Fool's Gold

20 Completely Random Comments My Wife and I Made to Each Other While Watching last night's Golden Globe Awards Show (and Red Carpet Special on E!)

1. "I guess Drew's gonna be singing 'Happy Birthday, Mr. President' at some point during the evening."

2. "But I don't wanna be a pirate!" (Upon first seeing Marissa Tomei)

3. "Maybe they just couldn't see him. He's pretty small." (Upon watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie totally snub Seacrest on the Red Carpet)

4. "You know, if you stuck a paper cone up Cameron Diaz's ass, you'd have cotton candy."

5. "Look, he really is riding her coattails." (Upon watching Billy Ray Cyrus accidentally step on his daughter Miley's dress)

6. "I guess Katie's at the shop being repaired." (Upon watching Tom Cruise show up with his mother)

7. "I'm pretty sure Downey's back on drugs."

8. "You mean it's better than watching you get stomped by Jennifer Hudson? Impossible." (Upon hearing Beyoncé claim that her performance in Cadillac Records is her best yet.)

9. "One is a spectacular breast, the other is a spectacular breast. Please welcome, Salma Hayek."

10. "YES! YES! YES!" (Upon hearing Heath Ledger's name announced as the winner in the Best Supporting Actor category)

11. "Where's Nicholson? I was so looking forward to him going up to the cast of Slumdog and saying something like, 'Gee, I'm really parched there, Veejay -- get me a Slurpee.'"

12. "Diddy engages in some sort of shameless self-promotion in 3... 2... 1..."

13. "Really, how does she keep getting invited to these things?" (Upon seeing Cameron Diaz for the second time)

14. "Oh, you pissed him off now. Torture time!" (After switching over to 24)

15. "Wait, they gave out an award for Best TV Nude Scene?" (After switching back from 24 and seeing Anna Paquin accepting a Golden Globe)

16. "At the end of this thing, somebody's going to hand Penelope Cruz a mop and ask her to clean the place."

17. "When you've done steroids, your balls come up in conversation quite a bit." (During Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech)

18. "What the hell is that? Wait, I thought it was Christina Applegate who had her breasts removed." (Upon first seeing Renee Zellweger)

19. "Now we're even outsourcing our entertainment to India. Lou Dobbs will not be pleased."

20. "Hey, wait a minute -- where's Travolta?"