Quote of the Week

Yeah, it's from four days ago, but there's no way I can let this kind of hilarity pass by without popping it up here. Plus I so enjoyed the ridiculous outrage the last time I brought up the subject of Jesus's favorite lousy quarterback.

Needless to say, angry conservatives are now calling for a boycott of HBO. That should be effective considering how many hardcore Christians are big fans of True Blood and Hung yet will now be forced to cancel their subscriptions.

Adding: Big props to Andy Levy of Fox News's Red Eye, who's consistently one of the cleverest and genuinely smartest things on that otherwise barren wasteland of a network. This was his response to the Maher tweet "controversy" on Hannity last night: "He's a comedian. People need to stop being outraged by what comedians say. Part of their job is to say things that are outrageous... He's not a politician, he's not running for office. He's got a show on HBO, and he's a comedian. Who cares?"

Quote of the Week

"You see, Oprah, there is still so much more that God needs for me to express to the world. It’s not just a coincidence that I look like Jesus. I am the modern day Jesus Christ that you all have been waiting for... So I ask you, Oprah, better yet, I’m begging you, Oprah, please cast me onto your show, Oprah. It is so crucial that the world hears God’s word for the fate of humanity, for the fate of mankind, for the fate of me seeing my son grow older, please, Oprah, I’m begging you."

-- Alleged White House shooter Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, who's now charged with trying to assassinate President Obama, in a rambling and thoroughly hilarious 20-minute video aimed at getting him a guest spot on Oprah

Boy, is Oprah gonna be pissed that Jesus here didn't call her "dad."

Quote of the Week (Early Contender)

"'But your dad's a science teacher,' (McCain Campaign Manager Steve) Schmidt objected. 'Yes.' 'Then you know that science proves evolution,' added Schmidt. 'Parts of evolution,' I said. 'But I believe that God created us and also that He can create an evolutionary process that allows species to change and adapt.' Schmidt winced and raised his eyebrows. In the dim light, his sunglasses shifted atop his head. I had just dared to mention the C-word: creationism. But I felt I was on solid factual ground."

-- From Going Rogue, Sarah Palin's memoir, which hits book stores tomorrow

Anybody wanna make the first "C-word" joke?

Quote of the Week

"Everybody should be, frankly, happy (with the continuing, monumental successes of Goldman Sachs). The financial system led us into the crisis and it will lead us out. I've got news for you... If the financial system goes down, our business is going down and, trust me, yours and everyone else's is going down, too."

-- "Darth" Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs, in an interview with the London Times

He went on to say that he's "doing God's Work."

I wish I were making this up.

Quote of the Week(end)

"Can you not read how mad people are at you? When most people saw the headline 'Goldman Sachs Gets Swine Flu Vaccine' they were super happy until they read the word 'vaccine.'"

-- Amy Poehler on last night's Saturday Night Live, commenting on the news that Wall Street banks have already secured thousands of doses of the H1N1 vaccine while many at-risk Americans are forced to wait; Goldman Sachs alone has received 200 doses of the Swine Flu vaccine -- as much as New York City's Lenox Hill Hospital

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"(Glenn Beck) can't put in enough hours during his week to keep up with what all of us are doing. I don't think it's his anymore. We still look up to him, but I don't think it's his anymore -- I think it's ours."

-- Jacob Roecker, founder of 912Candidates.org, which pushes far-right fringe Republican candidates over more moderate choices and which cribs its name from Glenn Beck's "9/12 Project"

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the modern GOP -- taking its marching orders from a guy who goes on TV every night and pretends to be a fucking mental patient.

Clearly, these people should be taken seriously.

Quote of the Week (Early Contender)

"The figure Ayn Rand most resembles in American life is L. Ron Hubbard, another crazed, pitiable charlatan who used trashy potboilers to whip up a cult. Unfortunately, Rand's cult isn't confined to Tom Cruise and a rash of Hollywood dimwits. No, its ideas and its impulses have, by drilling into the basest human instincts, captured one of America's major political parties."

-- Johann Hari, in a Slate piece called "How Ayn Rand Became an American Icon"

Quote of the Week

"You know what's worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you."

-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"2.5 million Americans watch Fox News, which means that 297.5 million Americans don't."

-- Commenter "Underoath" at the Huffington Post, responding to the story about Shepard Smith apologizing on-air for what he called Fox News's lack of balance in covering the New Jersey governor's race

I post this comment because it brings up a point I've always wanted to mention here: Fox News's perceived power within the news media -- it's supposed absolute domination of both the medium and the message -- is really nothing more than a product of the media loving to talk about themselves. Yes, Fox has a firm grip on the cable audience -- particularly one relentlessly loyal facet of the audience, which clings to its every word and indulges its every whim -- and that makes for much hand-wringing among its competitors and detractors. But let's be honest: In the great scheme of things, how many people really watch cable news regularly? Sure, O'Reilly or Beck can pull in a couple of million viewers -- on a really good day -- but even now, with its authority waning, network news still nets up to 25-million viewers a night (with even the lowest-rated show pulling around 6-million people). And keep in mind that we're talking about national numbers -- as in a couple of million Fox viewers out of around 300-million people in the entire United States.

To put things in perspective, during the heyday of network dominance, a local news 11pm show in New York City could occasionally come close to that kind of number.

Yes, Fox News is powerful among the select demographic that watches it. Big picture, though? It's nowhere near the inescapable cultural force that it and the media echo chamber it inhabits would have you believe.

Quote of the Week (Early Contender)

"The American Bankers Association has helped loosen the rules that protect us, allowing the unfettered greed that has brought us to the brink of a recession. And for those bankers who are members and support the ABA's war against the working and middle class, shame on you!"

-- One of hundreds of protesters who stormed the American Bankers Association meeting in Chicago

Remember how I've said on more than one occasion that in a different time and place the pissed off masses would be dragging these arrogant bastards kicking and screaming to the public square and joyously guillotining them?

Looks like the peasants have had just about enough.

The Huffington Post: "Showdown in Chicago" as Protesters Crash Bankers Convention/10.25.09

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"If you can't practice you'll make a fool out of yourself out here."

-- Tom DeLay upon quitting Dancing with the Stars due to stress fractures in both feet

Because Tom DeLay has to worry about being a fool -- anywhere.

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"Democrats couldn't get laid in a house whose sole purpose is to have consequence and disease-free sex with legislators on finance committees."

-- Jon Stewart, on the embarrasingly impotent Democrats' inability to get the public option past even the Senate Finance Committee

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot. They don't want to tick people off."

-- Unnamed source speaking to the New York Post about why Sarah Palin is bombing on the lecture circuit

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"We like our guns in the United States."

-- Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada, defiantly rationalizing why the mortality rate in this country, which would normally be attributed to a bad health care system, can't be trusted because factoring in every American's right to die by gunshot wound skews the survey

(Insane) Quote of the Week

"Obama's first act as president of any consequence, in the middle of a financial meltdown, was to send taxpayers' money overseas to pay for the killing of unborn children in other countries. Now, I got to tell you, if a president will do that, there's almost nothing that you should be surprised at after that. We shouldn't be shocked that he does all these other insane things. A president that has lost his way that badly, that has no ability to see the image of God in these little fellow human beings, if he can't do that right, then he has no place in any station of government and we need to realize that he is an enemy of humanity."

-- Republican Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona at Saturday's "How To Take Back America" conference (a helpful hint: saying unconscionable horseshit like this isn't the way)

Quote of the Week

"Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project... It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail."

-- Harper Publisher Jonathan Burnham, on Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life, which will be released next month

Uh-huh. Sarah Palin -- Sarah Palin -- finished writing a 400-page book just four months after the deal was announced. This is the same Sarah Palin who can barely string together two complete sentences without choking on her own tongue. The same Sarah Palin whose discipline took her to five colleges in six years. The same Sarah Palin who once tried to have certain books banned from the Wasilla library. The same Sarah Palin who obviously thinks literacy is reserved for those elitist know-it-alls on the coasts, and not Joe Six Pack. She wrote a 400-page book in four months.

Stephen King can barely write a 400-page book in four months and that man's a machine.

I love that they really just expect you to buy this crap -- not just the book itself but the notion that you're not being utterly lied to when they (and she) look you right in the eye and tell you something you know 100% can't possibly be true.

Kids, the only way you'll know for sure that Sarah Palin was involved "hands-on at every stage" of this book is if it comes with a box of crayons.

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"Mariska liaised with American Airline ticket agents on behalf of the entire plane to get a real answer on when the flight was going to leave."

-- Unnamed passenger who happened to be on a delayed flight from L.A. to New York with Mariska Hargitay, simultaneously praising her and proving why so much of America hates people from L.A. and New York

For those of you not from either of these places, allow me to translate for you: "Liaise" means to fucking talk.

(This isn't to say that "liaise" isn't a real word -- only that you're a pretentious tool if you use it in everyday conversation.)

Quote of the Week (Early Contender)

"In capitalism as envisioned by its leading lights, including Adam Smith and Alfred Marshall, you need a moral foundation in order for free markets to work. And when a company fails, it fails. It doesn't get bailed out using trillions of dollars of taxpayer money. What we have right now is Corporatism. It's welfare for the rich. It's the government picking winners and losers. It's Wall Street having their taxpayer-funded cake and eating it too. It's socialized losses and privatized gains."

-- Arianna Huffington in a piece that looks at Michael Moore's new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story

Quote of the Week (Honorable Mention)

"Yes, it was fun this week to watch the teabaggers complain how the media underestimated the size of their march, "How can you say there were only 60,000 of us? We filled the entire mall!" Yes, because you're fat. One whale fills the tank at Sea World, that doesn't make it a crowd."

-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Week

"I've seen you do some pretty shitty things but you just keep amazing me with your tactless asshole ways. It's absolutely fascinating how much I don't like you."

-- Kelly Clarkson in an open letter to Kanye West on her blog

This is just one of the reasons I love Kelly Clarkson to death. Love, love, love her.