Nothin' But a G-A-Y Thang

You know how I feel about internet sensations. You know how I despise virally created superstars or even laughingstocks. And yet I just have to circulate this, even at the risk of being part of the crowd that will surely make this girl the most (only somewhat unfairly) loathed idiot in America by this time two days from now.

Sure, there'll be the inevitable backlash from hardcore Christians who'll call her a martyr and will hold her up as some kind of modern day Joan of Ark, come to save us from ourselves and ruthlessly struck down for it upon the altar of our culture's depravity. But fuck it, the whole thing will have been worth it just for the opportunity it afforded most of us to mercilessly mock someone who truly, deeply deserved it.

I give you, Rated T for Tolerance, a Christian, anti-gay "rap" from some teenage girl standing in the woods.

Good luck making it all the way through.

(via Christian Nightmares)

Tweet of the Day

Quote of the Day, Jr.

"I ain't no freaking chimp. No more Dr Pepper for my household. God Bless y'all."

-- Comment written in response to the above photo, which was posted on Dr. Pepper's Facebook page

We are sincerely the dumbest country on the planet.

How the hell do people like this even turn on a computer to make a fucking comment?

Quote(s) of the Day

Every single one comes from Bill Maher's flat-out brilliant piece currently running in the top blogger position on the front page of the Huffington Post:

"When I say religion is a mental illness, this is what I mean: it corrodes your mental faculties to the point where you can believe in tiny ninja warriors who hide in vaginas and lie in wait for bad people's sperm."

"Paul Ryan, who every shit-for-brains pundit in America keeps telling us is a 'serious' guy, still believes in the supply-side theory. All the Republicans do. They all believe in something that both science and history have shown to be pure fantasy. The symbol for their party shouldn't be an elephant -- it should be a unicorn... This is how low we've put the bar for political courage -- that you can just write, "I want a pony" in a binder and call it the "Plan For Restoring Vision For the Future of America's Greatness" or some shit, and then everyone has to refer to you as the serious one in Congress."

"How do they get away with it? They know that, because we're already such a religious country, our minds are primed for magical, fantasy thinking. The gullibility comes factory-installed...The grown-up answer is: identify problems scientifically, prioritize and solve. The Republican answer is: there isn't a problem. And anyone who tells you different is a liar who hates America. We don't have to make hard choices. We just have to ignore the science and the math -- that's why God gave us values."

"If rape babies throw a monkey wrench into the whole right-to-life pitch, just make believe rape babies don't exist. If you want to cut down on teen pregnancy, just tell curious kids with raging hormones to practice abstinence. Until they get married. Because everyone knows, that's when the fucking never stops. Health care? Not a problem if you just keep repeating, "We have the greatest health care in the world." Even though the U.N. ranks it 37th."

"Next week in Tampa the Republicans must admit that the difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality."

I've been talking about this kind of thing for a while -- the fact that a willingness to believe in ridiculous superstition when it comes to the creation of the universe and who its ongoing landlord supposedly is primes you to believe just about anything without proof, to just take it all on faith. This is why most religion is dangerous. It enables and rewards non-thinking on all sorts of issues.

Big Damn Heroes, Sir

You wouldn't think of J.C. Penney as being on the cutting edge of anything, but damn is the store proving itself to be the new standard-bearer of civil rights, forward-thinking politics and the best way to deal with the self-righteous assholes who stand opposed to both.

You might remember that recently, one of those "traditional" family organizations composed entirely of bitter, white Christian tight-asses -- this one in particular, "One Million Moms" -- went after Penney's for its use of Ellen Degeneres as a spokesperson and its decision to feature a lesbian couple in a Mother's Day ad. The group bitched and moaned, prattled on about how the company was promoting the homosexual agenda -- you know, the usual crap. So how did Penney's respond? Not by backing down and submitting to the will of these ignorant harpies, but instead by sticking with Degeneres and not pulling the ad from anywhere.

Well now J.C. Penney has upped the ante and what's more has done so simply by acknowledging that the dynamic of the American family is in fact changing -- and that there's not a thing wrong with that. The company's new Father's Day ad features, you guessed it, a real-life gay couple and their kids. It's sad to think that simply showing a happy, well-adjusted family with a couple of gay men as the father figures is a big subversive fuck-you to anyone, but on the other hand it's fun to think it's a big subversive fuck-you to One Million Moms and the rest of its ilk.

Behold the statement put out by OMM in response to the new Penney's ad:

"It’s obvious that JCP would rather take sides than remain neutral in the culture war. JCP will hear from the other side, so they need to hear from us as well. Our persistence will pay off! One day we will answer for our actions or lack of them. We must remain diligent and stand up for Biblical values and truth. Scripture says multiple times that homosexuality is wrong, and God will not tolerate this sinful nature."

Uh-huh. Suck it, ladies.

As for me, I'm gonna start wearing the Stafford khakis my own mom buys me every damn Christmas with pride. Thanks Penney's -- and thanks mom.

Quote of the Day

"A guy in magic gym shorts talking to virgin Baptists. Clown, meet college."

-- Bill Maher on Mitt Romney's recent address at Liberty University

Maher's "New Rules" evisceration of Liberty as a phony college is one for the ages.

Picture of the Day

At Bachmann campaign HQ

Quote of the Day

"I'm sure he thinks he's being very funny, but he's simply a disgrace. One day, Johnny Depp and his cronies will face the judgment of our Lord and they will burn in hell for this filth."

-- Lee Douglas of the Christian Coalition, who's not at all pleased with Johnny Depp's participation in a song called Jesus Stag Night Club that could, in Bill Nighy in Love, Actually fashion, wind up being the dark horse #1 single in the U.K. on Christmas Day

As you might expect, wrathful Christians are calling the song -- which casts Jesus as a drunken reveler -- "blasphemy." In a related item, there are people who still use the word "blasphemy" and concern themselves with the supposed eternal punishment for it in the year 2011. Gotta give credit to hardcore Christians: They have zero sense of humor and yet they're the funniest people on the planet.

Also, I realize this joke is old as, well, hell -- but if Johnny Depp's gonna be going south once the lights go out, wouldn't you rather be there hanging with him than be just about anywhere else?

Quote of the Day

"Christian God is the one and only true living God, the creator of Heaven and the Universe! ... I love Jesus! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is the son of God! ... Jesus Christ is god, Barack Obama is the Antichrist!"

-- Anonymous heckler at last night's House of Blues fundraiser event in Los Angeles as President Obama was speaking

I'm too busy right now to be able to come up with a decent punchline -- and luckily with this I don't have to.

In the words of the kid from Animal House: "Thank you, God!"

Sunday Sacrilege

I was pretty sure no one could outdo the "Mosque at Ground Zero" song.

I was wrong.

Behold, redneck novelty song savant Ray Stevens.

(via Christian Nightmares)

Running on Empty

There's always one thing you can count on when it comes to the far-right, particularly in the South: They wear their ignorance and stupidity like a badge of honor.

Just watch the first maybe ten seconds of this campaign commercial from disgraced former Alabama judge Roy "Ten Commandments" Moore, and try not face-plant into your keyboard -- although by now, this kind of hillbilly horseshit should come as no shock whatsoever.

Sunday Sacrilege

You've gotta figure that pranking a born again Christian would be like taking candy from a baby -- a baby with Down Syndrome -- since they've already made it clear they'll believe pretty much anything.

Just watch, and try to comprehend what it would be like to go through life convinced that something like this could actually happen at any time.

(via Christian Nightmares)

Quote of the Day

"Pets don't have souls, so they'll remain on Earth. I don't see how they can be taken with you. A lot of persons are concerned about their pets, but I don't know if they should necessarily trust atheists to take care of them."

-- Todd Strandberg of the website "Rapture Ready" reacting to word of a service that invites evangelicals to pay to have their pets looked after by an atheist post-rapture

That service? The one that exploits the comical gullibility of the people who believe this nonsense? Pure freaking genius.

Business Week: Caring for Pets Left Behind by the Rapture/2.11.10

(h/t Cesca and Osborne)

Bonus Quote of the Day

"The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says, 'If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.' The Bible is pretty black and white... I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that's a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life."

-- 23-year-old Miss Beverly Hills 2010 Lauren Ashley

And here we go again.

By the way, the quote was given to a regular column on Fox News's website called "Pop Tarts."

(Update: But enough of that kind of talk. Let's be juvenile and just make fun of the fact that she's really unattractive for a beauty pageant winner.)

Not-Very-Deep in the Heart of Texas

According to a University of Texas/Texas Tribune poll, nearly a third of all Texans believe that humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time, 38% believe that God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago, and a full 51% don't think that we evolved from earlier species of animals.

Don't have a joke, folks -- that is the joke.

The Texas Tribune: Meet the Flintstones/2.17.10

Chip Shot

Ladies and gentlemen, a preview of Tim Tebow and Focus on the Family's controversial Super Bowl ad.

Sunday Sacrilege

That'll do, Christian. That'll do.

It's Pat!

The funniest thing you'll read all day:

The Onion: God's Wrath According to Pat Robertson/1.20.10

Sunday Sacrilege 2: Lucifun

The following was a letter written to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune by Lily Coyle of Minneapolis in response to daffy bastard Pat Robertson's claim that Haiti had been plunged into misery because the Haitian people once made a pact with Satan:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan"

Satan, FTW.

(h/t Alert Reader Kevin)

Sunday Sacrilege

"Note: Just to let you it is not that we don’t believe in in things like that it is just misleading when you talk about it being billions of years old, when we all know that the world is only about 6,000 years old. So why would I pay so that you can misslead my children, your world is just a revolving, our's has a start and an end. God created the world He created animals and man all in the same week. It was also Adam who named all the animals, they will do the essay Rock and Minerals but it might not be 5 pages long, and about billions of years, it will be according to the Bible.”

Literally, fail. At everything: school, work, life -- you name it.