Thinking Outside the Inbox

The latest in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

"Hey Chez,

Wanted to give you the 411 involving the latest celebrity showdown that will play out on the dance floor…

So, What's the Scoop?

Ms. Sasha Fierce better look out because Barbie has hired JaQuel Knight (the choreographer from the 'Single Ladies' video and MTV VMA Nominee) to create the newest dance craze – 'The Barbie' for her FIRST MUSIC VIDEO... featuring a remake of the classic 'Barbie Girl' song...

JaQuel has worked with three of the biggest 'B’s' in show business today... Beyonce, Brit and now Barbie…and thought this could be something fun to share with your readers... especially with the VMA’s just around the corner.

I attached a press release that has all the juicy details and included the You Tube link to the music video.

Have fun doing 'The Barbie'

Thanks,

Sarah"

And now, my response.

Dear Sarah,

Fuck yeah! Bring it on, honky tonk, 'cause you just made my day! I was sitting here not a moment ago, in my wheelchair next to the nurses' station, thinking to myself, "Gosh, the VMAs are coming up. What ever shall I do?" My readers -- who as you know are made up of a giant wire-mesh cage filled with rhesus monkeys -- will be demanding that I bring them "the 411" on every little thing the average MTV viewer might care about. I was thinking about getting Tila Tequila to go down on me in one of the bathrooms at Nikki Beach Club and then relaying in graphic detail my subsequent battle with syphilis, but unfortunately the doctors won't even let me have visitors anymore, much less allow me out for a "field trip" -- not after the incident with the school bus.

I thought I was out of luck. And then you come along like an angel with the Barbie Dance (which as you mention is sure to become a "craze" simply because, well, your PR firm is already declaring to the slavish media that it is one). I can't thank you enough for this, Sarah; especially for helping to ensure that by this time next month, the, ahem, "classic" Barbie Girl song will have spread like a virus across America and will be blasting from every car stereo, iPod, television and movie trailer so that it's inescapable.

And I'll once again have to take a drill to my head to get the fucking sound of it out of my brain. Which is what landed me in this particular ward back in the mid-90s to begin with.

Thanks again -- and for God's sake make the screaming stop!

Toodles,

Chez : )

PS: Yay! Sasha Fierce!

PPS: This is all for a doll? Really?

(Update: Fine. You guys win. The video can be found here and the "JaQuel" Barbie Dance tutorial can be found here. I promise you that each of them will make your ears and eyes bleed and your brain run out through your nose. Now please stop sending me e-mails saying "PLAY THE VIDEO! PLAY THE VIDEO!" Jesus Christ, I was joking about the whole rhesus monkeys thing but maybe I wasn't all that far off.)