God Bless the U.S.Gay

I'm sorry but there are certain subjects that matter too much to me and I therefore just can't abide.

Gay people can have their same-sex marriage.

They can have equal rights.

They can hold public office.

They can live in the city and neighborhood I call home, be my friends and acquaintances, and be afforded the same privileges as any of their fellow Americans.

But when a gay man decides that he can and should make country music, that's where I have to draw the line.

There's are some things I simply will not tolerate.

And country music is one of them.

Dear God, Steve Grand -- what the hell are you thinking?

Buzzfeed: Meet Steve Grand, the First Openly Gay Male Country Star/7.3.13

Country? Come on. You're better than that.

28 Gays Later

I Love You, Matt Bomer

Today's column for the Daily Banter is basically an open letter to White Collar's Matt Bomer. Whom I'm in love with.

Here's the opening shot:

"So I caught the season premiere of USA’s 'White Collar' last night. I don’t think I’ve ever watched the show, although I admit to having been inundated with commercials for its new episodes for weeks leading up to it; they punctuated each marathon of Law & Order: SVU that I willingly submitted myself to with enervating regularity and to the point where I now have the song from the ad, Ghostland Observatory’s Sad Sad City, on repeat on my iPod because I can’t feel normal without it ringing in my ears. Anyway, after sitting through it for an hour last night, I have something important to say to White Collar‘s star.

Damn you, Matt Bomer. Damn you."

Read the Rest Here

Picture of the Day

Take a close look. That would be a portrait of Rick Santorum made entirely out of gay porn.

Click to engorge.

Picture of the Day

For those who thought Bloomberg had run out of things to tax. By the way, this is why Mario Cantone always wound up paying just a little more than the women on Sex and the City.

I Quit You Not

More than a few people have noticed this -- and by this I mean Rick Perry's choice of outerwear.

Don't Cross the Schemes

You knew it was bound to happen eventually: two silly-as-hell Fox News conspiracies would collide, creating the ultimate conundrum for the network and its stable of fear-mongering dingbats. If you listen closely, you can practically hear Steve Doocy's tiny pea-brain imploding over this one.

The Huffington Post: Michigan Elementary School Under Fire for Removing the Word "Gay" from "Deck the Halls"/12.6.11

Good Lord, who to side with? It's part of the War on Christmas! No, wait, it's a moral stand against the indoctrination of our youth in the ways of the homosexual lifestyle!

ARRGGH! NOMAD IMPERFECT! MUST -- STERILIZE!

Sunday Sacrilege

From Christwire -- which, yes, is satire, although it's sometimes hard to tell -- here's 51 more Christian ways to say anal sex.

(via Christian Nightmares)

Assistant Quote of the Day

"Niggas is gay. There's millions of gay people in the world. Girls too... I'm a fan of 'Yo, I'm gay. The fuck.' Like, 2011 you gotta hide that you're gay? Like, you know what I'm saying, like, be real, like 'Yo I'm gay, what the fuck.' If you gay you gay. Like that's your preference, you know? Fuck it if the people don't like it."

-- Fat Joe, taking a stand for gay people while simultaneously denouncing the English language

Yeah. What he said. I think.

Gay Perry*

I'll make this quick.

Chances are by now you've seen the latest video clip in the ongoing contest between the GOP presidential candidates to see which one can out-crazy all the rest. Just when you thought Herman Cain had pretty much locked up the game with last week's audaciously hallucinatory Cigarette Smoking Man ad, along comes Rick Perry to slam the table with a satisfied, "Domino, motherfucker!" His 25-minute speech at a Cornerstone event in New Hampshire this past Friday -- the YouTubed proof of which has now gone viral -- is so indescribably surreal that it's difficult to imagine not only how it can be topped but the level to which it immediately takes the entire Republican race for the White House. To keep in mind as you watch it that this guy is the governor of Texas, the former frontrunner and a Time magazine cover boy and someone who is still by some considered a possible nominee is to admit that conservative politics have truly achieved a kind of blissful lunatic Nirvana and will likely never come back to the serious realm of planet Earth again.

But while the obvious reaction to the video clip -- the first place most people's minds have gone, judging by the various things being written and said about it -- is disbelief, followed quickly by the conclusion that Perry has to be drunk or high or otherwise intoxicated, my thoughts immediately went somewhere else.

I'll probably catch a certain amount of crap for this for a couple of different reasons, but I was maybe about ten minutes into the clip before I think I actually said out loud to my computer screen, "Wow, I guess those rumors were true -- this guy is flaming."

Now, no, despite the word of a couple of prominent political consultants I'm close to who really do maintain that Perry's sexuality is one of the worst-kept secrets in politics and the aforementioned rumors dating back years -- many involving an alleged affair Perry had with his former secretary of state in Texas, a man named Geoff Connor -- I tend to dismiss all accusations that can't be easily backed up with facts. I have no idea whether Rick Perry is gay and while almost anything is within the realm of possibility, I'm not a fan of perpetuating conspiracist ramblings, so I'm not in any way claiming that I have it on infallible authority that Perry is lying his ass off about his sexual orientation. What I'm saying is that while the New Hampshire clip is disconcertingly weird for a whole host of reasons that kind of gnaw at the inside of your skull, one of the most pronounced is how Perry's gun-toting, shit-kicking tough guy suddenly seems to have been replaced by somebody apparently in possession of a whole arsenal of affected effeminate mannerisms. I mean, Jack Twist didn't even act that queenie -- he certainly never cuddled with a bottle of maple syrup -- and he really was supposed to be a gay cowboy.

The irony, of course, is that it's hard to get too worked up about the mere mention of, oh, I don't know, let's call it "gayerism" -- like birtherism, only more colorful and with better music -- because Perry himself had no trouble once again dredging up the question of President Obama's birth certificate recently, another topic which has almost always been the realm of the conspiracy minded. It's also worth noting, as a disclaimer, that I'm not claiming that every gay man is swishing and flamboyant, only that Perry struck me as being exactly that the other day -- and it flies in the face of the image he usually presents to his constituency and the country. He looked, to me at least, like a guy who'd just come out of the closet and was talking and acting like the "real him" for the first time in his life (and for the record, I actually thought he came off as unusually likable during the New Hampshire speech).

But look, again, I don't have a lick of proof on this -- though I'm definitely curious to know if I'm the only one who watched the Perry video and thought, as Bryan Safi would say, "That's gay."

*Again I'm not saying Rick Perry is actually gay. It's a movie reference -- one of several in this post, now that I think about it.

Quote of the Day

"The awesome part is that the two life partners probably went back to the kitchen and yelled at someone because having some cartoony jackass dry hump a ham and bark out unrelated catch phrases for 15 minutes weirded them out."

-- Brendon at What Would Tyler Durden Do? on a story which claims that Food-Douche Guy Fieri lost it on his producers when they didn't warn him that he'd be interviewing two apparently gay restaurant owners, since gay people "weird him out"

If all of us are lucky, this will be the one and only time the tag "Guy Fieri" appears on this site.

But seriously, take one look at this Sammy-Hagar-meets-frat-boy jagoff. Did you really think he was gonna be anything other than scared to death of the gay?

Update: It's worth mentioning that a battle between Fieri, the notoriously volatile creator of his show and the suits at Food Network may have been what led to this allegation. Regardless, Brendon's line is pretty damn funny and describes Fieri perfectly.

Assistant Quote of the Day

"For the same reason that Zach decided to come out, I too, no longer wanted to hide this part of my life. There have been too many tragic endings and too many cases of bullying because of intolerance... as a journalist, I don’t want to be the story, but as a gay man I don’t want to stand silent if I can offer some inspiration or encouragement to kids that might be struggling with who they are."

-- ABC News Anchor Dan Kloeffler on the fact that he essentially admitted to being gay on national television after the network ran a story on Zachary Quinto's recent coming out

Man, it's gotta be a nightmare being an aging intolerant conservative right now. I mean, it was bad enough when there was just a multi-cultural black guy in the White House -- but these days average people are storming Wall Street and protesting banks across the country and around the world, a Mormon who used to be the governor of Massachusetts is the best the GOP can do for a presidential candidate, and now network news anchors are coming out of the closet live on the air.

I wonder what the breaking point will be -- that one world-rocking development that'll finally lead thousands of panic-stricken tea baggers to either lock themselves in their basement bunkers or go the full lemming.

I just keeping thinking of Tobey Maguire at the end of Pleasantville haranguing J.T. Walsh about how everything's changing and there's nothing he can do to stop it -- all in an effort to make him lose his mind.

You know, now that I think about it, Glenn Beck kind of looks like Walsh's character in that movie -- they have the same pudgy face and stupid haircut. And just like "Big Bob," Beck is constantly trying to reassure his terrified, white middle-class constituency that everything's going to be okay.

"What do we do, Bob?"

"Well, we're safe for now -- thank goodness we're in a bowling alley."

Picture of the Day

Sure it's juvenile, but what do you expect from me?

Feel free to caption -- so many come to mind.

Assistant To the Quote of the Day

"So the gay community said, 'He's comparing gay sex to incest and polygamy, how dare he do this,' and they have gone out on a, I would argue, jihad against Rick Santorum since then."

-- Rick Santorum, speaking in South Carolina last week

Let's see: He's melodramatic, bitchy, convinced that a bunch of men want to bring him down, and he refers to himself in the third-person. I don't know -- methinks the queer doth protest too much.

Still, I can't wait to see what a gay jihad looks like. Can you build a bomb out of amyl nitrate?

Picture(s) of the Day

The first photo should've been the cover of Newsweek, since it constitutes genuine news. The second one -- well, let's just say that's some serious acting there.

Quote of the Day/Headline of the Week/Sunday Sacrilege

"Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated."

-- Spanish priest Andrés García Torres who, after being photographed shirtless with his arm around an equally shirtless young man, is now fending off accusations that he's gay

Freethinker UK: Accused of Being Gay, Spanish Priest Challenges Church to Measure His Anus/7.12.11

(via Christian Nightmares)

Don't Bend Over for the Pope

I was gonna make this an upcoming Sunday Sacrilege, but it's too good to hold -- plus I get this impression that this is just another day at the Vatican.

(via The Superficial)