That's Not Funny!

So, let's go ahead and spin the Wheel of Outrage and see what we land on this time. Oh, look at that -- we're back in familiar territory: The Onion.

I'm sure you all remember the Quvenzhané Wallis tweet-heard-round-the-world during the Oscars; our nation's psychic wounds are just now, finally, starting to heal in the wake of it. Well, now it looks like any chances the almost across-the-board brilliant satire site may have had of making amends and winning back fans within a certain segment of the perpetually indignant liberal intelligentsia have apparently been dashed because of a story it just posted just a little while ago. The target this time: Chris Brown.

Here's the piece in its entirety:

"LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always thought the 25-year-old singer was going to be the woman he’d beat to death one day. 'Despite all the ups and downs, I was so sure Rihanna was the one I’d take by the throat one day and fatally assault, and even toward the end I continued to hold out hope that we’d be together until the day she died at my hands from blunt-force trauma,' Brown, 24, said in a radio interview this week, telling DJs he still has abusive feelings for his ex-flame and is hopeful that he might punch her again one day. 'It’s hard knowing that there’s some other guy out there who gets to beat her senseless. In fact, for all I know, there might be someone out there assaulting her right now. And let me tell you, that guy is the luckiest guy in the world.' A saddened Brown added that, should the couple not reconcile, he remains confident that the special someone he was meant to beat to death is still out there for him, and when he finds her, he’ll waste no time in slapping her."

Now you'd think that something this vicious that was obviously intended solely to demean Chris Brown -- an unapologetic woman-beating dickhead who should be in prison right now -- would be embraced by the usual names within the feminist media community. You'd think that, however only if you didn't allow for the fact that those same usual names believe that when it comes to certain predetermined subjects, satire should always be watered down at the risk of very stupid people maybe getting the wrong idea or the already victimized -- literally or figuratively -- being victimized all over again by something they read on a website that deals in smart humor.

And so, compliments of Salon, of course -- who immediately busted out its stock "Did _____ Go Too Far?" headline -- come these breaths of pure fire, designed to hopefully cleanse The Onion, and us, of our cultural sins.









As you can see, there are some thing that can't be the subject of biting satire, no matter who that very nasty bite is taken out of. There are some things that just aren't funny. There are -- eh, fuck it, how many times have I said this now?

Punk vs. Punk

I haven't really been into wrestling since the Rock bailed for Hollywood, but CM Punk's pretty bad-ass. Since he's avowed straight-edge he doesn't look like some 'roided-out gorilla and he can be genuinely menacing in an uncharacteristically quiet, simmering sort of way. All of which makes his video response to the entirely ill-advised Twitter battle that little bitch Chris Brown decided to get into with him the most awesome thing you'll see all day.

I can't think of anything more amusing than Chris Brown walking around with that new Grammy he's so proud of sticking out of his ass.

Tweet of the Day

FTW

Gotta give it to Fox's Andy Levy for this thing of beauty.

The (Further) Beat Degeneration

I rest my case.

Starpulse: Rihanna Demanding that Chris Brown Apologize on Oprah?/3.31.09

The Beat Degeneration

I'll make this quick, then slip back beneath the calm waters of my self-imposed exile from reality:

Rihanna doesn't need your fucking "advice."

The couple of times I've glanced at the TV over the past 24-hours, I've been unfortunate enough to find the familiar faces of abusive relationships from news cycles past, resurfacing to throw in their two cents about the whole Rihanna-Chris Brown thing. I'm talking about a veritable hit parade of relevancy-resurrectional opportunism consisting of the likes of Denise Simpson, Robin Givens and, of course, America's expert on every form of human experience, Oprah.

These people have come out of the woodwork to offer their enlightened opinions on why Rihanna might unwisely fall back into the arms of a guy with an apparently wicked backhand, and how she's just going to wind up enduring more physical and emotional abuse if she does ("girlfriend").

The subject of domestic abuse is a very serious one, which is why it shouldn't under any circumstances be dumbed-down and put up for a national debate among the pop culture punditocracy. Oprah has nothing worthwhile to add to the discussion -- neither does Robin Fucking Givens nor anyone else whose only qualifications are that his or her own story of abuse once pruriently titillated the public. These are merely people who glommed onto this latest macabre spectacle for the sake of their own self-interest. Some took the initiative of throwing their own names into the hat of self-appointed professionals; others just happened to be the most obvious choices of the sorts of overworked (but ultimately lazy) news bookers who tend to leap down the path of least resistance when it comes time to find a way to further a story and kill five minutes of air time.

Once again, domestic abuse is a serious subject.

Which is why you shouldn't give a crap what someone who's already proven him or herself to be little more than an attention junkie has to say about it.

Quote of the Week

"He was very professional and didn't appear to have injuries. He's a good looking young man."

-- LAPD Sgt. Bridget Pickett, talking about 20-year-old accused wife-batterer Jamal Jackson Jimenez, of the Rampart District of Los Angeles, who was arrested last night*

*Of course, I'm kidding. She's talking about celebrity R&B singer Chris Brown, who turned himself in to police after allegedly beating up his girlfriend, Rihanna, and who's already hired attorney to the rich-and-famous Mark Geragos for the automatic plea bargain and sentence of ten minutes in jail (or ten days with time off for good behavior after an hour) that will inevitably follow.