Fool's Gold

25 Completely Random Comments My Wife and I Made to Each Other while Watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

1. "Who turned Spike Lee into a Muppet?"

2. "Jessica Biel's twenty-four -- she can totally pull off the nipple thing."

3. "What the hell did Penelope Cruz just say?"

4. "Oh look, Santa left a dead girl under the tree." (Upon seeing Nicole Kidman)

5. "I can't believe that Velvet Jones here goes down on Portia De Rossi every night."

6. "I wonder if they'll make Adriana Barraza stay and clean the place after everyone leaves."

7. "Didn't anybody good die last year?"

8. "Hi, I'm Cameron Diaz -- and I'm walking funny because I totally had to do anal with Djimon Hounsou to get a ticket here tonight."

9. "Do you wonder if Middle-America suddenly feels a solidarity with Hollywood now that it's being taken over by foreigners? 'There ain't no way we're gonna let a bunch a' them Mexkins come in here and start thinkin' they can make better movies than Sofia Coppola! Not on my watch!'"

10. "What'd I miss? Did L.A. mercifully sink into the ocean while I was peeing?"

11. "No, seriously -- what the hell is Penelope Cruz saying?"

12. "Academy-Award-Winner Reese Witherspoon (pause, then uncontrollable laughter)."

13. "Hey look, it's the other girl from Dreamgirls."

14. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" (Upon scanning the dial during a commercial and coming across a hysterically alarmist bit of Fox News Channel counter-programming called Reel Politics: If Hollywood Ran America.)

15. "Ah yes, this is sure to liven things up -- James Taylor and Randy Newman."

16. "He loves San Dimas!" (While watching Clint Eastwood translate for Ennio Morricone)

17. "Is Alan Arkin high?"

18. "I get the feeling that Travolta's spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to curl his penis under and screw his own ass. He's just got that look."

19. "I'd like to thank God, for crushing the dreams of those four other women and pushing them further toward prescription painkiller abuse."

20. "George Miller? Is that the same George Miller who directed Mad Max and the Road Warrior? Damn -- if I had known that Happy Feet could end with a bunch of penguins being dragged through the dirt by Wez and the Toe-cutter I might've bothered to see it."

21. "I've gotta throw up." (I was sick to my stomach all night -- a problem no doubt exacerbated by the Oscars.)

22. "Hi, I'm Tom Cruise -- remember me?"

23. "What, did Jay-Z not make it through the metal detector?"

24. "We've come this far -- we may as well stay up for the rest of it."

25. "At least Renee Zellweger wasn't there."