Occupational Hazard

I'll make this quick, since if I dwell on it for too long my head will explode.

I swear, I really do my damndest not to unleash too much unrestrained venom on this site -- certainly not twice in one week (Low is Lane/1.8.08).

Unfortunately a story is now making the rounds which seriously makes me wish that spree-killing, just for a few minutes at least, were legal.

In case you haven't heard, The Golf Channel (Motto: "You're Fucking Kidding, Right? THE GOLF CHANNEL?") announced last night that it's suspending its lead anchor, Kelly Tilghman, for two weeks. The punishment comes in the wake of an offhand comment Tilghman made on the air last Friday night while casually bantering with analyst Nick Faldo. The two were talking about how Tiger Woods must seem unbeatable to young players on the circuit; Faldo joked that nothing could stop Tiger short of up-and-coming golfers physically "ganging up on him," at which point Tilghman chuckled "lynch him in the back alley."

I have no doubt that the second Kelly Tilghman said this, she regretted it and wished she could get a Mulligan -- mostly because she in no way meant it to sound the way she realized it could be taken (and of course has been taken by at least one demagogic jackass whom I'll get to in a minute).

The management of The Golf Channel, in justifying its reprimand called Tilghman's words "hurtful and grossly inappropriate."

Except that, once again -- she didn't fucking mean anything by it. It was a thoroughly innocuous comment made sinister only by the intractably cursed connotation we've bestowed upon a single word. Not that a person's true intentions are ever allowed to be taken into account in cases like these, but how insane is it that Kelly Tilghman is now having to apologize up and down -- she's forced to publicly prostrate herself at the feet of the aggrieved few who should have no say whatsoever in this matter anyway -- all because she accidentally blurted out some supposed linguistic pariah?

Turns out Tilghman is good friends with Tiger Woods and has been for some time. She apologized to him -- and guess how he responded?

The way you'd expect someone with Tiger's grace, class and good goddamned sense to respond.

His spokesperson said this:

"Tiger has a great deal of respect for Kelly. Regardless of the choice of words used we know unequivocally that there was no ill-intent in her comments. This story is a non-issue in our eyes."

Needless to say, the fact that the only person who has a right to feel insulted by any of this doesn't feel at all insulted isn't stopping at least one other guy from voicing his substantial and ridiculous ire.

Care to guess who I'm talking about?

I won't even bother spelling it out for you. I'm just going to dispense with the decorum once and for all and issue a heartfelt plea:

Please, please, please -- would Al Sharpton just crawl into a bathtub somewhere and drag in a toaster-oven?

I've spent so much time over the past several months bitching about this self-serving, self-aggrandizing, self-righteous attention whore (And Now, An Open Letter to Al Sharpton/12.4.07) that I'm simply out of bitter adjectives to describe him and the ongoing and unnecessary cultural affliction he represents.

Last night on CNN, as predictable as a rainbow after a rainstorm, there was everyone's favorite camera-ready clown doing his contrived outrage shtick. Big Al, still emboldened by his successful railroading of irrelevant boob Don Imus last year, is of course calling for Kelly Tilghman to be fired outright. Thankfully, saner heads are prevailing and Sharpton appears to be blathering only to himself this time around.

Which in no way mitigates his absolute worthlessness as a human being.

So I'll say it one more time for the cheap seats -- come on Al, kill yourself.

Please.

Do the world a fucking favor already.

Oh yeah, and to Kelly Tilghman -- thanks for at least making golf interesting for a couple of hours.