"I've seen you do some pretty shitty things but you just keep amazing me with your tactless asshole ways. It's absolutely fascinating how much I don't like you."
-- Kelly Clarkson in an open letter to Kanye West on her blog
This is just one of the reasons I love Kelly Clarkson to death. Love, love, love her.
I almost wasn't going to post anything about this, seeing as how any publicity from any direction will only perpetuate the inexplicable "nanoriety" of that idiot Perez Hilton. But man, if I don't point and laugh hysterically at this, I'll seriously be neglecting my obligation to make fun of those who truly deserve it.
By now I'm sure you've all heard that Perez -- née Mario Lavandeira, self-proclaimed "Queen of Something-or-other" and sycophantic fame sponge -- got his ass kicked by a manager for the Black Eyed Peas at this weekend's Much Music Awards in Toronto after calling Will.i.am a "faggot." You may even know that rather than dialing, say, 911, he called for help via Twitter (insert head-shake here) and has since posted a tearful, hissy-fittish response to the attack on YouTube, one that rivals human trainwreck Chris Crocker's infamous "Leave Britney Alone" video for sheer self-serving hilarity.
So I won't bother rehashing any of that in great detail.
I'll simply relay a personal story.
Several years ago I worked alongside a guy who moonlighted as a gay model; to this day, he's one of the coolest people I've ever met. One day, the two of us were sitting at work when a local reporter appeared on television, on a competing station -- a guy who my friend knew from the club scene and called a whiny, melodramatic, embarrassing gay cliché. My friend looked at him in disgust, then turned to me and said, "I swear, I just want to beat the shit out of him. And it wouldn't be fag bashing -- it'd be idiot bashing."
Thus, in the spirit of that sentiment, I'll only say this: It's a shame the Peas' manager wasn't carrying a baseball bat.
Now I'll turn it over to Kelly Clarkson, who I love more than ever after this interview in which she basically laughs her ass off at Perez's ordeal.
It should be obvious by now that I never outgrew my adolescent passion for music; quite the opposite, the importance of having that perfect soundtrack to everyday existence has increased exponentially with age. It goes without saying then that I've always had a weakness for female musicians. There's nothing hotter, cooler or sexier than a woman behind a mic, a guitar, a piano etc. (For the record, my wife sings -- and sings very well -- which melts me every time.)
The thoroughly self-indulgent list of the women I love continues with the ones who literally rock my world.
Shirley Manson
She gorgeous, she's an exhibitionist, she's Scottish, she fronts Garbage -- a band that still stands as one of my favorites, and she's just raw sex. Did I mention that she's also an exhibitionist?
Garbage -- Why Do You Love Me?
Alicia Keyes
My God does this woman have soul. If her monumental talent doesn't sway you, check out how stunning she looks in Smokin' Aces.
Alicia Keyes -- If I Ain't Got You
Alison Goldfrapp
The hypnotic thumping heartbeat of her music is the sound of seduction. If you can't get laid to a Goldfrapp song, give it up.
Goldfrapp -- Twist
Poe
The thinking man's musical goddess, she took a lifetime of pain and trauma and turned it into one of the most underrated albums of the last decade -- Haunted. Strength, vulnerability and a little insanity all wrapped up in one mesmerizing package.
Poe -- Amazed (still-frame)
Sheryl Crow
Yup, got a serious thing for her. She's just damn hot.
Sheryl Crow -- If It Makes You Happy
Zia McCabe
I've had a crush on the keyboard player for the Dandy Warhols for as long as I can remember. Anyone who usually plays topless earns an immediate place in my heart.
The Dandy Warhols -- Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth
Neko Case
Sometimes it's all about that indescribable feeling you get when a woman plays a song that you know came right from her heart -- and sings it in a way that makes you believe it's coming from somewhere slightly south of that.
Neko Case -- Maybe Sparrow
Kelly Clarkson
Yes, I like Kelly Clarkson. Go fuck yourself.
Brandi Carlile
I don't care how hard VH1 promotes it or how many idiots first heard it on Grey's Anatomy, her current hit The Story could very well be the best single of the past five years -- by anyone, in any genre. When her voice cracks during the final chorus -- sounding every bit as if it's going to give out completely -- you feel every heartbreak she's ever had, every mistake she's ever made, the weight of a lifetime of tragedy and the power of her desperate cry for help. She's pure and simple passion, and I stand in awe of her.
Brandi Carlile -- The Story
Siouxsie Sioux
No one who grew up in the 80s and had semi-decent taste in music wasn't in love with Siouxsie. My undying devotion was cemented the night she wrapped a feather boa around my neck, pulled my face to within inches of hers and sang Slowdive -- a song about giving head -- to me at a concert in Miami. It took two weeks to get rid of my erection.
Siouxsie and the Banshees -- Christine
Liz Phair
There aren't words to describe how much I love this woman. Liz, if you ever read this -- please for God's sake have sex with me. My wife says it's okay. I swear, if I ever get leukemia or something, that's gonna be my request to the Make-a-Wish foundation.
Liz Phair -- Extraordinary
P!nk
The real fucking deal. More punk than most punks. I want her to fuck me, then kill me and drink my blood.
