365 Days of Night

Where do I even begin?

To learn that megalomaniacal hack M. Night Shyamalan was allowed anywhere near a camera again after the abyssmal creative and financial trainwreck that was Lady in the Water just boggles the mind.

To learn that the plot of his next bloated cinematic punchline revolves around (and no, I'm not making this up) the Earth taking physical revenge on humanity for all the wrongs we've done to it just makes you wonder what the hell they're pumping through the air conditioner at The Ivy these days.

In The Happening (and no, I'm not making that up either) Mark Wahlberg plays a man forced to take his family on the run after the Earth revolts, with trees, plants and so-on all becoming sentient and attacking people by feeding off of their negative energy (and no, I'm not -- oh fuck it). Supposedly, Wahlberg's character figures out what's going on due to the fact that he's -- wait for it -- a high school biology teacher.

That's pretty impressive; my high school biology teacher doubled as the school's track coach and as such couldn't find his own asshole with a full-length mirror and a funnel.

The most obvious question is, who the hell green-lit this nonsense?

After leaving his personal di Medici family at Disney in a huff because he wasn't feeling the love, you'll remember Shyamalan took his ridiculous script for Lady in the Water to Warner Brothers, where it was promptly made and where it just as promptly tanked.

This time around it'll be Fox inexplicably pouring money down a hole. I'm trying to look at the whole thing as a potential win-win situation, since not only is this Shyamalan Schlock sure to go down in flames faster than you can say "I see dumb people" -- but in the process, maybe it can be the first financial domino to fall in Rupert Murdoch's empire, eventually leading to the destruction of the entire Newscorp Death Star and the career immolation of both Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. (Hey, a man can dream.)

The promotional barrage for The Happening has already begun. The movie's teaser poster attempts to remind you that Shyamalan was at one time culturally relevant; it references his two successes with the ominous warnings, "We've Sensed It," and "We've Seen the Signs." It's worth noting that it doesn't go on to say, "We've Laughed at the Lady," "We've Fled the Village," and "Our Spirits have been Unbreakable -- Despite being Asked to Swallow So Much Worthless Shyamalan Crap."

But before this movie sees its official release on Friday, the 13th of June 2008, Night -- as the friends he still has left call him -- may have one last hurdle to overcome: Himself.

Shyamalan has already dragged the production back to his usual fiefdom in Philadelphia, which is not a good sign for those expecting something different this time around, and he's notorious for being, to put it euphemistically, "difficult."

He argues against this assessment, oblivious to the irony involved in doing so.

"That is a misconception, and people who work with me know that I'm collaborative," Shyamalan says. "If you can give me a good idea that can help me to make a better movie, then there is no ego issue in taking that advice."

Bullshit.

Shyamalan is an arrogant prick with nowhere near the talent to back up such a staggering level of hubris.

Don't believe me?

Read on.

(Deus Ex Malcontent: Welcome to My M. Nightmare/7.18.06)