"Please God Someone Help Me Find The Remote The TV's Stuck On CNN And I Can't Change The Channel"

The authority, tone and, most of all, correctness of this entire segment just cannot be overstated.

Watch as Jon Stewart utterly destroys CNN and its "new direction" under fail-upward king Jeff Zucker.

Friendly Fire

Today's Daily Banter piece is kind of pegged off something from my old nemesis, Salon. (I'll chase them 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give them up.) What I've written points out the breathtaking arrogance and ingratitude of those on the left who complain that Jon Stewart isn't tough enough, and reminds them that Stewart is the best fucking friend they've got.

Here's the opening shot:

"I’m not sure where I’d be if I woke up one morning and discovered that Alternet and Salon were suddenly bastions of rational, practical thinking, free from ridiculously pie-in-the-sky moralizing and a lot of liberals shooting themselves in the collective foot. I think it would be like Matt Taibbi finding out that Tom Friedman had finally learned how to use metaphors properly and wasn’t incessantly fixated on drawing grand global theories based on a two-minute conversation he had with his driver. What would I have to give me a laugh with my morning coffee if there weren’t David Sirota and columns like the one on Jon Stewart currently getting the Alternet-Salon double-barreling?

In the piece, titled '7 Examples of Cowardice on The Daily Show,' blogger Scott Hill calls out what he sees as a pattern of spinelessness on the part of Jon Stewart, even going so far as to ask why the host 'wimps out' so often."

Read the Rest Here

Groan Stars

Oh, Texas. Don't ever change. But please, by all means, do leave.

I guess the one saving grace is that Jessica Williams managed to get out without being sold at auction.

Point Blank

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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This is perfect.

FTW

I know it's something that can generally be said over and over again, but this could easily be one of the best bits Jon Stewart and the Daily Show writers have ever put together. Stewart's dazzling takedown of Fox News's RNC-recommended talking points for dealing with the improving national outlook -- an unfortunate state of affairs for a network that wants desperately to see President Obama sent packing in November and will stop at nothing to facilitate that end -- is a sight to behold.

Seriously, nobody exposes the comical hypocrisy and general shenanigans of the right more incisively than Stewart. He does it so well that I think he's been instrumental in helping to drive the national conversation and actually turn a lot of independents against the current Republican mindset.



(If for God-knows-what reason the Hulu video doesn't show up for you, you can watch the clip here.)

The Master Debater

I really do feel bad outsourcing commentary right now, but I can't stress enough how, well, stressed I am during the day as a deadline on a project I'm working on is fast approaching.

With that in mind, here's Jon Stewart last night rightly losing his mind over not just Newt Gingrich's almost sociopathic hypocrisy and utter lack of shame but the testicularly challenged John King's unwillingness to call him out on it.

The Daily Show
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Quote of the Day

"CNN, why don't you just stick to what you do best? And as soon as we figure that out, we'll let you know what it is."

-- Jon Stewart, mocking CNN's new morning show and one segment in particular in which the hosts cold call someone at 5:30AM to wake him or her up

I want to like CNN. I really do. I especially want to be happy for Ashleigh Banfield, being that I worked closely with her, like her, and think she deserves an anchor slot. But as with everything involving that network, my good will takes a swan dive off the top of the Time Warner Center as soon as I subject myself to about ten minutes of the actual programming. It really is like the executives sit around a conference table and get high before dreaming up this nonsense -- that's the only explanation I can come up with for most of it.

Yellow Journalism

I may not be a fan of Pam Bondi's politics, but God bless her sense of humor. Yesterday, The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi ambushed wildly unpopular Florida governor and Close Encounters mothership supreme emissary Rick Scott, asking him at a press conference if he'd be willing to pee into a cup right then and there to prove he's not on drugs.

Bondi, maybe sensing that she'd be The Daily Show's next target since she's Scott's partner in crime -- not in the literal sense, although he really does have plenty of those -- planned ahead, just in case. Sure enough, when Mandvi popped the same question on her today, she was ready.

"Pulling out a plastic cup, Bondi responded: 'Well, that’s very interesting that you should say that. Because as attorney general, I’m always prepared,' she said, according to the Miami Herald.

'You have a sample of your urine!' Mandvi replied. 'Is this really your urine?'

“Thank you, have a great day,” Bondi replied, as she walked away. “My name is on the top.”

But Mandvi had a suspicion. Surely Bondi wouldn’t just be toting around a jar of her own urine, would she? The Herald reports:

As his camera crew returned, he looked at the cup. 'It says Pam Bondi. I don’t know if it’s really urine though.' He smelled it. 'It’s apple juice.' He tasted it. 'It’s apple juice.'

His cameraman noted, 'She’s a pretty woman.' Mandvi agreed. 'She just has incredibly beautiful smelling urine.'"

So, yeah, good for her.

By the way, Pam Bondi actually is pretty damn hot. I'd totally drink her pee. But that probably says more about me than it does about her.

Assistant To the Quote of the Day, Jr.

"You've benefitted from hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars over the years, so would you be willing to pee into this cup to prove to Florida taxpayers that you're not on drugs?"

-- The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, ambushing staggeringly unpopular Florida governor Rick Scott during a press conference today

This is truly a thing of beauty. What's most noteworthy about it is that if Mandvi hadn't shown up, no one would know a thing that Scott said today because that's how little anyone cares about him anymore. He's basically a lame duck walking.

Sorry about all the quotes, by the way. I'm busy right now.

Quote of the Day

"I’m no lawyer, but it seems to me when you’re accused of one of the most heinous crimes imaginable, you may not want to literally phone in your defense on national television."

-- Jon Stewart on Jerry Sandusky's bizarre decision to allow Bob Costas to interview him on the phone

The clip is below, and it only gets better from there.

Meanwhile today, there's this and this.

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Assistant Quote of the Day

"I get that it's probably hard to believe that this guy you think is infallible and this program you think is sacred could hide such heinous activities, but there is some precedent for that -- and just like with the Catholic Church, no one's trying to take away your religion, in this case football, they're just trying to bring some accountability to a pope and some of his cardinals who fucked up. So don't worry, on Saturday you'll still get to go to services against Nebraska; no one's gonna take that away. 'Cause obviously you're young and that would be a traumatic experience -- and we wouldn't want that memory to scar you for life."

-- Jon Stewart on the Penn State scandal and the firing of Joe Paterno

Absolutely perfect.

I went into this quite a bit on the podcast last night, but in a couple of sentences Stewart sums up exactly what's wrong with the Penn State student and alumni outcry over the "unfairness" of Joe Pa being shitcanned. It comes down to this, so pay attention, kids: Football: unimportant. Children being raped: very important. Please get your priorities straight.

Sandusky sodomized children. Paterno knew about it, it happened on his watch, and he didn't do enough to stop it and to follow up with the investigation into what were unbelievably horrific events taking place right in the middle of Happy Valley (and please spare me the song and dance about how he's being scapegoated, because he isn't). Sandusky gets arrested and Paterno gets off relatively easy by only losing his job and not being hauled in by police and put through the wringer.

As for the indignation from the Penn State faithful, let me ask a question that I already know the answer to: If you weren't personally invested in the people and institution currently under fire, if you didn't deify them -- if it was, say, Les Miles or Bo Pelini or Lou Holtz years ago at the center of this same scandal -- would you still be so willing to suspend disbelief and automatically grant an immutable benefit of the doubt? Or would you be like the rest of us not blinded by our emotional attachments -- would you be willing and able to see this travesty for what it is and be demanding accountability and justice for the victims and their families?

Of course you would. Please think about that.

You're on the wrong side of this fight -- but you wouldn't be if it were anybody but Paterno. And that makes your argument crap.

Say Anything

It almost seems a waste to point out hypocrisy on the right these days. It's like complaining that water is wet or that the Kardashians are money-grubbing whores (that includes national hero-turned national embarrassment Bruce Jenner, by the way).

Still, even shooting at clay pigeons can be entertaining -- and last night Jon Stewart fired away and needless to say was dead-on with his aim. See the clip at the bottom.

And then there's this: Oliver Willis pointing out the general hypocrisy of conservatives losing their collective shit over the ongoing advancement of the Cain scandal:

"It is sort of hilarious to watch the same people who quite literally caused a constitutional crisis over half-baked allegations against Bill Clinton now insist that not only is Herman Cain innocent of the charges against him, but in fact that the very concept of sexual harassment is suspect. Even better, they get to play the race card they’ve bitched and moaned so much about in the most disingenuous way ever."

Like I said, clay pigeons. But it's still fun to watch them explode into dust when you hit them.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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Winning the Race

Jon Stewart and the Best F#%!ing Roundtable dissect Ann Coulter's comment that conservative blacks are better than liberal blacks -- and take the debate to its logical conclusion.

For the record, when Coulter uses the term "our blacks," she means it literally -- as in the ones she and Sean Hannity actually bought at an auction and now own.

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Quote of the Day

"What he's telling the GOP field is this: If you tell people what we honestly believe, an electoral majority of those people will freak the fuck out. He's saying that the first rule of Right Club is, you don't talk about Right Club."

-- Jon Stewart, deciphering the meaning behind Pat Robertson's warning that the Republican presidential candidates need to tone down their extremist rhetoric

Never Forget To Not Remember

FTMFW

Jon Stewart positively nails the point that Cesca and I have been discussing on the podcast for a couple of weeks now: swaggering, shit-kicking pretend tough-guy action figure Rick Perry is almost certain to win the Republican nomination -- precisely because he's a swaggering, shit-kicking pretend tough-guy action figure.

Plus Stewart manages a nice parting shot at the clownish buffoonery of Al Sharpton, just as a little bonus.

By the way, if you're interested, a second clip from last night's Daily Show is posted over at HuffPo -- this one has Stewart subtly mocking NBC/Telemundo's Jose Diaz-Balart. Or as I like to call him, the Least Interesting Man in the World.

Warfare Is Hell

Every once in a while, The Daily Show illustrates something so flawlessly that the point it's making actually infuriates me. Watch every second of this, and then please tell me why twin guillotines haven't been erected directly outside the Fox News studios and at the corner of Wall and Broad.

The Huffington Post: Jon Stewart Takes on Fox News and "Class Warfare" Claims/8.19.11

Assistant Quote of the Day

"Quick, to the batshitmobile!"

-- Jon Stewart, reacting to Rep. Allen West's quick and assured response that he was "ready to drive the car" after watching a clip from The Town aimed at pumping up House Republicans during the debt debate

Savior Indignation

"No one believing in Jesus commits mass murder."

-- Bill O'Reilly on Norway shooting and Christian extremist Anders Behring Breivik

If you're curious, it's called the "No True Scotsman" argumentative fallacy. It's also, even as a straightforward claim, tremendous bullshit, as a good portion of history has demonstrated.

As for the so-shameless-it's-comical hypocrisy in how an avowed Christian mass murderer is treated by these people versus how any self-described Muslim killer is -- it's really not even worth going into.

Adding: By the way, the montage of Fox News talking heads Stewart runs through -- culminating in Hannity's final, hilarious bit of punctuation -- is why The Daily Show could easily make the claim that it's got some of the most ferocious journalists in the country on its staff.

Quote of the Day

"Jon's goal every night is to inform and illuminate, and to be funny while doing so. Whatever Jon's political leanings, he is an equal-opportunity comedian and satirist. Whether you're black, brown, green or purple, whether you're Hispanic, White, African-American, Arab or Chinese, whether you're liberal, conservative, libertarian or just plain apolitical, Jon just goes where the funny is (and sometimes it's the jugular). Nobody gets a pass. And that's exactly the way it should be."

-- Rick Sanchez on Jon Stewart

Sanchez goes on to say that he was wrong to call Stewart a bigot last year, an unfortunate career move since it provided incoming CNN management with the perfect excuse to fire him. For the record, he's defending Stewart and The Daily Show against accusations of racism and an overt liberal bias by quixotic conspiracy theorist and senile old man Bernie Goldberg -- and that wins Sanchez plenty of bonus points in my book.