Thinking Outside the Inbox

The latest in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

Hi Chez–

I’m sure you’ve heard the exciting news that Hillary Duff is engaged!! As images will probably begin to surface shortly, we’d love to offer you celeb jewelry and CEO of MyJewelryBox.com, David Mamane, to appraise the ring for you.

Please contact me if you are interested in having him appraise the ring for you, give tips, price quotes, etc.

Have a great weekend!

Best, Lindsay

And now, my response:

Dear Lindsay,

While I appreciate the kind offer -- and you're so right, it is exciting news -- I actually won't be requiring the services of your jewelry expert seeing as how I bought the ring and therefore know exactly how much it cost. Yes, that's right, I'm engaged to Hilary Duff, which means that henceforth she should be referred to in the press as "The Future Ex-Mrs. Pazienza #5" (as opposed to say, Hillary with two Ls, the way lazy PR flacks who can't even be bothered to Google the correct spelling of her name might write). I know it's getting so you need a slide rule to keep track of all my wives, but I hope you can at least respect my tenacity. For the record, Hilary is Lucky #5 -- the one I just know is Miss Right -- because last weekend I got hitched to a Thai hooker in Vegas, but unfortunately young Pakpao was killed in a tragic, entirely accidental fall from the top of the Stratosphere tower three hours after the ceremony. So, hey, gotta get back on the horse, right? Anyhoo, feel free to send a gift our way; Hils and I are registered at Macy's, Target, Hot Topic, Wet Seal and the Hustler Superstore on Sunset. Also, would you happen to know the name of a good divorce attorney who's willing to be kept on permanent retainer?

Cookies,

Chez : )