The Talking Ted

The Daily Banter: Ted Cruz Has Already Won (and He's More of a Man Than You Anyway)/9.25.13

Tweet of the Day

Perfect. Just perfect. I've gotta give Stockman credit: He manages to push two GOP articles of faith in one simple sentence and create an image of a kind of conservative utopia, where abortion is impossible and even the unborn are armed.

Stockman, by the way, is a special kind of raging idiot, even among Texas conservatives, who as you know have raised raging idiocy to a transcendent art form. He's the one who took Ted Nugent as his date to the State of the Union address earlier this year; he's vowed on more than one occasion to try to impeach Barack Obama; and he recently invited any gun owner who feels "persecuted" by his state to move to Texas, an idea that I have to admit I'm all for. By all means let's concentrate them in the one place they're all already pretty much concentrated in, then maybe build the 50-foot-high electrical border fence they've all been clamoring for and cut the whole fucking place loose as its own post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Seriously, Texas is the stupidest goddamn place on Earth.

Adding: Oh, hey, look. No sooner had I posted the above than I came across this tweet from Barry Smitherman, whom Rick Perry appointed as the top Texas oil and gas regulator. Basically, Smitherman is all outraged over Republican lawmakers who either support sensible gun control or who apparently aren't fighting hard enough to defend unimpeded gun access -- so of course he circulates a picture that accuses them of being guilty of "TREASON" and hangs a noose next to their names. Not only are these people stupid and crazy, they're also really fucking dangerous.

Quote of the Day

"In Texas, it is fairly clear about where this state stands on that issue. As recently as a constitutional amendment that passed, I believe, with 76% of the vote. The people of the state of Texas, myself included, believe marriage is between one man and one woman."

-- Rick Perry on same-sex marriage

Uh-huh. Let's see what else the intellectual titans of Texas believe.

51% believe that that evolution is a myth, with 38% saying that man was created in his present form by God 10,000 years ago.

58% of likely voters in Texas supported a bill -- now law -- that requires a woman to undergo a sonogram before being granted access to an abortion.

Republicans control every single statewide elected office in Texas, with a 19-12 majority in the state senate, 95-55 majority in the state house along with both of the U.S. Senate seats and 36 of the U.S. House seats.

With that information as a guide to give you an idea how dominant conservative politics are in Texas:

67% of Texas Republicans want to see Barack Obama impeached.

48% of Texas Republicans would like to see the state to secede from the union.

Texans own approximately 51 million guns. More than two for every man, woman and child in the state.

What's say we not defer to the people of Texas on any question more significant than, "Where's the best place to buy a set of Truck Nutz?" eh?

Groan Stars

Oh, Texas. Don't ever change. But please, by all means, do leave.

I guess the one saving grace is that Jessica Williams managed to get out without being sold at auction.

Comment of the Week

In response to the "Open Letter to Texas" that I posted a couple of weeks back.

"Wow...

Jealous, much? I wonder why your family left you to come to DALLAS? You're a whining b*tch, who believes everything he sees on CNN or reads in ... the daily banter. You appear to be full of knowledge and support... because you surround yourself with like minded individuals, and you are in useless California! CA would LOVE to be like Texas, however... your state leadership and economy couldn't support your national independence.

With all your quoted figures and numbers, why did you leave your sources out? ... evidently you do not know how to write... and 'TEXAS' has low education scores? Also, another observation of information you conveniently ommitted? Perhaps you should mention that; Texas would be the 15th largest economy in the world?, or that Texas has operated within a balanced physical budget while the majority of the other states have failed to accomplish this? By the way, how's the CA bankruptcy talks going? You guys still need some money, huh? ...

Since you brought up the United States Armed Forces, the state of Texas supplies the MOST recruits to the armed forces, AND has accrued the most casualties as a result ...

STFU

~ Texas

www.texas.gov

-- Anonymous"

Let's give a big round of applause for Governor Rick Perry, everybody. A few seriously questionable punctuation choices and quite a bit of confusing grammar, but not one misspelled word.*

Really, it's the addition of the website address at the end that really takes this from mildly funny to flat-out transcendent.

(Actually, "ommitted" is misspelled and as somebody pointed out, he probably means "fiscal" budget rather than "physical" -- I read through this very early and my brain doesn't work before before maybe 9:30AM -- all of which makes this little comment the gift that keeps on giving and a glowing testament to the might of Texas's education system.)

You Can Go Your Own Way

Today's column for the Daily Banter is an open letter to Texas.

Here's how it begins:

"Dear Texas,

So word has it you’re talking about seceding from the United States and, I guess, forming your own country. I wish I could react with shock, but the truth is we’ve heard this kind of thing before; we hear rumbles of it every time something happens politically on a national scale that rattles your ironically fragile sense of independence and sends you into a Texas-sized panic. It usually amounts to nothing more than petulant whining disguised as a lot of cock-grabbing bravado and bluster, but this time you’ve managed to quickly amass enough signatures calling for secession in the wake of last week’s Obama victory — more than 80,000 — that the White House has no choice but to respond to your 'request.' Let me save you the suspense and the delusion that this little tantrum is going to be the least bit effective: the answer’s gonna be 'no.'"

Read the Rest Here

Quote of the Day

"(Obama) is going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN. Okay, what’s going to happen when that happens? I’m thinking worst case scenario here. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. We’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations. We’re talking Lexington-Concord take up arms and get rid of the guy. Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops — with the little blue beanies. I don’t want ‘em in Lubbock County. Okay. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’. “And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him, I said ‘you gonna back me’ he said, ‘yeah, I’ll back you.’"

-- Judge Tom Head of Lubbock, Texas on the coming UN takeover of the United States, facilitated, of course, by President Obama

I'm not sure what's more entertaining, the thoroughly batshit delusion that there are going to be UN troops and vehicles rolling up Main Street in Lubbock if Obama is reelected -- or the macho fantasy that tough-guy Tom Head and the tough-guy local sheriff would be able to stop them if they did, I tell you what.

As Cesca often says -- WOLVERINES!

As Jon Stewart says -- next stop, leash laws for unicorns.

And as I often say -- fucking Texas.

(via Cesca)

Quote of the Day

"My home state of Texas and Israel share the experience of ‘civilized men and women thrown into new and harsh conditions, beset by enemies.'"

-- Rick Perry on President Obama's support of Palestinian statehood in the Jerusalem Post

Perry's quote cribs a line from historian T.R. Fehrenbach, but since Perry's neither scrupulous nor particularly bright it goes without saying that the reference was taken completely out of context.

Max Blumenthal digs up the original quote, which deals with Texas's systematic extermination of the Comanche Indians:

"The Texan’s attitudes, his inherent chauvinism and the seeds of his belligerence, sprouted from his conscious effort to take and hold his land. It was the reaction of essentially civilized men and women thrown into new and harsh conditions, beset by enemies they despised. The closest 20th-century counterpart is the State of Israel, born in blood in another primordial land."

I'm kind of thinking that would make a great bumper sticker: "Chauvanism. Belligerence. Texas."

By the way, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't attacking the President of the United States in a foreign publication the equivalent of treason? Don't I remember hearing Republicans drumbeat that kind of thing to death from 2001 to 2008? Oh forget it. Why bother.

Quote of the Day

"We want to prevent it from ever happening in Texas."

-- Republican State Rep. Leo Berman of Texas, who's sponsoring a bill that would make it illegal for his state's courts to implement or consider Sharia law

Yeah, I know. I figured he was talking about a mean IQ above 78 too.

Quote of the Day

"I'm ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown -- in this case a $20 billion shakedown... I'm only speaking for myself. I'm not speaking for anyone else, but I apologize."

-- Republican Representative Joe Barton of Texas (of course) on the successful push to make BP set up a $20 billion escrow account to pay out claims in the wake of the oil catastrophe

Here's an idea: Since I'm willing to bet that Texan Joe is a vocal proponent of our government's use of "enhanced interrogation techniques," as well as an ass-kissing Renfield to the vampires of Big Oil, what say we strap him down and waterboard him with a nice big bucket of this crap:

Texts from Last Century

A Selection of Chapter Titles from Texas's Newly Revamped, Conservative-Friendly High School Textbooks:

From Adam to Earl: The Real Story of the "Evolution" of Man (from the geography-science book 6,000 Years of World History)

The War of Northern Aggression: How the Arrogance of Invading Liberal Elitists Ruined Free Room and Board for Millions of Negroes

FDR and the Rise of Socialism in America

Great Presidents of the United States: From Reagan to Reagan

Joseph McCarthy: American Hero or Misunderstood Genius?

Remember the Alamo (edited by guest contributor Lou Dobbs)

Wall Street of Dreams: From Ben Stein to Lloyd Blankfein, Them Jews Sure are Good with Money

Why We Rule (from the history book America, Fuck Yeah!)

Fossil Fools: Debunking the Jurassic Myth (or "How To Train Your Dinosaur")

Vietnam: The Forgotten Victory

9/11: God's Wrath Against Secular-Humanist America or Just a Bunch of Murderous Muslims?

Philistines, Palestinians and the Inevitable Rapture: Why the U.S. Must Support Israel

Stonewall: The Tragic Legacy of the Sodomite Uprising of 1969

2 + 2 = Jesus!

"Don't do it." (single page of the book Sex Education: Everything You Need To Know)

Barack Hussein Obama and the End of America

What's Next?: Sarah Palin and Beyond

Quote of the Day

"We are adding balance. History has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left."

-- Don McLeroy, leader of the ultra-conservative faction on the Texas Board of Education, which last Friday approved a social studies curriculum for the nation's textbooks that's significantly skewed toward right-wing Christian principles

Wonder if this idiot realizes he's essentially agreeing with Stephen Colbert that reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Right on cue, here's Maddow with the excellent takedown:

Not-Very-Deep in the Heart of Texas

According to a University of Texas/Texas Tribune poll, nearly a third of all Texans believe that humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time, 38% believe that God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago, and a full 51% don't think that we evolved from earlier species of animals.

Don't have a joke, folks -- that is the joke.

The Texas Tribune: Meet the Flintstones/2.17.10

Texas Rearrangers

Ironically proving the old maxim/warning about what happens when you give a monkey a brain:

"But we are a Christian nation founded on Christian principles. The way I evaluate history textbooks is first I see how they cover Christianity and Israel. Then I see how they treat Ronald Reagan—he needs to get credit for saving the world from communism and for the good economy over the last twenty years because he lowered taxes."

Those are the words of Don McLeroy, a ultra-right Christian living in East Texas -- which is a redundancy if ever there was one -- who subscribes to all the usual nonsense ultra-right Christians subscribe to: the world is 6,000 years old, therefore "evolution is hooey"; Jesus is the ONE TRUE GOD; immigrant infestation and secular progressives are destroying America; Joe McCarthy was a victim of the elitist liberal media; you get the picture. Why you should care about this particular rambling retard, however, is this:

"McLeroy is no ordinary citizen. The jovial creationist sits on the Texas State Board of Education, where he is one of the leaders of an activist bloc that holds enormous sway over the body’s decisions. As the state goes through the once-in-a-decade process of rewriting the standards for its textbooks, the faction is using its clout to infuse them with ultraconservative ideals...

Battles over textbooks are nothing new, especially in Texas, where bitter skirmishes regularly erupt over everything from sex education to phonics and new math. But never before has the board’s right wing wielded so much power over the writing of the state’s standards. And when it comes to textbooks, what happens in Texas rarely stays in Texas. The reasons for this are economic: Texas is the nation’s second-largest textbook market and one of the few biggies where the state picks what books schools can buy rather than leaving it up to the whims of local districts, which means publishers that get their books approved can count on millions of dollars in sales. As a result, the Lone Star State has outsized influence over the reading material used in classrooms nationwide, since publishers craft their standard textbooks based on the specs of the biggest buyers. As one senior industry executive told me, 'Publishers will do whatever it takes to get on the Texas list.'"

This isn't a matter of left versus right or one region of the country against another; it's just smart versus dumb.

Read on:

The Washington Monthly: Revisionaries/January-February, 2010