Royal-Ts

Today's quickie column for the Daily Banter tackles the very important subject of Kate Middleton's breasts.

Here's the opening shot:

"A quick word or two about the topless pictures of Kate Middleton now circulating online and the royal family’s response to them. So what? First of all, the idea that a French magazine — a French magazine — would get all 'mon dieu!' and pretend that it’s a big deal that somebody is half-naked out in the open is practically a comedy bit. We’re the ones who are puritanical idiots; one of the now wealthiest and most famous women in the world sunning herself topless while on vacation in Provence shouldn’t surprise anyone, least of all the Europeans. "

Read the Rest Here

He Used Every Urination Pun I Could Possibly Think of For This Title

This is all kinds of entertaining.

Quote of the Day (And Favorite Thing of the Week)

"He who warned, uh, the, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringin’ those bells and, um, makin’ sure as he’s ridin’ his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that, uh, we were gonna be secure and we were gonna be free and we were gonna be armed."

-- Sarah Palin describing Paul Revere's ride

Contrary to what one commenter said last week, the groan-inducing return of Sarah Palin to the national media spotlight doesn't mean I'm going to have a lot more material to work with around here. As far as I'm concerned, Sarah Palin is the exact same thing this week that she was last week or last month: a D-list reality show nobody whose 15 minutes of fame mercifully ran out right about the time Gabby Giffords took a bullet to the head and who's only making news because the drooling boobs in the mainstream press inexplicably call her current publicity stunt "news."

But every once in a while it's good to let Palin remind us why she shouldn't be allowed out of bed without a protective helmet on much less be allowed to even flirt with the notion of trying to become President of the United States. Hence the above quote -- and this fucking moron's lack of even an elementary school-level knowledge of American history and inability to so much as fake her way through a serviceable answer to a simple question without choking on her own tongue or resorting to stale talking points.

The Favorite Thing of the Week that I referenced in the headline, though? It's this -- Brooke Baldwin's reaction to Palin's Revere revisionism:



I could watch Brooke read Tolstoy for two-hours a day, she's so stunningly gorgeous. But this -- the look on her face that says what she can't: "idiot" -- has earned her a place in my heart next to Häagen-Dazs white chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream.

One more thing: If you liked Palin's doofus version of what Paul Revere's ride was all about, you're gonna positively swoon over this whopper from two days ago. I give you Sarah Palin -- on the true meaning of the Statue of Liberty:

"Lady Liberty is the symbol of unity and friendship we have with other freedom-loving nations. It’s also a 'warning' of sorts, as France encouraged us to keep democracy alive as the recipient of this gift -- basically telling us not to blow it. Thank you for this reminder, France!"

If that sounds familiar (or just gives you a throbbing ache in a very specific part of your brain, one that you recognize) it's because last year Palin said this about Lady Liberty:

"This Statue of Liberty was gifted to us by foreign leaders, really as a warning to us, it was a warning to us to stay unique and to stay exceptional from other countries. Certainly not to go down the path of other countries that adopted socialist policies."

Right. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses -- an inscription written on a statue in what's essentially a national park. Nope, no "socialist" agenda there.

Stupid, stupid woman.

No Cannes Do

Jesus, the French.

Rape a 13-year-old and they welcome you with open arms -- go on a bizarre rant about sympathizing with Hitler and you're suddenly "persona non grata."

Salon: Cannes Bans Lars Von Trier/5.19.11

Like you couldn't have seen something this screwy coming from the guy who made Antichrist and all five-and-a-half hours of The Kingdom.

Quote of the Day

"What I know is that nothing, no suspicion whatever (for let’s remind ourselves that, as I write these lines, we are dealing only with suspicions!), permits the entire world to revel in the spectacle, this morning, of this handcuffed figure, his features blurred by 30 hours of detention and questioning, but still proud... And what I know even more is that the Strauss-Kahn I know, who has been my friend for 20 years and who will remain my friend, bears no resemblance to this monster, this caveman, this insatiable and malevolent beast now being described nearly everywhere. Charming, seductive, yes, certainly; a friend to women and, first of all, to his own woman, naturally, but this brutal and violent individual, this wild animal, this primate, obviously no, it’s absurd... I am troubled by a system of justice modestly termed 'accusatory,' meaning that anyone can come along and accuse another fellow of any crime."

-- Bernard-Henri Lévy

I went looking for it, and lo and behold there it was like a gift from the Google gods.

You could've counted the seconds between the arrest of IMF Chief Dominique Strauss Kahn on rape charges and the inevitable outraged defense of him penned by impossibly pompous turd Bernard-Henri Lévy.

I can seriously imagine Lévy stalking around his palatial Parisian home -- his white dress shirt unbuttoned down to his cock, a stern look on his face, his hands alternating between flailing wildly and running through his fashionably unkempt mane -- ranting to no one, "Sacre bleu! Zees ees an injustees!"

If you haven't just eaten lunch, go ahead and take a look at this thing. It's classic Lévy in that it reads like a primer on how to be a French cliché -- all self-satisfied faux-intellectualism, cultural condescension and macho Eurotrash bravado.

Quote of the Day

"For his current exhibition is an exhibition of still lifes. It is an ensemble -- drawings, photos, but especially sculptures -- of gigantic squashes, of moulded bronze colocynths that one would describe as drawn from the 'antivegital vegetation' (in other words, reinvented, revived, produced and, in short, thought of vegetation) that Malraux depicts in his description of Picasso's atelier... And if there is a conviction that has never left him, in the thirty years that I have observed and commented on his work, it is that art exists, not to repeat the world, but to recreate it--the soul of the gods, decidedly, inhabits, not the plants, but the artist."

-- Bernard-Henri Lévy, taking the cliché of the pretentious French pseudo-intellectual to heretofore unreached heights in the Huffington Post

Really, just for a laugh, I dare you to read this thing and not imagine that it's a Monty Python gag.

Pompous little twat.

The Frogs of War

So apparently France has raised its terror alert level in the wake of a warning from the Saudi intelligence service that al Qaeda may be seeking to target the country.

The threat level has been raised to "Reinforced Red."

That's the second-highest level possible.

The highest?

"Scarlette."

Fuckin' French.