Prison, Bitch

Throughout the history of this site, I've poked quite a bit of fun at Miley Cyrus; the fact that she was a tween icon, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Disney Company and the daughter of quite possibly the world's biggest douchebag always made her ripe for ridicule. But it's time I went ahead and copped to something: As Miley's gotten a little older, there's just no denying that she's become surprisingly hot.

The smoky voice, the long legs, the metric ton of great hair piled on top of that teenage head -- I'd be lying if I didn't admit that she's damn attractive.

But I say this with the knowledge that she's still jailbait -- and there's a reason why jailbait is called jailbait.

Maybe that idiot Perez Hilton doesn't understand this -- or maybe he's just so used to having his worthless, oversized ass inexplicably kissed by the media and has come to believe that his reputation as a mischievous firebrand somehow renders him invincible -- but he's now facing a wall of downward-rolling shit over his tweeting of an uncensored upskirt shot of Miley Cyrus getting out of a car, sans panties. I'll leave the head-shaking over the fact that Miley would be stupid enough to wander out of the house commando in the Age of the Paparazzi to another time; the most entertaining facet of this story is that while all Miley did was open her legs at an inopportune moment, Perez, né Mario Lavandeira, may have opened himself up to potential criminal charges. Miley may seem like any other celebrity in line for Perez's brand of juvenile mockery, but, once again, she's only 17 -- which means that posting pictures of her vagina technically counts as child pornography.

Perez is already playing dumb -- which isn't much of a stretch for him -- by claiming that he assumed Miley was, in fact, wearing undies in the picture. But anyone who's ever watched Chris Hansen grill some poor slob on national television knows that ignorance isn't much of a defense.

So has Perez finally backed himself into a corner he can't snark or slap-fight his way out of -- and will he eventually wind up on the receiving end of a Sisters-style laundry room rape at Shawshank?

Unlikely. In fact, I'll bet that in the long run this will just tack another 15 minutes onto his magically regenerating fame clock, and I'll bet he knows this full well.

But it's nice to dream.