Continuing our DXM Fifth Birthday Jubilee, and because there's both a trailer for the new Harry Potter movie out as well as the first photos from whatever the next God-awful Twilight installment is, I figured I'd "resurrect" this quickie from late 2009.
"Blood Suckers" (Originally Published, 11.20.09)
Flooding my e-mail inbox today: questions as to why I haven't written a long piece eviscerating fans of the Twilight series, considering that I once mercilessly ridiculed the adult readers of Harry Potter.
The answer is simple, really. It's just too easy. Taking a lot of time out of my day to make appropriate fun of middle-aged women who swoon over Twilight's sparkly vampires, gay porn werewolves and silly sixth grade romance is beneath even me -- and I'm somebody who giddily grabbed the lowest-hanging fruit on the joke tree by calling Sarah Jessica Parker a horse.
Let me get this straight: A somewhat homely, boring Mormon woman writes a series of transparent teenage fantasies in which a somewhat homely, boring, submissive high school girl named -- love the subtlety -- "Bella Swan" is the object of the unwavering affection of a beautiful vampire and a rugged werewolf; there's no sex (because Mormons don't believe in that sort of thing) or violence, really, but there is plenty of laughably written unfulfilled, melodramatic longing and, ironically, toothless and inoffensive behavior from mythological creatures that are generally known to drink blood and eat human flesh. And, oh yeah, the books are aimed at 14-year-old girls.
And you're a mother of two who publicly admits that she laps this shit up?
Congratulations -- you're your own punchline.
I said it before but it bears repeating: Remember what you used to call the girl back in high school who was really into vampires?
Chances are you didn't call her at all -- and neither did anybody else.
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