Charlie Sheen is a hero to an entire generation of guys.
He starred in Wall Street, Platoon, and Red Dawn. He was the best thing in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (which is saying something). He nailed Ginger Lynn, Denise Richards and all the highest-priced girls in Heidi Fleiss's stable -- probably at the same time. He's been in rehab three times and has been arrested five times for, among other things, cocaine possession, credit card fraud and soliciting prostitutes. He once paid six grand for a sex doll. And despite it all, he's currently raking in a fortune on an inexplicably popular TV show.
So, needless to say, this makes him completely qualified to lecture the president of the United States on the most devastating single event in this country's history.
On a day when right-wing apoplexy over the issue of national health care reform is reaching critical mass -- with the president himself finally addressing Congress and the nation -- I'll bet you never imagined that Charlie Freakin' Sheen would come out of nowhere to say the most insane goddamned thing all day.
But oh has he. He stepped up to the crazy plate and knocked that sucker out of the park.
This morning, Sheen published the fictional transcript of a 20-minute conversation he wants to have with Barack Obama. A conversation about 9/11. And the website Sheen posted this hypothetical rap-session on? Prison Planet -- the official site of conspiracist whack-job Alex Jones.
Get where this is going?
In case you don't, Sheen's self-scripted espionage drama -- of which he's the star -- reads something like this:
"(President Barack Obama) – No disrespect Mr. Sheen, but I have to ask; what is it that you seem to be implying with the initial direction of this discussion?
(Charlie Sheen) – I am not implying anything Mr. President. I am here to present the facts and see what you plan to do with them.
PBO - Let me guess; your ‘facts,’ allegedly supporting these claims are in the folders you brought with you?
CS – Good guess Mr. President.
(I hand the first folder of documents to the President)
CS – Again sir, these are not my opinions or assumptions, this is all a matter of public record, reported through mainstream media, painstakingly fact checked and verified.
(the President glances into the folder I handed him)
CS – You’ll notice sir on page one of the dossier dated August of ‘06 from the Washington Post, the statements of John Farmer, senior council to the 9/11 commission, his quote stating, 'I was shocked how different the truth was from the way it was described.'
PBO – (as he glances down at the report, almost inaudible) …. um hmm….
CS – He goes on to further state 'The [NORAD Air Defense] tapes told a radically different story from what had been told to us and the public for two years….'
...
PBO – Of course this information worries me, yet it’s not nearly as worrisome as you sitting here today suspiciously implying that 9/11 was somehow allowed to happen or even orchestrated from the inside.
CS – Mr. President I am not suspiciously implying anything. I am merely exposing the documents and asking the questions that nobody in power will even look at or acknowledge. And as I stated earlier, I voted for you, I believed in your message of hope and change. Mr. President I have come to you specifically hoping for a change. A change in the perception that our government has not yet made itself open and accountable to the people. These are your words Mr. President not mine. The lives of thousands were brutally cut short and those left behind to suffer their infinite pain are with me today Mr. President. They are with me in spirit and flesh, and the message we carry will not be silenced anymore by media fueled mantras insisting how they are supposed to feel. Deciding for them, for 8 long years, what can be thought, what can be said, what can be asked."
Charlie, my man, get that mantle ready, 'cause I hear Oscar calling.
This is of course only the build-up to the big climax -- in which a visibly irritated President Obama gives Sheen just five more minutes to make his case clear (an ironic statement if ever there was one) and our intrepid hero runs down, one by one, the usual litany of coincidences and unprovable charges that are the backbone of the entire dumb-ass Truther movement and have been since the beginning.
Obviously, it's comedy gold.
Particularly since I just can't imagine Barack Obama showing respectful deference to a guy whose reputation is as unsavory as Charlie Sheen's -- a guy who's known almost universally as a hedonistic, egomaniacal walking id who can't keep his dick in his pants.
Although I guess Obama's been pretty decent to Bill Clinton, hasn't he?
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