Assistant Quote of the Day

"We went and bought the hedge clippers. You’re gonna give me 5 large for each one I get."

-- 23-year-old Tanner Ruane, who was allegedly contracted by a prison inmate in New Mexico last year to castrate Justin Bieber

A local station in Albuquerque just released audio tapes of the deal going down and, while a lot of outlets are calling the conversation "chilling" -- because news managers just love the crap out of that word -- it actually sounds like exactly what it is: a couple of white-trash idiots hatching a comically ambitious plan that never has a chance in hell of actually coming to fruition, because everyone involved has a lemon wedge for a brain.

But hey, wouldn't it have been fun to see the look on Tanner Ruane's face when he pulled down Bieber's pants to cut his balls off?

Quote of the Day

"That all sounds well and good until you realize fantasizing about Justin Bieber is a gateway drug to joining a tween murder army, so you really have to ask yourself: Would you prefer your daughter to be on an FBI watch list for attempting to replace Selena Gomez’s uterus with a Polly Pocket playset or getting diddled by the shithead next door with the earring? I’m genuinely asking because this one looks like a coin toss to me. 'Alright, heads, you can murder a Disney Channel star. Tails, we put you on the pill and let Joey come over, so, just between you and daddy, I’m rooting for heads. Here we go!'"

-- The Superficial, on the promotional video for Justin Bieber's new cologne in which the tween idol and object of everyone else's seething hatred tries to show fathers the bright side of their daughters' lust for him, which is that at least they're not banging "Joey" next door

I think I'd go with choice number two. The next door neighbor I could get close enough to to kill. Plus I think a worship of Bieber would be infinitely worse for her in the big picture -- and more embarrassing for her father.

Quote of the Day

"You guys are evil... Canada's the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."

-- Justin Bieber on the U.S. healthcare system, in an interview with Rolling Stone (and no, this isn't satire)

I'm not even going to get into whether I agree or disagree with any of what he's saying, but dear God did this kid just open up a world of shit.

Tune in tonight at 5pm to see his perfectly coiffed little head right between George Soros and Mohamed ElBaradei on Glenn Beck's chalkboard with the words "Prince of the Coming Caliphate" scrawled overtop of it. Hell, Beck may even try playing Baby backward to see if it says, "I buried capitalism."

Either way, good luck dodging the fire, Biebs.

Babies, Babies, Babies

A funny thing, last night's Grammys: On the one hand most of the bands I listen to likely don't need the validation of a Grammy and so the awards were and are pretty irrelevant to me, and yet I admit to really eating up the fact that what could very well be the best album of last year actually won a Grammy for being the best album of last year: Arcade Fire's superb The Suburbs. It's rare that the cool-kid, music critic crowd and the views of the recording academy -- an organization which has proven itself over the years to be slavishly devoted to mediocrity -- intertwine, but I suppose miracles never cease.

If there's one thing, though, that we as a nation can come together and revel in following the Grammys, it's that the adults of the recording industry, whether intentionally or not, managed to rise up and strike at least a minor blow directly into the heart of Justin Bieber's rabid and hive-minded tween fan base. Let's be honest: Everyone expected that insufferable little shit to take the award for Best New Artist, and, predictably, when he didn't and the award went to obscure jazz singer Esperanza Spalding, Bieber's legion of wet-between-the-legs pre-teen girls completely lost their fucking minds.

See for yourself:


Yes, that's Esperanza Spalding's Wikipedia page, which was almost immediately descended upon by outraged servants to the One True Haircut. They made fun of her name; they wailed and gnashed their teeth; they wrote in all caps about how she should "GO DIE IN A HOLE" and how "JUSTIN BIEBER DESERVED IT," which of course is true because as you know, being a jazz musician, Spalding will be gone in two weeks while the Bieber juggernaut/choke-hold isn't at all the evanescent fad the cynical would have you believe. That Bieber kid is here to stay, I tell you. What I think this highlights, though, is the need for angry tweens to tone down their inflammatory and irresponsible rhetoric before some forlorn, emotionally unhinged 13-year-old takes this kind of hate speech to heart and really does try to shoot Esperanza Spalding in the head at point blank range during one of her public appearances. I mean, it's only a matter of time. And when it happens, Justin Bieber will be to blame.

In all seriousness, as anyone who's kept up with this site over the years knows, I hate the tween domination of pop culture with the heat of a thousand suns -- and the beaver-shit crazy, overly entitled reaction to seeing their current deity go down for even just a couple of seconds explains why.

Suck it, kids. It's about time you learned to get used to a little disappointment.

By the way, as I mentioned on Twitter last night, when 16-year-old Bieber stepped onstage dressed in black leather, that wasn't rain outside your window -- it was Michael Jackson jerking off in heaven.

Related:

That Stupid Year: The Ten Most Ridiculous, Shameful or Generally Unfortunate People and Events of 2008 (#9 The American Tween)/1.5.09

Kids Incorporated/4.24.08

(Likely Fake) Quote of the Day

"I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."

-- Justin Bieber

This little gem has been circulating all over the place today, but no one seems to be able to authenticate it. I tend to think it's phony, seeing as how I can't imagine Justin Bieber having any idea who Kurt Cobain is.

That said, on the off chance that I'm wrong -- Beeb, I got a shotgun I'm happy to lend you if you want to really be like Cobain.

Assistant Quote of the Day

"Dark and Dramatic. Gothic and Eerie. Inspired by love and tragedy. Watch my latest video. Its a Justin Bieber cover."

-- A regular YouTube video poster who goes by the screen-name "GabyMusicTV"

You know, at this point I think I might actually back a Hitler-like leader who rallied this nation toward a holocaust directed at everyone between the ages of, say, 12 and 17.

*Yeah, yeah, I know. As always feel free to direct your complaints here.

Identical Tweens

You're welcome.

Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber

Thinking Outside the Inbox

The latest in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

Hi Chez,

Curious if Justin Bieber is serious about working with Taylor Swift? Want to find out the inside scoop on what he and Miley Cyrus will present at the 2010 Grammys? I thought you and your readers would be interested in this VIP meet&greet with teen sensation Justin Bieber, which is up for auction at charitybuzz.com to raise funds for Let Em Play – a charity which helps youth participate in sports, entertainment, and educational programs who otherwise would not be able to afford to.

Meet Justin Bieber & Attend His Concert at the Rosemont Theatre in Chicago on March 24th or 25th: The winner and a guest will receive 2 tickets to the sold-out Justin Bieber concert in Chicago at the Rosemont Theatre on either March 24th or 25th. Both the winner and their guest will meet Justin Bieber before the concert, take pictures with him, and receive one autograph each.

Additional packages can be found at letemplay and include:

Pink Stratocaster Guitar Signed by Miley Cyrus!: No name is more recognized in the pop music and television shows of the teen crowd then Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana. She has dominated both genres for the past several years and is one of the most sought after people of her generation. This guitar signed by Miley Cyrus comes with our certificate of authenticity, an independent certificate of authenticity from one of the most respected authenticators in the industry, PLUS, a video of Miley actually signing the guitar!

For more information or images, please contact me at xxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.com

Best,

Matt

And now, my response:

Dear Matt,

Sounds good. I'm planning to kill myself next Thursday, so really anytime before that will work. Just e-mail all the necessary info to jesusdoyouevenreadthesitesyouresendingthisshitto@gmail.com and I'll get right on it. Oh, and it's than not then; as in "no name is more recognized in the pop music and television shows of the teen crowd than Miley Cyrus," or maybe "I'd rather be colonoscoped with the front of a Los Angeles class nuclear submarine than have to listen to Mylie Cyrus or Justin Bieber."

Glad I could help.

Toodles,

Chez : )