The Cynicist Manifesto: Addendum

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but I think it's time to once again add to the list of random thoughts and observations that don't necessarily merit a full post.


Prole Food

When did Wendy's restaurants get brought under the control of the Ministry of Truth? The TV commercials for their new garden fresh salads feature a perky female announcer asking the following question: "If warm chicken is good, and cold, crunchy veggies are good -- then wouldn't a warm chicken and cold, crunchy veggies salad be good-good?"

So it's official: Wendy's is the first fast food chain to translate its menu into Orwellian Newspeak.

The next time you stop in, try ordering a doubleplusgood salad, a potatofry and a big-big Victory Coke.


One Is a Relic from the Past, Rendered Obsolete by Changing Times -- The Other Is an Old Cell Phone

I can't get enough of this picture. It unintentionally sums up the essence of John McCain's campaign in just about every way.

Somewhere David Spade is saying (to himself), "Hey John, 1984 called -- they want the phone they called you on back."


Berkley Students

Speaking of ancient history: Remember not when MTV played music videos (because that was just too long ago) but when the worst complaint you could level at MTV was that it didn't play videos anymore? You know -- the days before it began airing nothing but toxic crap like The Hills 24/7? Well, apparently Tila Tequila and that dunce Heidi Montag haven't done enough to prepare America's next generation of young women for regret-stained futures in the prostitution industry, because the network is now bringing out the big guns. Elizabeth Berkley, star of 1995's rape-tastic film classic Showgirls, is in talks with MTV to develop a show aimed at empowering adolescent girls. Berkley wants to base the show on a series of workshops she currently hosts which addresses self-esteem and body issues in young women -- because, as you know, these days no one's more qualified to convince girls that they're attractive just the way they are than a goddamned living Barbie doll who hosts a reality show and once pretended to go down on Gina Gershon.

If I might suggest a title for the show, how about Stupid is the New Smart?


Ferris Bueller's Lay Off

If you believe what you read in the tabloids, there's major trouble in the marriage of New York's homeliest celebrity couple. According to this week's Star Magazine (motto: "Fuck It, We Can Retract Later") Matthew Broderick has been cheating on Sarah Jessica Parker. The magazine says Broderick met someone at a bar a few months ago and that the two of them have been slyly tooling around town together ever since. The most entertaining thing about this story, however, is the specific angle that the Star has wisely decided to play up for shock value. The magazine's cover points out that Broderick's affair is, surprisingly, "with a 25 year old woman."

For the record, the tabloid could just as easily have said that Broderick is sleeping with someone who doesn't look like the business end of a Tijuana donkey show, and the effect would've been the same.

(The Cynicist Manifesto: American Idol Edition/3.6.08)