Past Imperfect

As it's a holiday week and I'm still in the process of unpacking my new home, I figure it's as good a time as any to once again delve into the archives and run a cheap-and-dirty "Best Of" column.

Enjoy, kids.

All of my contributions to The Huffington Post (The Huffington Post: Chez Pazienza)

I get fired from CNN. (Say What You Will/2.18.08)

I ask you to help me come up with my official new "media title." (You Name It/2.21.08)

I want to know why liberals can't seem to take a joke. (Why So Serious?/4.25.08)

I am John McCain (and You're a Cunt) (Here's Johnny/6.21.08)

I give up. (Resistance is Futile/6.24.08)

I get into a fight with M. Night Shyamalan (Welcome to My M. Nightmare/6.12.08)

I go back to the office I was fired from, and find that the people there just don't get it. (The Outsider/6.9.08)

I go looking for Maxine Turner, and end up utterly heartbroken. (And All That Could Have Been/4.19.07)

I will never forgive NBC News for its shameful exploitation of the Virginia Tech massacre in the name of ratings, and neither should you. (The Tapes of Wrath/4.20.07)

I survive Hurricane Andrew, and get a girlfriend in the process. (Into the Maelstrom/8.24.07)

As it turns out, I was one of the lucky ones. (Death Be Not Proud... But It Is Cost-Effective/12.30.07)

I contemplate a young boy's uncertain future, while remembering a young girl's tragic past -- the first girl I ever loved. (The Part that Never Comes Home/1.21.07)

I am Mitt Romney's silly belief system. (The Sectarian Candidate/12.6.07)

I am Hillary Clinton in the hizzay, yo! (Is Barack Obama Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?/1.7.08)

I pick on Hannah Montana and likely earn Zach Braff some hate mail. (Montana Uber Alles/11.20.07)

I have a tumor the size of a pinball removed from my brain. (Where Is My Mind?: Part 1/10.12.06) (Where Is My Mind?: Part 2/12.26.06)

I am one very pissed off Disney character. (Tigger with Attitude/1.8.07)

I defend a gay, drug-using preacher. (Sympathy for the Reverend/11.5.06)

I get a rather nasty e-mail from a group of gun enthusiasts in Virginia, and respond in kind. (Blow Back/6.21.07)

I give you a glimpse inside New York's hippest hotel -- and at the spoiled celebrities who make life a living hell for its staff. (Veruca Assault/10.26.06)

I am Oprah's secret plan to own Rachael Ray and Barack Obama. (There's No "I" in Oprah/10.25.06)

I examine the curious case of Michael Richards and wonder if it's possible to spout racist language without actually being a racist. (The Nth Degree/11.21.06)

I hang out with 15-year-olds at a My Chemical Romance concert, and ask if you've got a problem with that. (The Kids are Alright/4.2.07)

I go to rehab (yeah, yeah, yeah). (Welcome to the Monkey House/6.4.07)

I truly am sorry for all that Anna Nicole Smith crap on your television. (And Now, an Apology in the Form of an Open Letter to America/2.15.07)

I decipher the secret meaning of "The Knut Song." (Fight Cub/4.10.07)

I cover the verdict in the O.J. Simpson civil trial. (If You Want Blood, You've Got It/11.16.06)

I have a plan to bring down American Idol. (One Little Indian/4.5.07)

I meet a man who's going to be executed in 24 hours. (Things to Do in Texas When You're Dead/8.25.06)

I present an infuriating personal example of how religion is child abuse. (Jesus Loves Me, This I Know, for My Parents Tell Me So/10.8.06)

I sympathize with child molesters and play To Catch a Hack Journalist with NBC's Chris Hansen. (Idiot vs. Predator/3.1.07)

I come face-to-face with the woman I've fantasized about since she stepped out of a pool and unhooked her red bikini top on film back in 1981. (Girls, Girls, Girls: Part 1: Heaven's Cates/5.4.07)

I become an overnight sensation, thanks to a bunch of douchebags. (2006: Year of the Douchebag/1.5.07)