Look Alive, Sunshine

This is actually very good news if it turns out to be true.

TV Newser: Soledad O'Brien Back To CNN Mornings?/9.15.11

I always believed that taking Soledad and Miles off mornings was a terrible idea. The problem was never the anchor team -- it was always the show itself. And it looks like CNN's going to correct that problem once and for all by separating its morning news into two distinct two-hour blocks, with Soledad anchoring the second.

Anchoring the first, according to the rumor mill?

Ashleigh Banfield.

Damn, and to think that I just republished my book and listed Banfield as working at ABC News in the "Where Are They Now" section of the new afterword. Things move fast in this business.

Anyway, glad to see both Soledad and Ash back in the anchor chair if this whole thing is really on the up-and-up. You go, girls.

I Love You, Kiran Chetry

An actual conversation I just had via Facebook Message with someone I've never met or spoken to before:

Avid Fan: i was wondering if you could do me a favor. XXXXXXXXX XXXX has a bunch of photos taken of kiran chetry from the royal wedding coverage in a new album and I was wondering if you could please tag the ones with kiran to her fanpage "kiranchetrycnn"? for some reason it doesnt work when i do it. If you could please just try to tag one of the photos of Kiran Chetry from XXXXXXXXX XXXX's album to her kiranchetrycnn fanpage I would really appreciate it and I will owe you one.

Me: You want me to tag photos to Kiran Chetry's fan page? Is it April Fool's Day or something?

AF: I know it sounds crazy but there were a few tagged photos of Kiran at the royal wedding on her fanpage from facebook.com/XXXXXXXXX.XXXX but they were reset for some reason. There is one in particular of Kiran sitting on a stool and if you could please tag "kiranchetrycnn" on it so it goes back to the fanpage both myself and a bunch of Kiran's fans would really appreciate it. Thank you so much!

Me: Do you know who I am -- what my history is at CNN?

AF: Yes, I know they didnt treat you well at the end. Though, if you could do this huge favor for me though I really would appreciate it.

Me: And you assumed that out of everyone in the known universe, I was the best choice to approach for this assignment -- I would be the most amenable to the idea of helping the millions of Kiran Chetry fans out there (among which I can very easily understand why you count yourself)? I for one am glad you're the future of the news-watching public, kid. By the way, do you know the real Kiran Chetry? I once watched her shoot a man just for snoring too loud. Her lower jaw also detaches so that she can eat small rodents. Most of the CNN staff is aware of this. Do you plan to use these photos for masturbation purposes? Because if so it's a) understandable, and b) I have some better ones if you have a valid credit card or Paypal account.

AF: No, they are not being used for that. Of course this is something I would do myself if XXXXXXXXX XXXX was my friend on here because she blocked the pictures only for friends and because of that the tag got removed. I dont know Kiran Chetry personally and if she isnt a nice person in real life I would rather not know about it. I know this is sad but this would mean a lot to me if you could take a couple minutes and do this.

Me: Ah, blissfully ignorant. You're definitely a fan of CNN's American Morning for all the right reasons. Kiran is a man. Pinky swear. I saw it. (Don't ask me how; it's something she made me promise to never speak of and when I even think about violating The Pact I weep openly about the fate that might befall my family.) And it's not sad. It's sweet and beautiful, your stalkerish tendency to approach strangers on Facebook and implore them to hook you up with photos of a television personality -- and don't ever let anyone, least of all the police, tell you differently.

AF: At least I am a fan of the John Roberts fan club. lol That guy doesnt even try to hide being stuck up and nasty!
*not a fan

Me: I had sex with John's wife.

AF: lol. your funny. btw..If Kiran is a man then I am really gay!

Me: Yes, I complained about wanting to turn American Morning into a comedy show but no one would listen to me. Until one day I realized it already was. Then Kiran ate a small dog and I never spoke out of turn again. And there's nothing wrong with being gay. Most television news personalities are gay; they're taken to an island off the coast of South America before they're given their on-air assignments and are converted through something called "The Trial of the Shirtless Greeks." I myself am gay from time to time. What are you doing next Saturday?

AF: Have you seen the ratings of that show.? It is a comedy show! Kiran is the only reason that it is watchable.

Me: I think you should seriously consider working on the show. They're hiring. The benefits are excellent and you'll get to see Kiran in a wife-beater every morning, which makes it less likely that you'll be eventually arrested for trying to see the same thing outside her bedroom window.

AF: man, you are really quick with your thoughts. I'm not good with comebacks.

Me: Don't be so hard on yourself. That's what Anderson Cooper is for.

AF: all I ask is that you tag one photo of Kiran from XXXXXXXXX XXXX's royal wedding album to the kiranchetrycnn fanpage. it will take you two seconds. I know your a good guy because if you werent CNN would have kept you.

Me: No. See what you get for insulting my beloved CNN?

DXM History Repeats: Television

Overwhelmingly, the subject I've written about most on this site over the last five years has been television. From news, to programming, to the tortured souls -- and, occasionally, the soulless -- who work behind the scenes, if there's one thing I know in this world and one thing I know always makes for entertaining reading, it's TV. The history of television-related posts on DXM includes the tales of my past in the business, a few hints at what it was like continuing to work as a producer, and of course the story of how I sacrificed that career on the altar of my desire to be a semi-professional jerk on the internet. Since leaving CNN in spectacular fashion in early 2008, I've continued to write consistently about TV -- its good, bad and ugly -- and so over the next week or so I'll repost some of the best pieces dealing with that very popular topic around these parts. First up: a glimpse behind the scenes of what regular readers now know was CNN's American Morning, circa June of 2007. This piece was posted briefly as a blind item, then was quickly taken down once my bile receded and sanity came rushing back in to fill the space after what was a very bad day at the office. Obviously, it doesn't matter how many people see it now -- or know who I'm talking about.

The DXM Fifth Birthday Jubilee

Topic: Television

Number of Posts: 317

"Adventures in Passive-Aggression" (Originally Published, 6.20.07)

I seem to remember making a promise a while back that at no point would this little experiment of mine turn into a "blog" in the traditional sense -- that I'd do everything in my power to prevent the columns that you find here from ever becoming a somewhat dull chronicle of what I'm doing at any given moment.

In other words, this is not my fucking diary.

And yet, there's no denying that although my primary goal here is to entertain, inform, enrage, provoke, pester, what-have-you, the feel of my MacBook's warmth on my lap and the rhythmic tapping of my fingers against its shallow keys does hold a certain therapeutic value for your humble narrator, and at the moment this is monumentally important. I make this declaration simply because I had the kind of day at work that, as of yet, nothing has been able to anesthetize.

Not beating the living hell out of a punching bag at the gym for an hour. Not playing a round or two of that Orbitz golf game that pops up on my computer desktop every so often like some internet Jehovah's Witness. Not lighting up a Montecristo Rothschilde. Nothing.

So, maybe all that's left is to get it off my chest. If I earned a living as, say, a drawbridge tender (my dream job, no lie), relaying the events of my workday to a mass audience would likely be unforgivably self-indulgent. However, because I spend most of my day wearing the hat of a network news producer, I might be able to pass the whole thing off as necessary for the general public's overall edification. I can tell myself that, goddammit, it's important that you people are fully aware just what kind of utter nonsense is involved in bringing you the important events of the day.

Yeah, that's it. That'll work just fine.

Please keep in mind that although by now some of you may have definite theories regarding which television network I work for, I still have to maintain some semblance of discretion. That said, this is the first time that I've pulled back the curtain and allowed anyone an even mildly unflattering look behind the scenes at the daily news program of which I'm currently a part. So, you know, let's just keep it between you and me -- okay?

Actually, now that I think about it -- none of what you're about to read is true. I made it all up.

We'll start at the beginning of my entirely fictional story:

00:00 (Zero Hour)

The alarm on my Blackberry goes off, jolting me out of a dream involving drawbridges (see?). Unlike most mornings, the first words out of my mouth don't bear a striking resemblance to the incomprehensible cursing that Yosemite Sam used to mutter under his breath in the old Warner Brothers cartoons; that's because my wife and I had a wonderful, relaxing weekend and for the first time in a very long time I feel pretty damn good. My current job may not necessarily be the most rewarding; it certainly isn't what I expected to be doing at this point in my life. Still, I shower and dress with a Zen-like calm -- content in the knowledge that, as Talk Talk once said so beautifully, life's what you make it. This morning, I'm determined to make it something great.

A few hours from now, this sentiment will have been crushed into a thousand itty-bitty pieces.

+00:45

I arrive at the office to find that we're alarmingly short-staffed. Apparently, no one realized that one of our key line producers -- a person responsible for actually taking the show into the control room -- was still on vacation. I put my bag down at my desk and meander over to the coffee machine -- using the hot water to make myself a cup of tea. I silently repeat my pledge to make life what I, uh, make it -- over and over -- thereby stopping myself from taking a running start and jumping through the plate glass and to the street far below. I'm Zen, baby.

+01:23

After reading through the day's news, which is admittedly worthless as I really only need to know one or two stories involving fires and dead pregnant women, I begin looking over the show -- my iPod earphones plugged tightly into my head, allowing the serene sounds of Coltrane's In a Sentimental Mood to comfort me as I begin my workday proper.

The big stories of the day, as expected: California fires, a dead pregnant woman, and, supposedly, the World's Ugliest Dog.

If I had actually gone to journalism school, I'd be furious that I had gone to journalism school for this.

+02:41

The first real speed-bump of the day (or at least something with the IQ of a speed-bump): Our regular anchor being off, we've drafted one of the best-looking people in television news to replace him. Unfortunately, this person is -- in keeping with my Warner cartoon theme, and in the words of Foghorn Leghorn -- about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. Our writing staff now finds itself forced to put pronunciation guides into our scripts for any word above a fourth-grade reading level.

I wonder for a brief moment if someone should be proactive and inform him before air that Charles Taylor is the former Liberian president, and not a former librarian.

+04:00

We're trying to come up with four or five ways to say what is essentially the same thing; this dilemma is pretty much par for the course when you have a large block of news and have chosen to fill it by throwing your entire reporting team at every conceivable angle of the Boyfriend-of-Missing-White-Woman-Found-Dead-Now-Charged-with-Murder du jour. I knew this story was going to be "huge" simply because I had noticed over the weekend that despicable ambulance-chaser Nancy Grace had actually come in on her day off to do a "Very Special" edition of her show on CNN Headline News.

One of our scripts reads, "The question everyone is asking is: Who is Bobby Cutts?" -- a reference to the man now charged with killing Ohio mother Jessie Davis.

Truer words were never spoken. Who the hell is Bobby Fucking Cutts?

+05:10

After two more cups of tea, a Diet Coke and a bag of Onion & Garlic Soy Crisps (because the damn machines are out of Bugles), I'm sufficiently amped -- although still maintaining as much Zen as possible, given the circumstances. Those circumstances would be the fact that we as a news organization have already begun our slavish, Riefenstahlian proselytizing in the name of our techno-fuhrer, Steve Jobs. Apple doesn't even need a marketing campaign for the iPhone; it has us -- the mass media. In Jobs We Trust.

I glance down at my Motorola Razr on my desk. I feel so 2005.

Still, I pick it up and cradle it somewhat lovingly -- suddenly finding an odd kinship with it. I imagine it feels sad, belittled and inferior right about now.

I can relate.

+06:30

I get an e-mail from a friend of mine in Miami who's also in TV news. He's in contact with the producers at another network; apparently Ann Coulter is -- at this very moment -- stalking their halls, waiting to go live on the air.

Someone once again invited Ann Coulter to appear as a guest on a supposedly respectable news show.

I hate this business.

+6:55

The show is underway and, as expected, we're falling behind simply because we're sorely lacking people. Also as expected, the executives are acting as if we're at full-staff, which means that -- when the show inevitably collapses on-air -- it will be the little people who get taken out behind the wood-shed. Two go out. One comes back.

I'm motherfucking Zen, goddammit.

+7:12

Our fill-in anchor has just mispronounced Mao, saying not "MOW" but "MAY-oh."

I immediately make sure he has a pronunciation guide for an upcoming story about Mensa (MEN-suh), as he's obviously not going to have the slightest clue how to say that particular word correctly.

+7:45

Our other anchor misreads a script -- inadvertently turning a story about San Francisco's mayor banning bottled water in all city offices to a story about San Francisco's mayor banning bottled water in the entire city.

Well, it certainly makes for a better story.

+8:20

Our main guest booker shouts across the newsroom, "I FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE!" rips off her headset and stomps away.

+8:30

Overwhelmed, understaffed and completely against the wall, we're suddenly commanded to juggle the end of the show in an effort to make room for a new guest. Possibly General David Petraeus? Terrorism expert Peter Bergen perhaps? Fareed Zakaria with analysis on the situation in Gaza?

Nope, it's the kid who put his cell phone number up on YouTube -- the one who's since met a girl online whom he's now asked to marry him after a mere month and a half.

Talk Talk was wrong. Life isn't what you make it; it's what your bosses make it.

And if they happen to be in the news business -- they make it shit.

My Zen is fucked.

+8:45

Eight hours and forty-five minutes after I woke up in a great mood, I'm trying to prevent myself from taking the entire newsroom hostage. My bosses walk out of the control room and into their respective offices one at a time -- saying nothing.

Not a word.

Not a "thank you" to the skeleton crew who pulled off a nearly impossible feat.

Nothing.

Finally, one of the show's line producers walks past my desk. I look up at him from my chair. "Say something nice to me, Alex," I say quietly. "Tell me we did good."

"You guys were great," he says. "I have no idea how we pulled it off."

Neither do I -- and I have no idea how we'll do it again tomorrow.

Or why for that matter.

Quote of the Day

"John is a tyrant, freaking out over stories and guests, and Kiran is dumb as a rock."

-- According to the New York Post, an anonymous staffer on CNN's American Morning

I tend to disregard most of what the Post says, especially on Page Six. But I have to admit that when I said as much to the close friend and former CNN AM producer who sent this to me this morning, her response kind of nailed it: "It's not like it's a new complaint... It's something we've all said while we're there."

She's absolutely right.

(You know I'm sick when even Nyquil can't put me to sleep.)

News You Can Abuse

Why I love The Daily Show, reason #313:

Jon Stewart just proved once again that he's, ironically, one of the most competent and reputable news show hosts in America. He did it by verbally bitch-slapping the so-called serious media during a breakfast with correspondents covering the Democratic National Convention in Denver.

CNN reports:

"Stewart directed most of his ire at the 24-hour cable news networks, which he called 'gerbil wheels,' and said the media at-large had 'abdicated' to what he called the 'slow-witted beast.'

He said the never-ending television news cycle creates a 'false sense of urgency' and forces reporters to 'follow the veins that have been mined,' instead of pursuing serious and in-depth reporting."

And just how on-the-money is Stewart? Watch this video, edited by the people at 23/6, which shows what happens when the lack of any actual news to report makes CNN's staff go, apparently, insane.

You Couldn't Script It Better

A couple of weeks back, I briefly mentioned that the copy editors I last worked with on CNN's American Morning were hilariously incompetent; I believe "as sharp as a pillowcase full of wet toilet paper" were my exact words (Conscience Doth Make Crusaders/5.27.08).

Well, I've just been informed that one of them was fired a couple of days ago.

This makes the second time in recent memory -- third if you count Barb Simon, whom I never mentioned by name but who was a large part of the management team I heavily criticized -- that I've pointed out the failings of a CNN employee on this site, only to have him or her fired soon after. The first time, you may remember, was when I railed against the guy who sacked me, Ed Litvak, and saw him shown the door two weeks later (How To Lose a Job in 13 Days?/2.25.08).

Either somebody over there is listening, or the dismissals simply prove what I've been saying for some time about what's wrong with the show.

I seriously doubt that it's the former, but just in case: The real problem at CNN is that Jon Klein is still in charge and I don't have controlling interest in the company and a penthouse atop the Time Warner Center.

Oh, and an Audi R8 -- CNN needs to give me one of those too.

Gone Barby Gone

As promised, a few of the details and some thoughts on the firing of Barb Simon -- second-in-command at CNN's American Morning and one of my former supervisors.

Basically, here's what happened from what I can gather: Early last Thursday morning, Barb Simon showed up to work and was told that her services would no longer be required at CNN. Her abrupt exit was facilitated by a mercenarian, Agent Smith-like hatchet man named, ominously enough, Bart; he's a guy who was apparently brought in by CNN U.S. President and perpetual part-of-the-problem Jon Klein immediately after the firing of AM Executive Producer Ed Litvak last February (How To Lose a Job in 13 Days?/2.25.08), ostensibly to clean up the mess the show had become. Once Bart arrived on the scene following Ed's deparature, he was essentially in charge -- quietly laying down the law, keeping things in line and attempting to put the daily broadcast back on the rails. A talented senior producer named Janelle Rodriguez was culled from The Situation Room and officially named American Morning's new EP on April 16th. Basically, Barb had been a lame duck since the man who hired her and had coordinated with her in running the damn show into the ground -- Ed -- had been sent packing, and after Janelle's appointment, Barb became all but persona non grata around the office. It was always a matter of time before she was given her walking papers.

From what I hear, Janelle's doing a spectacular job, which I commend her on; I've mentioned more than a few times that I bear little in the way of ill will against most of the good folks on the CNN production staff. What actually is worth pointing out, though, is the reality behind Jon Klein's sudden call to "The Wolf" (Bart: "Okay Jon, so you've got a flagship show, minus a manager, stuck way behind Fox & Friends -- I'll take care of it."). It's classic Klein, really: Rather than do the dirty work himself, he surreptitiously brings in a lackey who can not only play Bad Cop all the way around, but who also serves to insulate him from any sort of accountability should things somehow go from bad to worse. The problem with American Morning has always been the same problem confronting the rest of the network: Klein stands over the shoulders of many of his managers, playing puppet-master, then conveniently retreats to his office to dole out pink slips when his ideas or instructions bear little -- or outright rotten -- fruit. This is largely why Ed Litvak is out of a job (although in the network's defense, he was a painfully bad manager when it came to dealing with people). As Barb served little purpose other than to back up Ed's actions -- well, that and to hack apart perfectly good scripts and salivate over any story having to do with Britney Spears -- she's now out of a job as well.

Of course, I have no doubt that they're both continuing to collect very hefty paychecks until the official end of their respective contracts. But at least the show might finally be heading in the right direction after years of mismanagement (before Ed Litvak, there was EP Kim Bondy, who was known more for the inordinate amount of time she spent on vacation and her affinity for Jimmy Choo shoes than anything else).

With Jon Klein still in charge at the top though, who the hell knows.

I'd say "stay tuned," but I'm not sure it's worth it either way.

Related:

(All About Ed/2.27.08)

(Say What You Will/2.18.08)

Conscience Doth Make Crusaders

As you probably know, I got fired by CNN for writing on my own time -- occasionally about the abysmal state of the news business -- without first allowing the network to approve my stuff (which is all kinds of amusing, given that the two copy editors I last worked with on American Morning combined were about as sharp as a pillowcase full of wet toilet paper).

On these virtual pages, I've held little back when it comes to my views on those executives and on-air "personalities" who I believe are destroying the Fourth Estate from the inside out -- and I have to assume it cost me a relatively high-paying job.

But it wasn't that high-paying.

I never made the kind of money that Barry Nolan did. Nor, for all my occasional bluster, have I ever made the kind of ballsy, idealistic statement that Nolan just did -- the one that wound up costing him his job.

The journeyman anchor was fired by Comcast CN8 TV last week, after he protested a decision by the Boston-area Emmy Awards to give Fox News talking-empty-head and Vaudevillian boob Bill O'Reilly the prestigious Governors Award; former recipients of this honor include Mike Wallace and WCVB legend Natalie Jacobson.

How committed was Nolan to ensuring that the Emmy folks understood the kind of mistake they were making?

While attending the Emmy ceremony -- after an e-mail campaign failed to garner enough voices willing to rock the boat -- Nolan quietly went table to table and dropped off fliers featuring impugnable quotes from O'Reilly himself as well as the public details of the multi-million dollar settlement in Bloviating Bill's high-profile sexual harassment suit.

I've pulled a lot of subversive stunts in my lifetime, but Nolan just made me look like one of the Jonas Brothers.

The important thing to keep in mind is this: His cause was absolutely righteous, and the fact that O'Reilly took home one of Emmy's highest honors says less about him than it does about the value of the Emmy itself these days -- about what can be considered worthy of journalistic recognition. When I picked up my first Emmy, back in Los Angeles in 1996, the very first thing I did when I stepped onstage and in front of the microphone was to dryly quote Groucho Marx: "I seem to remember him saying something about not wanting to belong to any club that would actually have someone like him as a member," I said. "So what does that say about the value of this thing right now?" I continued, holding up the award.

My willingness to dismiss both my own abilities and, in a roundabout way, the awards system itself was, at the time, nothing more than a product of my myopic, man-childlike stupidity. But make no mistake, the next person to win the Emmy Governors Award will be able to make a similar statement to the one I brashly made at 26 -- only he or she can claim that the award has been devalued not by the person winning it at that moment but by virtue of the fact that it was once given to Bill fucking O'Reilly.

If that doesn't make the award worthless, I have no idea what would.

Regardless, as much as it pains me to welcome Barry Nolan to the unemployment line, he's owed a debt of gratitude from anyone who believes, as I do, that television news has completely lost its way. He took a risk that temporarily cost him his livelihood, but he gets to keep his soul -- and I have no doubt that if there were more of his kind out there right now, I wouldn't have much to complain about when it comes to the TV news business.

I could deal with that.

(Think Progress: Barry Nolan Writes About Protesting Bill O'Reilly)