Elegia

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them."

-- The Crow (1994)

It may not make an ounce of sense, but I somehow never thought this day would come.

I knew the facts. I'd followed the daily battles. I understood the reality of the situation. And yet I'm not sure it was ever possible to truly accept the notion that someone like Amanda Amos could lose her fight for life -- maybe because she had so much life, and it seemed a staggering implausibility that anything, even leukemia, had the power to take all of it.

But on Wednesday, the disease that she had been fighting valiantly, and with a level of dignity that would put most of us to shame, did just that.

Several months ago, I mentioned Amanda's battle with cancer on this site; I suggested that everyone read the series of blog posts she'd written chronicling her early medical care and surprisingly heartening state of mind as she faced an uncertain future. It continues to be some of the most life-affirming stuff I've ever read. Throughout the course of her treatment -- which brought with it good days and bad -- Amanda always kept her sense of humor, her sharp wit, and the powerful personality that made her so beloved by those of us who first met her at Pajiba.com and who continued to hold her tightly in our thoughts as the difficult days passed, one at a time.

Once again, it's simply impossible to come to terms with the death of someone who was so filled with life. It's both heartbreaking and humbling. If an Amanda Amos can be taken from this world, what guarantees do the rest of us have? If she can leave behind a loving husband and young child, and the universe doesn't lash out at the injustice, is this life really worth living?

I get the feeling that Amanda would've answered, "absolutely."

I think she would've said this because she knew that the love she created and leaves behind -- for her family and with her friends and admirers -- isn't going anywhere. It's what lasts. It's what will outlive us all.

We were all lucky to have her -- even if only for a little while.

Pajiba: RIP Alabama Pink/3.26.09

Amanda's Husband's Blog