The Comment of the Week, posted anonymously in response to the story about Sanjay Gupta possibly being chosen as the next surgeon general. Whoever wrote it really needs to step forward and take responsibility this masterpiece:
"Unfortunately CNN's holograms have been medically proven to cause boredom, confusion, and extreme disbelief that the network could stoop that low. Attorney General Gupta will be forced to ban the technology for the good of the nation.
On the plus side, the bullshit that spills out of both sides of Jon Klein's mouth will be tested and shown to contain E. Coli, Listeria, and a previously unknown bacteria that causes penile shrinkage, extreme insecurity, and extreme delusions regarding the demographic appeal of Larry King. Gupta will have no choice but to quarantine his former boss along with Lou Dobbs and Nancy Grace, who will murder the two men, strip the flesh from their bones with her teeth, and dry it in the bathtub to produce the human jerky on which she subsists. When the police come to investigate the disappearances of America's favorite xenophobe Nancy Grace will berate them about the disappearance of "Little Caylee" until they shoot her 47 times. The cops will be cleared of all charges because, well, she's Nancy Grace.
Ironically with Nancy Grace gone there will be no media figures left to ceaselessly make vague demands of "justice" and "answers" regarding the disappearances of Klein and Dobbs who are, let's face it, neither very attractive nor young women, and thus inherently uninteresting. Mexico will hold a national holiday when Dobbs's remains are identified through dental records and a small piece of American flag he had surgically implanted into the left atrium of his heart, which Grace will not have consumed yet because she always leaves the hearts of her victims for special celebrations, such as when she goads someone into killing themselves.
Klein will be mourned only by Will.I.Am who liked being a "Hollygraham" because he got to meet a talking Wolf without getting close enough for it to bite him. Mr. I.Am. will be quoted as saying "Oh, I guess that's pretty sad." Upon hearing of Klein's fate. It will serve as his epitaph.
As for Gupta, well, he will successfully introduce the 27 part U.S. government report, including commercial breaks and cliffhanger endings (Such as "The current rate of teenage pregnancy in the Southwestern Region of the United States is....tune in next week for part 17 of 'Teen Pregnancy in America: Annual Report from the Surgeon General's Office Brought To You By MitsubishiFord")
The advertising will double his budget and he will radically reduce fatalities from major plagues like cancer and coronary disease through the use of accessible folksy health tip "suggestions" backed by the force of marital law."
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