Sunday Sacrilege

With the Occupy Wall Street protests spreading globally, the economy seeming to sink further and further into the toilet, and the Cavalcade of Clowns running for the GOP nomination currently taking up a lot of airtime and copy-space, you might not have remembered that the world's going to end in five days anyway.

Don't worry -- Pastor Harold Camping and his increasingly disillusioned flock haven't forgotten.

Beliefnet: Pastor Harold Camping Says The Rapture Begins October 21st/10.6.11

Quote of the Day

"We were convinced that on May 21, God would return in a very physical way by bringing in an earthquake and ushering the final five months of judgement. When we look at it spiritually, we find that he did come... We have not made a mistake insofar as the timeline (and so) we're not going to pass out any more tracts. We're not going to put up any more billboards —- in fact they're coming down right now... The world has been warned. The world is under judgment... We're just learning we have to look at all of this more spiritual. But it won't be spiritual on October 21."

-- Pastor Harold Camping, rescheduling Judgment Day for October 21st

Hey, why not? I really enjoyed the last one.

Quote of the (Last) Day

"My mom has told me directly that I’m not going to get into heaven. At first it was really upsetting, but it’s what she honestly believes."

-- 16-year-old Grace Haddad, whose parents stopped saving for her college fund three years ago in anticipation of Judgment Day, which begins less than eight hours from now

By the way, anybody wanna fuck me?

What have you really got to lose at this point?

Countdown To Rapture: 1 Day

So, the clock has just about wound down.

By this time tomorrow, a good portion of the world will already be in flames, the Lord moving over the face of the Earth one hour at a time (because apparently he pays attention to man-made constructs like time zones).

For those keeping track, by about 4AM EST, Sydney, Australia will already be reduced to ruin -- even more so than when Oprah unleashed the awesome might of her personal zombie apocalypse there a few months back. From there, it's all downhill for the rest of us.

I don't know what to tell anyone at this point. Be with your families; I know I will. Pray for redemption and deliverance. Throw yourself on the mercy of God -- you know, the same merciful, loving God who's about to crush mankind like a bug.

Jesus returns tomorrow, everyone! Today really is the last day of the rest of your life.

By the way, if you're looking for a way to kill a few hours while you wait for your time zone to get hit, might I suggest gathering the wife and kids around the old Philco and watching this a few times:



(Clip h/t Christian Nightmares)

Countdown To Rapture: 2 Days

Another friendly reminder to be outside and packed at 6PM on Saturday -- just two days from now. Of course, I say this as if anyone who reads this site stands even the slightest chance of being whisked away to heaven during the coming Rapture.

Still, if you happen to think you're worthy enough -- like maybe if you read DXM only to prove to yourself how depraved and deserving of God's wrath society has become -- you'll want to make sure you're in a wide open space as the Rapture begins, since you don't want to smash your head against the ceiling on your way up. A good rule of thumb: Definitely don't be on the bottom floor of a skyscraper; that'll hurt like hell. Get it? Hell? Just a little more Judgment Day humor for you there.

As for the rest of us -- get ready to party like you've got nothing to lose. Because you won't have anything to lose.

By the way, does anybody know what Mike Huckabee's schedule looks like for next week? I'll bet it's full -- and as far as I know he's a firm believer in the coming End Times. Could it be that he doesn't think his life as he knows it will end on Saturday?

Nah, can't be.

See you all in hell, everyone.

Countdown To Rapture: 3 Days

Still another friendly reminder that if you're planning on taking that girl or guy you've had your eye on out to dinner or something, best to make plans for Friday -- seeing as how Saturday we'll all be reduced to scorching hot embers.

Just three more days until the Rapture.

The good news: at least the evangelicals will all be gone.

The bad news: Bernard-Henri Lévy will still be here.

Adding: This guy:

Countdown To Rapture: 4 Days

Yet another friendly reminder that you only have four days to live.

Well, not really to live, since there will still be 153 days of torment following this Saturday -- the date of the Rapture -- but you get the idea.

I'd say that by now you should have made out your last will and testament, but let's face it -- it isn't going to do anyone any good since there won't be anything on Earth to leave behind for those not immediately ushered off to heaven. I mean, besides you. (Get it? "Left behind?" A little Armageddon humor for you there.)

Worth mentioning, though, is that a lot of people are planning post-Rapture parties, which if nothing else should be hedonistic bashes of heretofore unseen debauchery since, really, what has anyone got to lose anymore after the quakes strike at 6pm on May 21st? Check Facebook for details. Oh, and speaking of the exact time of the end, remember to pay close attention to CNN -- or, actually, Fox, now that I think about it, seeing as how it's always the Apocalypse on that network and they're the most self-righteous anyway -- all day Saturday to watch as God's wrath moves across the face of the Earth, beginning in New Zealand. (So long, Kiwis!)

All in all, you may as well come to terms with what's about to happen. Don't fight it -- just have fun. And here's a little something to get you in the mood for eternal damnation -- compliments of the Oak Ridge Boys.



(Video h/t Christian Nightmares & The Daily Swarm)

Countdown To Rapture: 5 Days

Another friendly reminder that we're just five days away from the beginning of the end: the Rapture.

By now you should have taken a tour of your neighborhood and determined which local business-owners are most likely to be whisked away to the right hand of God, leaving their inventory free for the taking. An important rule of thumb: Get nowhere near any stores run by those left behind; the proprietors were evil to begin with and once the world opens up and starts swallowing sinners, you don't think they'll be even more likely to shoot you in the face for no reason at all? Also, if you have hurricane shutters, go ahead and test them now. They won't really help against tornadoes made of hell-fire, but it's better than nothing.

Anybody rent a keg for the weekend? The good news is you won't have to return it.

Oh, by the way, in real-world Armageddon news -- America officially hits the debt ceiling today. That sound you hear is half the Republican party chanting, "Burn, baby, burn!"

Quote of the Day/Sunday Sacrilege/Countdown to Rapture: 6 Days

"God has given sooo much information in the Bible about this, and so many proofs, and so many signs, that we know it is absolutely going to happen without any question at all. There’s nothing in the Bible that God has ever prophesied — there’s many things that he prophesied would happen and they always have happened — but there’s nothing in the Bible that holds a candle to the amount of information to this tremendous truth of the end of the world. I would be absolutely in rebellion against God if I thought anything other than it is absolutely going to happen without any question."

-- Pastor Harold Camping, who started this whole thing about Judgment Day happening on May 21st of this year

So there you have it.

Enjoy your Sunday Times, Charles Osgood and This American Life, infidels. It's the last time you'll get to.

As for me, I plan to spend today sending pictures of my penis to every woman between the ages of 25 and 45 on my phone's contact list. I mean, what have I got to lose at this point? Come next Saturday I'm gonna be a charcoal briquette.

Countdown To Rapture: 7 Days

Seven days. Just seven days left until the Rapture begins.

My friend Gina Sirico took this picture yesterday in New York City (what?); specifically in Times Square (oh).

Get ready for the last week of the rest of your life, heathens.

Countdown To Rapture: 8 Days

Just another friendly reminder that we're now only eight days away from the Rapture -- the beginning of the end, so to speak.

Since Blogger is apparently kicking off the wind-down a little early and ate yesterday's post, I figured I'd once again warn everyone reading this site (a bunch of godless heathens, the lot of you) where you should be on your official Pre-Rapture Checklist.

By now it's important that you've contacted your grandparents, since they likely come from a more religiously inclined era and will probably be the first ones sucked up when the sky turns all blood red. If you seem sincere enough in your concern for their well being, you may even earn yourself a last minute ticket north -- but don't count on it, sinner.

Also, make sure your home (survival bunker if you happen to have one) is stocked with plenty of antibacterial ointment, cream or spray; you'll need something to ensure that your wounds don't become infected after your skin is flayed from your body over and over again by grotesque winged serpents and your sphincter is shredded by white-hot Satan cock. I recommend Bactine.

Remember, kids, preparedness is next to godliness.

Ha! No it isn't -- not this time, demon meat.

Countdown To Rapture: 10 Days

A reminder that there are now only ten days left until the Rapture.

Today Votar and I would like to announce to believers that -- since you're not going to be here after May 21st and won't be needing your money anymore anyway -- we're opening the official Post-Rapture Satanic One-World Bank and Trust.

We'll be happy to take that life savings you've accumulated throughout the years and keep it safe for you during the 153 days of upheaval and torment the Earth will endure in your absence. No Mark of the Beast bar code required -- simply transfer your cash and holdings from the bank at your local Wal-Mart into the Paypal account in the right-hand sidebar of this screen, where it says "Donate."

All deposits are non-refundable. But then, you won't be needing a refund, will you?

Quote of the (End of ) Day(s)

"I've crunched the numbers, and it's going to happen."

-- 33-year-old Brian Haubert, who believes that a coded message in the Bible proves the world will end on May 21st

I have no idea how I managed to avoid bringing this up until now.

This whole time I've been going about my business, futilely reveling in the big DXM Fifth Birthday Jubilee -- thrilled that this site will officially celebrate year five on May 30th -- and holy shit, we're all gonna die!

Thus begins the official DEUS EX MALCONTENT COUNTDOWN TO THE RAPTURE.

In all seriousness, I listened to the report below over the weekend. Yeah, it's easy for me to poke fun at these dingbats, particularly people like Brian who actually attempt to apply real-world logic and reason -- "number crunching" -- to ancient superstition. But to be very honest there's nothing funny about the couple that's planned it so that by May 21st they've spent every last dime they have, since, well, who's gonna need money after the apocalypse?

You know who? Their infant daughter who's apparently now going to die one way or the other -- either at the hand of the Almighty or from starvation.

See, this is why I despise religion.

Oh well, at least I'll have Inara with me at the end.

Good luck, everyone.

NPR: Is the End Nigh? We'll Know Soon Enough/5.7.11