Look Back in Languor

Because it's been a while since I've written anything truly substantive for this site due to the reasons explained above -- and because I actually feel bad about that -- here's a quick rundown of some of the better pieces from the past couple of years.

I go looking for Maxine Turner, and end up utterly heartbroken. (And All That Could Have Been/4.19.07)

I will never forgive NBC News for its shameful exploitation of the Virginia Tech massacre in the name of ratings, and neither should you. (The Tapes of Wrath/4.20.07)

I have a good idea for Hillary Clinton's next campaign commercial. (Is Barack Obama Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?/1.7.08)

As it turns out, I was one of the lucky ones. (Death Be Not Proud... But It Is Cost-Effective/12.30.07)

I let you in on a little secret about Mitt Romney. (The Sectarian Candidate/12.6.07)

I contemplate a young boy's uncertain future, while remembering a young girl's tragic past -- the first girl I ever loved. (The Part that Never Comes Home/1.21.07)

I pick on Hannah Montana and likely earn Zach Braff some hate mail. (Montana Uber Alles/11.20.07)

I have a tumor the size of a pinball removed from my brain. (Where Is My Mind?: Part 1/10.12.06) (Where Is My Mind?: Part 2/12.26.06)

I am one very pissed off Disney character. (Tigger with Attitude/1.8.07)

I defend a gay, drug-using preacher. (Sympathy for the Reverend/11.5.06)

I get a rather nasty e-mail from a group of gun enthusiasts in Virginia, and respond in kind. (Blow Back/6.21.07)

I give you a glimpse inside New York's hippest hotel -- and at the spoiled celebrities who make life a living hell for its staff. (Veruca Assault/10.26.06)

I am Oprah's secret plan to own Rachael Ray and Barack Obama. (There's No "I" in Oprah/10.25.06)

I examine the curious case of Michael Richards and wonder if it's possible to spout racist language without actually being a racist. (The Nth Degree/11.21.06)

I hang out with 15-year-olds at a My Chemical Romance concert, and ask if you've got a problem with that. (The Kids are Alright/4.2.07)

I go to rehab (yeah, yeah, yeah). (Welcome to the Monkey House/6.4.07)

I truly am sorry for all that Anna Nicole Smith crap on your television. (And Now, an Apology in the Form of an Open Letter to America/2.15.07)

I decipher the secret meaning of "The Knut Song." (Fight Cub/4.10.07)

I cover the verdict in the O.J. Simpson civil trial. (If You Want Blood, You've Got It/11.16.06)

I have a plan to bring down American Idol. (One Little Indian/4.5.07)

I meet a man who's going to be executed in 24 hours. (Things to Do in Texas When You're Dead/8.25.06)

I present an infuriating personal example of how religion is child abuse. (Jesus Loves Me, This I Know, for My Parents Tell Me So/10.8.06)

I sympathize with child molesters and play To Catch a Hack Journalist with NBC's Chris Hansen. (Idiot vs. Predator/3.1.07)

I come face-to-face with the woman I've fantasized about since she stepped out of a pool and unhooked her red bikini top on film back in 1981. (Girls, Girls, Girls: Part 1: Heaven's Cates/5.4.07)

I become an overnight sensation, thanks to a bunch of douchebags. (2006: Year of the Douchebag/1.5.07)

That Stupid Year: The Ten Most Ridiculous, Shameful, or Otherwise Unfortunate People and Events of 2008/1.5.09

The Top 28 Posts of 2008

28. Surrender, Integrity/4.22.08

27. Is Barack Obama Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?/1.7.08

26. Second Thug Life/5.6.08

25. Insolent Jest/10.30.08

24. Policing Themselves to Death/8.8.08

23. A Modest Proposal/5.16.08

22. Droll Models/7.11.08

21. All Fall Down/8.10.08

20. Let No One Put Asunder/12.21.08

19. Choose Wisely/9.4.08

18. Shade of Gray/12.9.08

17. Miles to Go/12.4.08

16. The World I Knew/5.25.08

15. You Name It/2.21.08

14. Why So Serious?/4.25.08

13. An Equal and Opposite Reaction/8.15.08

12. Not Another Oprah Column/2.28.08

11. Rich Lowry: The William F. Buckley of Fuck Talk/10.4.08

10. Wide Awake in America/11.5.08

9. An Open Letter to the American Media/12.22.08

8. Sweet Dreams/1.28.08

7. Kids Incorporated/4.24.08

6. Both Ends Against the Middle/9.11.08

5. Be Wary, Be Wary, the 10th of February (from the Huffington Post)/2.1.08

4. The Meta-Metamorphosis of Sarah Palin/10.24.08

3. The Outsider/6.9.08

2. The Speed of Lies/8.28.08

1. Say What You Will (Requiem for a TV News Career)/2.18.08