Listening Post

I'm going to be completely out of the loop for at least the next 48 hours. For those who don't understand the term, it's called a deadline because you'll want to kill yourself by the time it's right on top of you.

Here's Anouk's Lost.

Sunday Sacrilege

The Onion: God Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder/5.2.01

Quote of the Day

"Jon's goal every night is to inform and illuminate, and to be funny while doing so. Whatever Jon's political leanings, he is an equal-opportunity comedian and satirist. Whether you're black, brown, green or purple, whether you're Hispanic, White, African-American, Arab or Chinese, whether you're liberal, conservative, libertarian or just plain apolitical, Jon just goes where the funny is (and sometimes it's the jugular). Nobody gets a pass. And that's exactly the way it should be."

-- Rick Sanchez on Jon Stewart

Sanchez goes on to say that he was wrong to call Stewart a bigot last year, an unfortunate career move since it provided incoming CNN management with the perfect excuse to fire him. For the record, he's defending Stewart and The Daily Show against accusations of racism and an overt liberal bias by quixotic conspiracy theorist and senile old man Bernie Goldberg -- and that wins Sanchez plenty of bonus points in my book.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

From 1951, it's a classic featuring Sylvester, Tweety and the cat with the messed-up eye.

Here's Putty Tat Trouble.

Thinking Outside the Inbox

Yet another entry in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

"Happy Friday! THIS is the future of Ark Music Factory:

Ark Music Factory’s newest pop star Lexi St.George debuted yesterday morning on Good Morning America. The song is building steadily at YouTube. Coverage is massive all week on Ark and GMA’s web sites—of the segment and the song. iTunes average rating for the song is 4.5. Online comments are overwhelmingly positive. There’s even a bootleg “chipmunk” version of the song. The video, outtakes, exclusive footage and photos of Lexi are also featured on Ark Music Factory’s web site www.arkmusicfactory.com,

While Rebecca Black—an artist discovered, defined, and delivered by Patrice Wilson, founder of ARK Music Factory--became an overnight pop sensation with 'Friday,' Lexi’s going to go far too and she represents a significant evolution of Ark. 'Ark Music Factory is an online music platform that discovers, defines and delivers up and coming talent to the next level,' says veteran music manager and film producer Anita Camarata has come to Ark to work alongside founder Patrice Wilson. She says, 'Ark Music Factory works to provide new artists with the tools to progress in their careers, and we develop artists of our own.'

GMA and Ark Music Factory -- with the help of a great talent and a stellar team -- made a pop star in one week. Who’s next? In few weeks, Ark plans a nationwide online talent search. For more information, fans should make sure to keep visiting www.abcnews.go.com/GMA and www.arkmusicfactory.com and get ready to become the next Ark Pop Star. We welcome your coverage! Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July.

Cheers,

Harry"

And now, my response:

Dear Harry,

This is normally where I'd cleverly pretend to gush over the contents of your press release in the hope that my douchey faux-magnanimity would clue you in to the fact that I couldn't care less what kind of crap you're peddling. I would, really, but to be honest I'm too fucking tired right now to even muster up the energy to be decently sarcastic with you -- especially about something as patently ridiculous as the "Ark Music Factory," which is probably as close to an engine of pure evil as you'll find this far north of hell. If you somehow wind up representing the guy who, in a fit of insane rage or maybe to impress Evan Rachel Wood, winds up taking the entire staff of the Ark Music Factory hostage and who burns the place the the ground, drop me a line. That I can work with. Otherwise, please don't get anywhere near my inbox.

True, my brain is tapioca right now but even in my compromised condition I know a diabolical abomination when I see and hear it. And while I'm sure the wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Company/Cap Cities/ABC TV known as "Lexi St. George" (and way to give her a head-start in her future porn career with that name, by the way) is a nice enough girl, she should never be forgiven for her role in what's about to be foisted on the American public over the next three weeks. Jesus, at least Rebecca Black rose to fame respectably -- by going from a joke on Twitter to the teen queen of irony to an inexplicable sensation in a split second. It was organic. Lexi can't even make that claim; she's what happens when the mainstream media, like your grandmother friending you on Facebook, begins meddling with the primal forces of viral transmission and social networking and just decides to cut out those pesky middle men and go ahead and make something the next big thing simply by dubbing it so.

Speaking of which, tell the Ark Music Factory and GMA to stop patting themselves on the back. They engineered a pop star in one week with this girl. You know what that makes them? Amateurs. Underachievers. Ark's first unholy creation, the aforementioned Rebecca Black, did it in 72 hours with the help of one tweet from a comic who thought she was the worst thing he'd ever heard. This? This is cheating.

Man, do you write back to your mom in Des Moines and admit that you're doing this for a living or do you at least lie to her and tell her you've got a more respectable job in New York City -- like manning the business end of a restroom glory hole at Port Authority for spare change. Jesus, you poor bastard.

I Hate People Who Aren't British and Still Insist on Signing Off with "Cheers,"

Chez : )

Pod People

Just a heads-up from management that I took a little time out of my inhuman schedule last night to sit in as co-host with Bob Cesca on the suddenly Elvis-free Bob and Elvis Show. We get into why I'm so stressed lately, if you happen to be wondering, as well as super-hack Mark Halperin's comment that earned him the latest in a long line of stupid, high-profile suspensions from MSNBC and Chris Hansen's very bad date with irony.

The podcast is now posted at Cesca's site. Feel free to pop on over and take a listen. If nothing else it frees me up from having to take time I don't have to write down my irritation with the decision to bitch-slap Halperin while those two doofs Joe and Mika get to play dumb about the whole thing.

The Bubble Genius Bob and Something-or-Other Show/7.1.11

Listening Post

Ready to party like it's 1999 -- seriously?

The only thing funnier than the fact that Limp Bizkit's new album sounds like time stopped about a decade ago is the expectation that somebody like Fred Durst -- traditionally, the patron saint of the developmentally stunted -- would ever grow up at all.

Axe Body Spray and Girls Gone Wild, say hello to the tour you're about to co-sponsor.

Here's new Bizkit, and strangely it's kind of comforting to have them back. This is Gold Cobra.