There's Always Room for One More

I was once fired by CNN for blogging. Just keep that in mind as you read this.

Gawker: Extorting David Letterman Not Enough To Keep Guy Out of a TV Job/12.29.11

The only way this story is surprising to you is if you've never worked in TV news and understand nothing about what a cesspool of drunken, drug-addicted, mentally unstable amorality it is. It's the Island of Fucked-Up Toys.

So, to recap: Joe Halderman, who went to prison for trying to blackmail one of the most famous people in television, has a TV job again (ID Discovery). Larry Mendte, who confessed to having an affair with his co-anchor then pleaded guilty to federal charges of rifling through her e-mail, has a TV job again (WPIX in New York City). Alycia Lane, that co-anchor, who was once arrested for allegedly slugging an NYPD cop, still has a TV job (KNBC in Los Angeles). Richard Quest, who was arrested in Central Park with a dildo in his shoe, rope tied around his balls and meth in his pocket, never lost his job and is still employed by CNN.

I blogged. And I guarantee you I'm still radioactive and will be for the foreseeable future.

God, I love that fucking insane business.

Turd Luckin'

I unofficially suspended the out-and-out mockery yesterday in honor of Thanksgiving, but when this little item showed up in my e-mail it left me feeling like Chandler in the episode of Friends where they bet him he couldn't go a week without making fun of anyone. (For those who don't remember, it's the same episode where Ross decides to try wearing leather pants and Chandler, disarmed, is left to point and shout to everyone, "Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants?! Someone comment on the pants!")

Basically HuffPo asked a bunch of TV news "personalities" what they're thankful for this holiday season and while the responses weren't anything all that interesting -- they ran from the predictably self-congratulatory to the most likely to make the person answering appear capable of at least some human emotion -- the potential for entertainment was undeniable. You knew that, had they answered honestly, half these people would've produced comedy gold.

From those I happen to really like, including my friend Ali Velshi and recently minted mom Kyra Phillips (who seems to have chosen the names for her and John Roberts's new twins from among the colors available for the 2012 Range Rover), to Al Sharpton and Erin Burnett (both of whom could've been sodium pentothaled into some of the best honest answers ever), it's a who's-who of your favorite and least favorite talking heads. I mean, let's face it -- Sharpton has to be the most thankful person currently sucking down oxygen, since he owes his entire television hosting career to Phil Griffin's apparent stroke or at the very least a little-known caveat in the MSNBC handbook allowing even those who can't read or speak English to be given shows on the network; Burnett is, well, she isn't thankful for shit because she earned those diamonds, dammit. Then there's Chuck Todd, who's thankful Buffalo Bob Smith finally took his hand out of his ass and let him talk on his own; Ed Schultz, who's thankful that there's no rule at NBC that Gene Shalit has to be the most annoying person on-air during any one period of time; and CNN's Rob Marciano, who's thankful that he's great-looking, which tends to distract from the fact that the puppy he's holding in his picture is probably smarter than he is.

I, meanwhile, am just thankful that they posted a picture of Brooke Baldwin from the waist up.

The Huffington Post: What Media Personalities are Thankful For/1.24.11