Die Laughing

Today's column for the Daily Banter takes a look at the pretty shocking suicide of a nurse and receptionist in London who was unwittingly involved in a prank by two Australian DJs.

Here's a quick excerpt:

"It almost goes without saying that the two DJs, Christian and Grieg, are now the targets of global outrage — because of course it was their fault that what was intended to be a harmless joke happened to inadvertently fall into the hands of someone who I have no doubt was a really terrific person but who had to be at least mildly unbalanced. Jesus, the nurse who took the call and who inexplicably didn’t catch on to the fact that the ridiculously exaggerated caricatures she was speaking to for five minutes weren’t, in fact, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles — this woman is still alive. The person who connected the call, however, kills herself. I’d ask if that makes sense at all but it would be a laughable conceit since none of this makes any sense."

Read the Rest Here

Boob Tube

Just a heads-up that I'll be making a guest appearance on HuffPost Live today.

The subject: Kate Middleton's breasts.

Because of course I'm the world's foremost authority on topless princesses.

Anyway, feel free to click on over if you'd like. The segment should hit at around 6:45PM Eastern.

Royal-Ts

Today's quickie column for the Daily Banter tackles the very important subject of Kate Middleton's breasts.

Here's the opening shot:

"A quick word or two about the topless pictures of Kate Middleton now circulating online and the royal family’s response to them. So what? First of all, the idea that a French magazine — a French magazine — would get all 'mon dieu!' and pretend that it’s a big deal that somebody is half-naked out in the open is practically a comedy bit. We’re the ones who are puritanical idiots; one of the now wealthiest and most famous women in the world sunning herself topless while on vacation in Provence shouldn’t surprise anyone, least of all the Europeans. "

Read the Rest Here

The King and Ire

I'll make this really quick.

I obviously don't have much to say about today's silly spectacle across the pond; aside from the fact that Kate Middleton is just disturbingly hot (see left), it's not something that affects my life or would keep me sufficiently entertained one way or the other.

But there have been a couple of humorous royal-related comments that Votar and I tossed around this morning.

First of all, William and Kate are now going to be known as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. What's interesting about this is that the titles apparently have no real meaning; they're just something Queen Elizabeth gets to pull out of thin air at her discretion.

Which got us thinking how great it would be if the Queen finally succumbed to senility or just decided to fuck with everybody and dubbed these two, "Lord Baron Von Jizzington Shitsack and Her Supreme Bad-Ass, Princess White Cleopatra Jones," or maybe just "Lord Humongous and Lady Die."

And that of course reminded us of this:



Also, remember when it looked like William was gonna be the "cool" prince and Harry would turn out to be the weenie. Man were those preconceptions backward. William is, to use the appropriate lingo, barely above a poof while Harry behaves like a kid who knows he's a fucking prince but who also knows he'll never be king. He's gone to raves, banged girls two at a time, he dressed like Hitler for Christ's sake (if that doesn't scream, "Go ahead, get pissed, I dare you," nothing does), and when he decided, "You know what? I want to kill people," he joined the Royal Military. What has he got to lose?

If he did just go off one night and shoot a hooker in the face or something, just because he could, what would happen? Does the Royal Family have somebody on speed dial who's the equivalent of the Wolf from Pulp Fiction?

"Okay, you've got a commoner, minus a head in the boot of an Aston Martin -- take me to it."

As you can tell, we're showing the monarchy the respect it deserves.