Space Cadets

This firsthand account of the "work" of Scientologists (you know, the only people who can help during a disaster?) on the ground in Haiti is laugh-out-loud funny, really sad, and not the least bit surprising.

Gawker: Scientologists in Haiti/2.2.10

Space Odyssey

I can already picture it:

Travolta: So, have you read Dianetics? I really think it could help you right now -- I mean, once you get on the bridge, get control of the reactive mind and purge all your engrams and body thetans, it could be total KSW for you. We're talking clear exteriorization here. If you'll just let me put my ethics in you -- here, hold on, I brought an e-meter with me, I'll give you a quick audit -- man, this is gonna be great. You know, I think we can implement LRH study-tech all throughout this village and put you guys on a purification rundown. Let me get a few of the OTs from the orgs over here -- they'll give you a massage and some niacin and warn you about the evils of psychiatry.

Haitian Man (in Creole): What the fuck are you talking about? I'M TRAPPED UNDER A BUILDING! My family's dead! I haven't eaten or drunk more than a couple of drops of water in days! Hey, those two tin cans you're holding with the wires attached to them -- any food in those, you lunatic asshole? Yeah, thanks for the book -- maybe I'll eat that.

Travolta: Oh, shit. SP! SP! We got an SP here!

Haitian Man: Prick. The least you could do is dress my gaping leg wound with one of those Jets AFC Champions t-shirts over there. And by the way, I thought you sucked in Valkyrie.

USA Today: Travolta Flies Supplies, Scientologists to Haiti/1.26.10

Overemotional Rescue

Alright, sure I'm probably gonna catch hell, but I can't be the only one who feels this way: How painful was that "Hope for Haiti Now" telethon last night?

Jesus -- the pretentious melodrama, the obvious celebrity self-satisfaction, the ironically bombastic solemnity; the whole thing played out like a South Park parody. Kid Rock? He gives a crap about Haiti? I'm not sure he could find the place on a map. Madonna? Really? Can't she just adopt all those kids Anderson Cooper is apparently single-handedly saving? Justin Timberlake doing Hallelujah? And of course, Wyclef Jean's insufferable preening. The only thing missing was Kanye interrupting everything so he could break down crying.

By the time the thing was over I wanted to know if there was a number I could text to get my donation back.

Look, I'm obviously not going to slam the cause and the end certainly justifies the means -- if it raised money for the people of Haiti, then it was inarguably a good thing -- but why did the whole show feel like it was mostly an excuse for a lot of the celebrities taking part in it to prove they had souls?

Go ahead. You can start bitching me out now.

Quote of the Day

"I have a pretty thick skin and I've seen a lot of stuff and I can ignore a lot of stuff but when we were sitting there this morning and just watching that woman wail, there is nobody for her. Her husband is just trying to hold her down on a mattress in a field, just from going insane from her loss. That kind of loss is horrific in any culture, but in a culture where you're utterly... (chokes up) ...where you're alone, it just makes it all the more difficult."

-- Fox News reporter Steve Harrigan in Port-au-Prince, Haiti

While it's true that some news organizations still find excuses to crank up the melodrama where it's anything but necessary, and others can't resist occasionally politicizing a human catastrophe of indescribable proportions, on the whole the live TV news coverage of the Haiti quake aftermath has been very, very good. The correspondents and producers on the ground have almost uniformly done exemplary work.

Bonus Quote of the Day

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

-- Oh, just guess