"Served Drunk and On Fire"

And here we have what could very well be my favorite item of the week, compliments of Guy Fieri's unfortunate decision not to secure the domain name for his "Guy's American Kitchen and Bar" restaurant.

When you go to what by all accounts should be the web address for the legendarily maligned Times Square megalopolis of shitty food, this is what you get (click to engorge):

Fists of Fieri

Gosh, I just can't believe it. He just doesn't seem the type to do something like this -- not Guy Fieri.

Us Magazine: Guy Fieri "Threw a Fit" After Being Rejected From VIP Super Bowl Party/2.5.13

The source of the story says that Fieri was turned away because, "He didn't have the right bracelet, and nobody in New Orleans knows who anyone is." This actually makes perfect sense when you consider that Guy Fieri looks pretty much like every other obnoxious fucking douchebag who trolls the French Quarter, Super Bowl weekend or not.

Update: Maxim magazine, who was throwing the party, says that the above story is bullshit -- that Fieri didn't get kicked out at all since he's Maxim's "good pal." You know, somehow this looks worse for Guy Fieri than not being allowed in in the first place.

Food for No Thought

Today's column for the Daily Banter takes aim at Guy Fieri. And the Food Network.

Here's the opening shot:

"Anyone who’s listened to Bob Cesca and I rail like bitter old guys against the various tyrannies of the world on our podcast knows that there’s one subject besides politics that we bring up over and over again. Something that elicits from us both anger and outrage and which we can’t stop moaning about no matter how hard we try: the Food Network. Granted, it would be easy to take the advice of many wise men and women who came before us and simply change the channel rather than allowing the steady stream of foodie-fellating nonsense unleashed by this one particular network to wash over us, but what fun would that be? I can’t speak entirely for Bob, but I know that there is such a thing as hate-watching — and I know I often do it to the Food Network."

Read the Rest Here

Assistant Quote of the Day

"Does the phrase 'Minute to Win It' refer to the process of procuring Donkey Sauce from an aroused donkey?"

-- "Ruth Bourdain," the infamous anonymous blogger whose name is supposedly a combination of Ruth Reichl and Anthony Bourdain, piling on Guy Fieri and asking a question she believes was left out of the scathing New York Times review of his Times Square restaurant

Everyone knows I'd enjoy seeing Fieri die in a grease fire, so I haven't even bothered bringing up the whole rigmarole surrounding the Times review (which is brilliant, by the way). But "Ruth Bourdain's" list of questions is easily the best comment I've seen yet on the review, Fieri's butt-hurt response to it, and the media and food critic feeding frenzy that's resulted.

Tweet of the Day

Quote of the Day

"The awesome part is that the two life partners probably went back to the kitchen and yelled at someone because having some cartoony jackass dry hump a ham and bark out unrelated catch phrases for 15 minutes weirded them out."

-- Brendon at What Would Tyler Durden Do? on a story which claims that Food-Douche Guy Fieri lost it on his producers when they didn't warn him that he'd be interviewing two apparently gay restaurant owners, since gay people "weird him out"

If all of us are lucky, this will be the one and only time the tag "Guy Fieri" appears on this site.

But seriously, take one look at this Sammy-Hagar-meets-frat-boy jagoff. Did you really think he was gonna be anything other than scared to death of the gay?

Update: It's worth mentioning that a battle between Fieri, the notoriously volatile creator of his show and the suits at Food Network may have been what led to this allegation. Regardless, Brendon's line is pretty damn funny and describes Fieri perfectly.