iDull

I've gotten more than a few e-mails over the past couple of months wondering why I haven't expressed any interest in this year's American Idol competition -- particularly since I've admitted to getting wrapped up in the show in years past.

The honest answer: I never cared one bit about this season's crop of future pre-packaged stars. Still don't, in fact.

Last year was when American Idol sort of came to a head for me because last season's "final showdown" was more than just a couple of guys vying to win a singing competition -- it was a battle between good and evil, light and dark, serious talent and a frumpy kid who made pre-teen girls wet between their legs for the first time. When David Cook faced off against David Archuleta, I felt like he took the hopes and dreams of everyone above the age of 14 with him -- the millions of us who'd been forced to surrender the entertainment universe to the 'tween hive mind and had seen real artists drowned out and driven underground by the likes of Miley Cyrus.

David Archuleta had to go down -- if for no other reason than as an object lesson to an entire generation of overly entitled 'tweens that, in the words of a band from that lengthy period before they were born: No, kid -- you can't always get what you want.

This year, though?

What has Idol, that pop cultural juggernaut, really given to us?

Yeah, I know. Don't even start about how this year's stable of young talent was the most impressive since Satan first evacuated Simon, the drunk to his right, and the black guy from Journey onto the stage and into our lives. The reality is that this season, from what I've seen of it, has been really, really tedious.

Sure, it was kind of a shock that Danny Gokey -- who looks like Patton Oswalt after a Maury show makeover -- got the hook last night. But he was always kind of interchangeable with at least three of his fellow runners-up -- his only real distinguishing characteristic being the sob story about losing his wife just a few weeks before he decided to become a singing sensation on national television. (I guess trying out for American Idol is the appropriately tawdry Baptist version of sitting shivah.)

So who does Gokey's departure leave us with?

Adam the Flaming Banshee and, well, Kris Allen -- whose name is as boring as he is.

For the record, Adam, while certainly talented, makes me wish I'd been born deaf. The kid's got chops, but it's tough to get past the fact that Idol is supposed to be a pop music competition and you can just see the little hearts bursting over his head at the idea of opening on Broadway as the Emcee in Cabaret. Kris, meawhile is, well -- Kris. (Did I mention, boring?)

The fact is, though, that whatever my opinions are of either of these guys, it won't matter at all -- even less than my opinions of last year's finalists, since I actually bothered to vote for Cook. It won't matter because, once again, the final vote will likely have little to do with actual ability -- particularly since both kids are decent vocalists, so they'll likely cancel each other out in that department. No, it will come down to what it always seems to these days: who's cutest. Just like last year, and the year before that, the one who gets ahead will be the guy who best stokes the budding loins of the 'tween and teen fangirl demographic. Cook managed to pull an end-run around this seeming inevitability last year because his own looks and charm roused a lot of older women -- generally in places like Tampa, Florida -- from their pre-pre-menopausal slumber long enough to pick up the phone and beat back the Disney-addicted hordes. (It didn't hurt that Cook did, in fact, have a lot of talent behind the smouldering eyes and hair wax.)

So with that in mind, who wins next week?

Sure, the judges are practically lining up to run an oral train on Adam Lambert. But make no mistake: Lambert likely doesn't have a lock on the audience that he needs if he wants to win.

And that means that dreamy, boring Kris will probably pull off the upset.

(A few disclaimers: A) Do yourself a favor and don't bet based on my picks; I was sure that twerp Archuleta was gonna win last year, B ) If Lambert does win, it'll cement the ascendancy of gay culture in the United States better than Iowa approving same-sex marriage, C) I actually really liked Allison and was sorry to see her go, and D) Please, try not to go the obvious route in the comment section and say that Adam Lambert will pull off a "come from behind" victory. This site has standards, you know?)