Don't Cross the Schemes

You knew it was bound to happen eventually: two silly-as-hell Fox News conspiracies would collide, creating the ultimate conundrum for the network and its stable of fear-mongering dingbats. If you listen closely, you can practically hear Steve Doocy's tiny pea-brain imploding over this one.

The Huffington Post: Michigan Elementary School Under Fire for Removing the Word "Gay" from "Deck the Halls"/12.6.11

Good Lord, who to side with? It's part of the War on Christmas! No, wait, it's a moral stand against the indoctrination of our youth in the ways of the homosexual lifestyle!

ARRGGH! NOMAD IMPERFECT! MUST -- STERILIZE!

Pressure Cook

Nick Denton may be a notoriously mercurial pain in the ass, but that doesn't mean Gawker isn't generally a really good read. And the people he hires -- and occasionally fires because the pillow goblins told him to -- are a major reason for that.

This morning, Fox News's #1 comedy show, Fox & Friends -- specifically the show's most shameless hack, Doocy the Clown -- went on a somewhat inexplicable tear against Gawker, basically casting it as irrelevant and declaring the website officially way past its prime. While Fox and Gawker have never exactly been on the same page politically or culturally, the attack seemed especially odd simply because there hasn't been anything in particular lately that might prompt Fox to lash out in Gawker's direction like the schoolyard bully that it is.

Well, Gawker's John Cook -- who has admittedly made it his mission to be an ongoing thorn in the side of Fox and Roger Ailes -- says he knows exactly why Fox is choosing now to strike. Why it needs to plant the seed among its audience that Gawker's is a voice not to be trusted. According to Cook -- the move was preemptive.

Gawker: Why Fox Is Attacking Gawker/8.26.11

"Here, Let Me Demonstrate"

God bless Cesca for this screen-grab of Fox's Steve Douchey, seemingly about to do what he does best.

Go ahead, kids -- caption away.