Pants on Fire

Today's column for the Daily Banter takes a look at an idea whose time hasn't come and never will.

Here's the opening shot:

"I realize that I’m fast becoming this site’s resident miserable bastard, devoid of all passion for political discourse and oozing nothing but contempt for the entire process, but can anybody really blame me at this point? If you want to know why I’ve all but given up on trying to effect real change through thoughtful analysis and dialog — why I think our country is politically broken beyond repair — you need look no further than this: Glenn Beck is now selling his own line of jeans. Glenn Beck. Jeans. I shit you not. If the official motto for these things isn’t 'Because It Takes an Ass To Know Jeans' I’m crawling into my bathtub and dragging in a hair dryer."

Read the Rest Here

Quote of the Day

"He’s a sage, skillful and respected leader (who's doing) all he can to take our country back. At the end of the day, he’s one of the few people in the country who can command respect from people of all walks of life."

-- Sarasota, Florida GOP Chairman Joe Gruters on Donald Trump, whom the Sarasota GOP is giving its "Statesman of the Year" award

I'm not even sure where to begin -- whether to insult the statement, Gruters, Florida, the modern Republican party or Donald Trump first.

You know, now that I think about it, I got nothin'.

This one's offered without comment.

History Retreating

That's it. It's finally happened. Mark your calendars. On August 11th, 2011, mankind officially reached that elusive point where reality and parody were completely interchangeable, rendering satire impossible. Somewhere in America -- in a lab, I'd imagine -- a group of political scientists are celebrating this historic achievement.

Offered without commentary, because, well, there's just nothing that can possibly be said:

Media Matters: Huckabee's "Reagan Revolution" Cartoon Features Disco Muggers and American Exceptionalism/8.11.11

Moonbats

The stupid. It burns.

Gawker: Does This Google Veterans Day Logo Look Muslim To You?/11.11.10

American Splendor 2: The Reckoning

So the picture of the stalled Carnival cruiseship, the Splendor, being towed into port is certainly a good one -- and there's nothing wrong with the cable networks milking it for all it's worth.

What's really annoying, though, is that you know that the second the passengers on-board the ship clear the gangplank and step onto dry land, they're gonna be descended on by reporters from every media outlet in the United States -- all of whom will breathlessly pelt these people with the kind of questions that make it seem as if they've just come out of a Chilean mine after 69 days.

As if, after a couple of days at sea with no power on a luxury-liner, it turned into Lord of the Flies-style savagery, with horny college kids beating pensioners to death with the arms of slot machines, then eating them for sustenance. Like the clean-up crews are gonna board the ship and find that the dark interior state room hallways look like what the Colonial Marines found at Hadley's Hope in Aliens.

If nothing else, it'll be entertaining.

American Splendor

So let me see if I've got this right: The entire city of New Orleans drowns and the government of the United States of America is completely stymied in its efforts to get help to it (and the people who are dying within it).

A cruise ship with a bunch of tourists on it gets stuck off the West Coast and -- and you have to say this slowly for the full effect -- THE U.S.S. RONALD REAGAN comes to the rescue and airlifts in supplies within 24 hours.

New Orleans: Fucked.

The Carnival Splendor: AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.

USA Today: USS Ronald Reagan Sails To Aid of Stranded Carnival Splendor/11.9.10

Sunday Sacrilege

I was pretty sure no one could outdo the "Mosque at Ground Zero" song.

I was wrong.

Behold, redneck novelty song savant Ray Stevens.

(via Christian Nightmares)

Magnum Farce

This is real. This woman really is running for Congress in Arizona's 3rd district.

There seriously isn't enough Clozapine in the fucking world to put even a dent in this kind of insanity.

(via Cesca)

Sign of the Apocalypse #4,080

Hip-hop genius Q-Tip is on Martha Stewart's show right now helping her make -- a Q-tip holder.

Seriously, somebody just shoot me.

The Satanic Reverses

This is pretty much the best thing ever.

Reading, Writing, Rampaging

A youth shotgun?

Jesus, if this isn't one of the signs of the fucking Apocalypse, I have no idea what is.

ABC News: 11 Year Old Boy Allegedly Used "Youth Shotgun" to Kill Pregnant Woman/2.24.09

The Mayor of Simpleton

Well folks, I've finally found it.

I've been looking for years, but here it is: the single fucking dumbest thing ever.

From the Huffington Post:

"Fort Mill, South Carolina Mayor Danny Funderburk said he forwarded a chain email suggesting Barack Obama is the antichrist because he was 'just curious' if it was true.

'I was just curious if there was any validity to it,' Funderburk said in a telephone interview. 'I was trying to get documentation if there was any scripture to back it up.'

I guess leaning over the backyard fence and asking Cletus and Myrna if they'd been told anything about this by Baby Jesus didn't provide the confirmation Mayor "Danny" was looking for.

Just remember, this idiot was probably a pair of tits away from being John McCain's running mate at one point.