Got to Give It Up

I'm sure by now you're all aware of the story of Natalie Dylan, the 22-year-old San Diego college student who's engaged in a valiant, Homerian quest to lose her virginity, make herself obscenely rich, and push Western civilization one step closer to the brink of complete collapse.

Dylan put her, ahem, "innocence" up on the auction block last fall, and the bidding -- which is being conducted through the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada -- has now reached 3.7 million dollars.

So, to recap: Someone out there is ostensibly willing to pay almost four million dollars to be the first (though, one would imagine, definitely not the last) guy to have sex with an average-looking girl nobody had ever heard of until she became the world's most famous prostitute.

Jesus, there are girls up the street from me going to PS 151 who'll probably let you have their virginity for a pack of cigarettes and a couple of Daddy Yankee CDs. Still, in the spirit of Dylan's entrepreneurial creativity during these tough economic times, I'd like to also offer a little something to those with plenty of expendable cash and almost nothing in the way of common sense.

That's why I'm putting my wife, Jayne, on the auction block.

I figure I don't really have much of value to throw out there, but Jayne says she's curious to see how much she'd get on the open market and, of course, it would all be in the name of feeding our family during this long, harsh winter. For the record, Jayne's charming, intelligent, industrious, and she's much better looking than Natalie Dylan. Bear in mind, you'd only be renting Jayne for a short amount of time. We're figuring a day or so, depending on the price she fetches.*

Now I realize that some might call me, well, a pimp. I take offense at that notion, however; I'm merely providing a service and engaging in what is apparently an entirely legal and ethical business transaction. If the Bunny Ranch can act as an intermediary for this sort of deal, I don't see why I can't.

So, we'll start the bidding at a grand.

Incidentally, a portion of the proceeds will go toward bribing the "winner" of the night with Natalie Dylan to stiff her when he's finished.

What's she gonna do -- take her virginity back?

*Offer does not apply to Eliot Spitzer