Showing posts with label the superficial. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the superficial. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Quote of the Day


"By this point the baby wasn’t breathing and the queen’s royal physician didn’t know what to do without their socialist government telling him how to do his job. His tears became heavier as he looked out the window and regretted his country ever messing with America’s forefathers, the pain of that ass-whooping passed from generation to generation.

From a chair in the corner, George Zimmerman calmly stood up and unholstered his piece.

'Princess Kate Middleton,' he said. 'I’m going to need you to trust me. But know that it will be a cold day in hell before George Zimmerman lets a baby die on his watch.'

From there, George Zimmerman placed his gun next to the royal child’s ear as a heavenly light illuminated his every action. With an unwavering hand of justice that’s not afraid to fell those who dare prey on the innocent, George Zimmerman pulled the trigger and almost immediately the startled child woke and began breathing.

Later, George would only hold the baby for a few moments, so as not to deprive the boy the comfort of his mother. But he could be heard whispering two words and two words only into the babe’s ear: 'End apartheid. End apartheid.'"


-- The Superficial's description of the role newly minted "hero" George Zimmerman played in the birth of the royal baby

In discussing Zimmerman's rescue of a family from an overturned SUV, his lawyer, human dog turd Mark O'Mara, called the act "quintessential George."

Get ready for reality TV's newest hit, folks. That's So George -- coming soon to TLC.

Friday, August 10, 2012

(Would-be) Headline of the Day


"Kristen Stewart Aborted Robert Pattinson’s Baby Into Rupert Sanders’ Mouth."

-- The Superficial, pointing out by way of a joke that gossip sites can now print any rumor about the Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson cheating scandal and get away with it

Friday, December 9, 2011

Quote of the Day


"That all sounds well and good until you realize fantasizing about Justin Bieber is a gateway drug to joining a tween murder army, so you really have to ask yourself: Would you prefer your daughter to be on an FBI watch list for attempting to replace Selena Gomez’s uterus with a Polly Pocket playset or getting diddled by the shithead next door with the earring? I’m genuinely asking because this one looks like a coin toss to me. 'Alright, heads, you can murder a Disney Channel star. Tails, we put you on the pill and let Joey come over, so, just between you and daddy, I’m rooting for heads. Here we go!'"

-- The Superficial, on the promotional video for Justin Bieber's new cologne in which the tween idol and object of everyone else's seething hatred tries to show fathers the bright side of their daughters' lust for him, which is that at least they're not banging "Joey" next door

I think I'd go with choice number two. The next door neighbor I could get close enough to to kill. Plus I think a worship of Bieber would be infinitely worse for her in the big picture -- and more embarrassing for her father.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Quote of the Day: Addendum


"Oh, good. Just what this situation needed. The input from a man whose daughter is single-handedly creating an army of 11-year-old strippers."

-- The Superficial.com, responding to word that Billy Ray Cyrus, who happens to be on the Parents Television Council advisory board, is speaking out in support of the Glee photo shoot in GQ

Friday, January 15, 2010

Quote of the Day


"Snooki is still out there. Like the Chupacabra if it hungered only for calzones."

-- TheSuperficial.com, referring of course to Jersey Shore's own elfin human punching bag