Give 'Til It Hurts

21 Completely Random Comments My Wife and I Made to Each Other While Watching Last Night's Philanthrotainment Extravaganza, Idol Gives Back.

1. "For the cost of just one of Paula's therapy sessions, you could feed an entire African village for a year. Please give generously."

2. I'm not sure Simon Cowell is the right guy to be playing on our sympathies, or to be trying to imply that there's an unfair distribution of wealth in this country. He drives a million dollar Bugatti Veyron for Christ's sake. That's not luxury -- that's gross excess.

3. I'll bet everytime Randy says, "Yo Dog!" these kids go "where?!" and start looking in every direction for something they can kill and eat.

4. Hmm -- just a little bitchy. (Said after Teri Hatcher finished her ill-advised musical number.)

5. I didn't recognize Vanessa Hudgens with something covering her pubic hair. Oh, and there's gonna be a High School Musical 3? Just fucking kill me already.

6. Hi, I'm Reese Witherspoon, and I care about negroes. Now, does anyone have any anti-bacterial gel? (Said by Jayne, completely deadpan.)

7. God, I miss Kelly Clarkson.

8. On welfare. (Said after Mylie Cyrus asked one of the Appalachian kids, "What do you want to be when you grow up?")

9. Do you think the Jonas Brothers raped David Archuleta backstage?

10. Fuck, you realize that the Archuleta kid's gonna win, right? An army of text-happy tweens will ensure it and the neutered Disneyfication of American entertainment will be complete. Somebody please plunge the Seven Daggers of Meggido into him before it's too late for all of us.

11. Now that's the first honest thing I've heard all night. (Said immediately after Rob Schneider asked America to send him money.)

12. This is great, we complain about the spread of AIDS in Africa and what do we send them? Paris Hilton.

13. Well, at least now Sacha Baron Cohen finally has someone he can sue. So this is what happened to Yakov Smirnoff's act. (Said during Robin Williams's excruciating appearance as the alleged "Russian Idol.")

14. Tito, get me a tissue.

15. So Billy Ray Cyrus is from Appalachian Kentucky, making him and his retarded daughter the real-life Beverly Hillbillies. You know, for the cost of just one of Billy Ray's straightened highlights, a family of ten in his hometown could visit Graceland for a month.

16. If they just shipped some of the Appalachian folk down to New Orleans they could solve everybody's problems: The rednecks would have a place to live and New Orleans would be completely repopulated within six months.

17. Oh, Ann Wilson is so pissed right now. She's totally gonna eat Fergie. (Said as Fergie sexed-up Heart's Barracuda, sounding about as good as Ann does and looking better than Ann did 30 years and 300 pounds ago.)

18. You know where else you can get a five dollar foot-long? From those transvestite prostitutes on 13th Street. (Said by Jayne during a Subway commercial)

19. Holy shit, Daughtry in fucking Africa? This is the first time Chris Daughtry's seen black people who weren't at the end of a baseball bat. It's seriously a testament to the good-natured hospitality of the African people that they're going along with this. "Good people of Uganda, see, it could be worse. You could live in a place where the music sucks."

20. Shout to the Lord? This is how they end it -- with "Songs of Worship?" No, really -- SHOUT TO THE FUCKING LORD?

21. Do you think they'd give me back my two-and-a-half hours?