Quote of the Day

"I can see how the lettering is offensive. They could have made the statement of 'Fry Rice' without changing the lettering. That obviously made all the difference. I don't think it was racist, just borne out of ignorance. They clearly don't know why many Asians might find it offensive. It's a good opportunity now for them to learn. It's hard to comprehend what you don't know, and clearly the editors of the newspaper have no idea what many Asians experienced and experience in terms of racial prejudice."

-- Huffington Post commenter "Kacey" on the controversy over a poster printed by a Vermont newspaper supporting a local basketball team whose opponent was Rice High School

The poster read "Fry Rice" in the standard "Chinese calligraphy" font. You can see it for yourself above.

I love this comment because it's all there: the concerned suggestion of alternate routes that somehow might've been less offensive, as if there's anything you can say these days that won't offend someone; the call for this to be a teaching moment about tolerance; the insinuation that white, or some other kind of majority, privilege is to blame for this supposed ignorance. It's all so, so -- utterly fucking joyless.

You know, the theory of Dunbar's Number -- what David Wong of Cracked humorously calls "the Monkeysphere" -- dictates that a human being can really only care about 150 other people, maximum. That after that it becomes a zero-sum prospect where in order to bring new people into your sphere of concern you have to turn a certain number of people out. I swear, these days my circle is down to about twenty people. I care about them very much and would fight to the death for them. Everyone else I just don't give a shit about. You're the victim of ignorance or injustice? Sorry, life sucks. Thankfully, while my circle may be closing in an effort to keep out the stupid, the circles of others, thanks to the various media that connect us all, are rapidly expanding. There's always somebody willing to endlessly fret over your plight. Which is good because it means I don't have to.

Misanthropy. It's the new black.

Quote(s) of the Day

"The Coke commercial for the Super Ball is racist, portraying Arabs as backward and foolish Camel Jockeys, and they have no chance to win in the world."

"What message is Coke sending with this? By not including the Arab in the race, it is clear that the Arab is held to a different standard when compared to the other characters in the commercial."

-- Imam Ali Siddiqui, president of the Muslim Institute for Interfaith Studies, and Abed Ayoub of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, respectively, calling Coke's new Super Bowl ad racist and demanding that it be changed before it airs during the game this Sunday

I was just about to present this without comment, because, like the "controversy" over the Jamaican White Guy Volkswagen ad, it's just that absurd. But I think it's worth making it clear that I do in fact believe that no group of people is above any other group of people -- regardless of race, religion or ethnicity -- and will therefore treat the Arab-American organizations taking offense to this ad exactly the way I'd treat anyone else demanding satisfaction over something so silly and inconsequential: by saying, for God's sake, sit down and shut up before you make yourself look any more ridiculous. It's a fucking commercial -- save the indignation for something that actually matters. It's not like there aren't enough real problems out there for Arab-Americans to contend with on a daily basis.

Irie-tated

From the "Political Correctness Is Awesome" file, here comes the latest example of people losing their shit over something that pretty much nobody should be losing their shit over.

First, take a look at this:



I know what you're thinking right now: "Those racists at Volkswagen! How dare they! A white guy doing a Jamaican accent for a Super Bowl ad -- unacceptable! I'm so offended that I'm taking to the streets in protest and ceremonially setting my wife's Jetta on fire! Bow before the incredible might of my easily rattled liberal sensibilities and complete lack of anything approaching a sense of humor! AAARRGGGHHH, HULK SMASH!"

Kids, say hello to the latest ridiculous non-controversy to give the perpetually aggrieved something to bitch about.

The Huffington Post: Volkswagen Super Bowl Ad Accused of Being Racist/1.29.13

Dear God are we a stupid, stupid country.

Pinky Swear

Today's piece for the Daily Banter takes a look at the latest cause for outrage among those who freak out every time somebody says something offensive, particularly those among that group looking to score political points.

Here's the opening shot:

"So you’re never going to believe this, but Jason Biggs, the kid who made himself famous by pretending to fuck a pie, apparently has a really crude sense of humor and a filthy mouth to go with it. In case you haven’t yet seen the mushroom cloud off in the distance to your right or felt the shockwave of indignation, let me help you out: The usual suspects among the conservative media are losing their minds over a couple of really crass comments Biggs made about Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, and Paul Ryan’s wife, Janna, during last week’s Republican National Convention. The offending cracks were offered via Twitter, as has become tradition in our culture, and were as follows..."

Read the Rest Here

Tweet of the Day

This is another one of those subjects that it would be a waste for me to pontificate on in too much detail because I've done it so many times before. Yeah, Daniel Tosh made a joke about rape at a comedy club then made another rape crack at a woman in the audience who took offense and heckled him for it -- so what? Love him or hate him, Tosh is a comic whose material is readily available to anyone going to see him live, given that his show is the most popular thing on Comedy Central at the moment, five times over. You know what you're getting yourself into by sitting in the crowd at one of his shows; you know the kind of humor you'll be subjected to, and in the end that's all it is: humor. He's a fucking comic. Don't think he's funny? His kind of comedy not your particular brand of vodka? Leave. Don't watch, don't listen.

Enough with the fucking offense at anything anyone says that you don't like. Enough with the horseshit indignation spread like wildfire through social networking to millions who weren't privy to the actual comment -- its extended context and the setting in which it was offered -- so that everyone can join in your personal pissy-party pile-on. Comedy is entirely subjective and I don't want to live in a country where someone, anyone tells me what I should and shouldn't think is funny.

I've said it before but it bears repeating: Comics stand as the vanguard of our right to free speech -- the canary in the coal mine, so to speak. They're the ones we count on to be able to push the envelope, challenge our sensibilities, even offend us occasionally because it's necessary for us as a culture. The world would be a much more tedious place without comedians willing to truly put themselves out there and take risks -- to make fun of the sacrosanct and vilify the revered if necessary -- and their ability to do that should be protected at all costs. Making them grovel before the altar of political correctness, in the end, damages all of us.

It doesn't matter whether you think what Tosh said was funny or not; he should be able to say it and not have to worry about the effects of a nationwide public backlash.

To everyone who's pissed about Tosh's rape crack: You got an apology from him -- and it's quite frankly more than you deserved.

Proud Bury

I'm convinced that the title of Stephen Colbert's book, I am America (and So Can You!), is a subtle knock at Lee Greenwood's dumb-shit NASCAR national anthem, God Bless the U.S.A. -- the chorus of which is a hilarious butchery of basic grammar: "And I'm proud to be an American -- where at least I know I'm free."

Still, there's a debate raging over this ridiculous song -- in Brooklyn?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fox News's latest entirely made-up "national controversy" -- the War on Lee Greenwood.

News Hounds: Fox News Advances Lie About "Student Rally" in Response to Principal Removing Greenwood Song from Graduation/6.21.12

Cesca writes about this kind of thing all the time: Fox's propensity for aiming its considerable firepower at "non-combatants" -- like school principals.

Personally I think that the song should be banned from a kindergarten graduation ceremony because, again, it murders the English language. But if Fox News does actually exert enough pressure to get it put back in, might I recommend using it as a kind of test. Any kid who doesn't sing the chorus and immediately turn to a teacher and say, "That doesn't make sense" -- that kid gets held back a year.

The Straight Dope

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but Brett Ratner has said something unbelievable crass and juvenile. That's not a shock -- that's Monday. And stop me if you've heard this before, but GLAAD is "demanding action" because somebody famous publicly uttered the word "fag." Put these two things together and you have yourself the beginnings of an honest-to-God Voltron of American pop culture stupid.

Apparently when asked whether he rehearses with his actors before shooting a scene, Ratner told the crowd at a screening of his shitty new movie Tower Heist, "Rehearsing is for fags." Keep in mind that two days before, Ratner had bragged about how he "banged" Olivia Munn back "before she was Asian." If you hadn't figured out years ago that Brett Ratner is the Tucker Max of Hollywood, only without the ability to tell a mildly engaging story, you're just not paying attention; the guy's lack of talent is matched only by the ironically massive size of his ego. He's a museum-quality artifact, a perfectly preserved specimen from that bygone era right around the mid-2000s when douchebags ruled the Earth.

Well, it almost goes without saying that the minute GLAAD got word of Ratner's comment -- which in keeping with tradition would offend anybody who lives in the civilized world and has an IQ higher than 12 -- it sprung into action, firing off an ominous tweet about how it would soon be looking for more than a simple apology from the director. Don't be surprised if the group demands that Ratner be fired as the producer of next year's Oscar telecast -- a job no one can figure out how he got in the first place.

If you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Jesus, it really sounds like he's exhausted and is just phoning this thing in," give yourself a pat on the back -- you're 100% right. The indignation industry in this country has just finally wiped me out. It always works the same way: somebody says something unbelievably dumb that offends somebody else; somebody else gets incensed and bangs his fist on the table; media goes ape-shit with phony concern; original somebody issues a half-assed apology that's probably to some extent sincere; somebody else isn't satisfied and insists that original somebody be officially sanctioned in a way that costs him or her money or popularity or a general banishment to the cultural netherworld. The thoroughly contrived controversy dies down after a bit and everybody retreats into their holes, the original somebody having learned something important which he or she will then relate to any media outlet willing to chronicle his or her redemption and the somebody else readying himself to strike out again the next time a perceived grievance presents itself (it never takes long).

We're already well into step five of the process in this particular go-round: Ratner has apologized profusely and yet Entertainment Weekly's Mark Harris says he needs to be cut loose from the Oscars as an object lesson because "you don't get a mulligan on homophobia." I hate to split hairs but Ratner wasn't being homophobic. That word implies fear. He was just being a fucking dick, which is exactly what he is. He says things like "rehearsals are for fags" because he's an overgrown frat-boy asshole, not because he's afraid of gay people.

Ratner should've been fired from the Academy Awards telecast about 30 seconds after the Oxy wore off and Tom Sherak realized who the hell he'd just offered the job to. Letting Brett Ratner produce the Oscars is like getting the Kardashians to produce the Emmys.

By the way, if you want to hold him accountable for making an admittedly offensive comment about homosexuals, keep him right where he is. Is there a more appropriate punishment for an alleged homophobe than being forced to spend an entire evening with Bruce Vilanch?

Or fire him -- whatever. I hear Paul W.S. Anderson's free that night.

Fuck I'm tired.

It's Unhappy Bunny

You know, I'd love to pay attention to Gloria Steinem bitching about the Playboy Club, still, in 2011, but unfortunately I'm busy doing macramé, playing backgammon and talking to my analyst about all the unresolved issues I harbor after that Summer of Love fling with Marshall McLuhan.

CNN: Gloria Steinem Hopes You'll Boycott The Playboy Club/8.10.11

Trust me, Gloria, you don't even need to bother with this weird little acid flashback. This is an NBC show we're talking about -- when it comes to getting people to not watch, that's better than any boycott.

Talking Dirty

I hate to return after an extended absence only to revisit the topic I was kind of harping on when I left, but Salon has a terrific interview with comic and actor-director Paul Provenza on the whole Tracy Morgan thing -- namely, why some jokes are singled out as intolerably offensive while others are just shrugged off.

It's definitely worth your time.

Salon: America's Misguided War on Offensive Humor/7.12.11

30 Mock

We could do this all day every day.

The Root: Tracy Morgan Under Fire Again for Comments About Mentally Disabled/6.29.11

Ten bucks says he doesn't apologize this time, which will start a big unnecessary debate about what you can and can't get away with saying -- who you're allowed to offend in our culture and who you're not. Which is part of the point I made about stand-up comics at the very beginning of the last go-round.

Tracy Words

It's rare that I do this, but I wanted to take a minute to clarify my opinion with regard to Tracy Morgan's recent "anti-gay" comments and the reaction to them. I'm not doing it as a means of backtracking on anything -- I stand firmly behind what I posted yesterday -- but rather because I think that every facet of this ugly miasma has a certain amount of importance and therefore deserves as much thoughtful consideration as possible. Obviously, what Morgan said was pretty vicious and I see how it could be interpreted as cruelly homophobic to the point of earning him a rebuke, or at the very least a conversation that begins with the words, "Dude, did you really mean that stuff?"

Where the angry hordes who've chosen to take up Morgan's statements as a cause lose me, though, is when they demand something more than simply the apology that they've already gotten. I get that forcing someone to say that he's sorry should immediately make the sincerity of that apology suspect, which is why I've never understood why people instinctively make that demand in the first place. But if you receive a very public mea culpa, doesn't that accomplish the goal you're supposedly aiming for, namely to show the world that the offense had a far-reaching negative impact even if there wasn't one intended?

Tracy Morgan made a comment within the context of his stand-up routine and in front of an audience which paid to see him that at least one guy in the crowd was appalled by; my position remains that Morgan is a crazy person and that everyone in the crowd should have understood going into it what they were in for, but this guy decided to take the joke far beyond the confines of the comedy setting for which it was specifically intended. He was offended, and so he told the world about it -- and a bunch of other people who were never supposed to be exposed to the joke in the first place suddenly got to not only hear it but to react indignantly to it, as if Tracy Morgan had come to each of their homes and insulted them personally.

And so now you have groups like PFLAG, concerned celebrities like Nia Vardalos, and average armchair pundits chiming in to demand that Tracy Morgan be made an example of as an object lesson to the rest of society. Because that's really what this is all about: It's not about forcing Morgan to understand that what he said was hurtful and crossed some line in the sand; it's about teaching everyone else that crossing that very subjective line will not be tolerated and will be met with the severest possible punishment short of having you arrested. You say something we deem unacceptable, even in the context of a joke, and we'll take away your livelihood and make you the cultural pariah you deserve to be. Because intolerance will not be tolerated. The desired outcome is nothing less than a chilling effect on what you say and how you say it.

Sorry, but that shouldn't stand.

Tracy Morgan wasn't attacking an audience member, a la Michael Richards, and he wasn't speaking as a representative of NBC or as his character on 30 Rock, so running to his "parents" and commanding them to discipline him -- demanding that NBC fire him outright -- is an abusive overreaction and a slightly underhanded move. As ridiculous as it was that Don Imus was fired by MSNBC for making an ineffectual and hilariously archaic comment about the Rutgers women's basketball team, at least that comment was made while he was on the air at MSNBC so it was within the network's purview to take action. Morgan was doing a comedy bit during his personal stand-up act; his role as an actor on an NBC show, working for a Broadway Video production, had no bearing whatsoever on it and should remain a separate matter. It's, quite frankly, not the network's business what Tracy Morgan does or doesn't do during his gigs. Likewise, there's an argument to be made that it's not really anyone's business who didn't buy a ticket to that show that night what Morgan said or didn't say.

One last thing: You've probably noticed that I tend to defend comedians pretty fiercely. There's a reason for this: they're the vanguard of our right to free speech; they're the ones we count on to be able to push the envelope, challenge our sensibilities, even offend us occasionally because it's necessary for us as a culture. More than that, the interpretation of what they do is entirely subjective, and it simply isn't your right to tell me what is or isn't funny -- just like it isn't my right to tell you or anyone else what's funny. The world would be a much more tedious place without comics willing to truly put themselves out there and take risks -- to make fun of the sacrosanct and vilify the revered if necessary -- and their ability to do that should be protected at all costs. Making them grovel before the altar of political correctness, in the end, damages all of us.

(Painfully Dumb) Quote of the Day

"Tracy Morgan joked about deadly violence against LGBT youth. He should be fired... In a year when we have experienced horrible suicides of LGBT youth which sparked a national movement called 'It Get's Better' (sic) to not fire Tracy Morgan sends exactly the wrong message at the wrong time. To advocate violence against anyone is disgusting, but against our most vulnerable youth -- it crosses the line."

-- Huffington Post "Senior Religion Editor" Paul Brandeis Raushenbush in a piece called, cleverly, "Tracy Morgan Should Be Fired"

I swear, this wasn't even worth putting up as a Quote of the Day without qualifying it; I wouldn't want anyone to think even for a second that what they were about to read wasn't just stupid beyond rational comprehension.

Yes, Tracy Morgan made a really crude crack about how he'd "stab that little nigger" if his son ever came to him and said he was gay. He's a comic, and a notoriously filthy loose cannon of a comic; to take anything he says seriously and, what's more, to regard it as an actual threat against either gay people or children is just ludicrous. To prove his point that Morgan's routine (and that's what it was, a stand-up routine) is so unacceptable to polite society (which, as a comic, Morgan kind of chooses to shrug off anyway) that he deserves to be punished by his bosses at NBC for it, Raushenbush cites as examples those who've pissed off the hyper-sensitive masses before him and have had to pay the price for their willingness to say something someone may not like. Those examples: Michael Richards, Mel Gibson and Dr. Laura. Richards and Gibson weren't, of course, on the air or promoting a movie at the time of their respective rants, but Raushenbush maintains that both would have earned being tossed out on their asses in some form or another had they been and, of course, Dr. Laura was forced to quit.

The thing is, no, neither Richards nor Gibson deserved to be judged by any authority higher than the general public -- which they were -- and Dr. Laura, as much as I detest her, shouldn't have been pushed out of her job by management either because, while she wasn't trying to be funny, she was being paid to essentially push people's buttons and to speak her mind (what little there is).

It's only contrived controversies created by sanctimonious, professionally aggrieved knee-jerks like Raushenbush that lead to draconian overreaction and will eventually, if they're successful, create a nation in which everyone constantly watches what they say and nobody is willing to push the boundaries of taste and decency for fear of losing their living. The hysterically ironic thing about tolerance in this country is that those who claim to be constantly fighting for it often do so by trying to silence anyone they personally deem intolerant.

Morgan didn't make his comment live on national television, or standing on a street corner in view of kids, or at a state fair -- he made the crack at a comedy show, in front of a group of people who had paid to hear him and ostensibly knew exactly what they were in for (and if they didn't, they deserved to have their sensibilities assaulted for being so damn clueless). Tracy Morgan isn't the lovable doof he plays on 30 Rock; he's raunchy, rude and politically incorrect as hell and -- guess what? -- he's absolutely entitled to be all of the above without having to worry about whether something he says in a comedy club is going to get him fired from his day job. He's not trying to be anybody's role model; he's a fucking comic.

By the way, from a practical perspective, Paul, if you think fourth-rated NBC is gonna fire a marquee star from one of its biggest hits for any reason short of shooting a Comcast executive in the face, you're delusional. Then again, your whole piece -- which also absurdly questions whether there's some kind of anti-gay agenda behind the scenes at SNL -- is so relentlessly dumb that it actually hurts my brain to read it. I'd never push to have you fired just because, God forbid, you offend me but, ugh, just -- stop writing -- please.

I've discussed this particular subject -- our rush to be offended and the reaction some have to not simply request but demand satisfaction in the wake of a perceived offense -- so often throughout the history of this site that I figured I'd bring back just a few quick blurbs from previous related pieces:

From "Battle: UCLA" (Originally Published, 3.15.11)

A girl named Alexandra Wallace was apparently so miffed at the fact that UCLA is overflowing with Asian students and their idiosyncrasies that she -- wait for it -- took to the internet to bitch about it. Her three-minute tirade is mildly offensive to say nothing of unbelievably dumb, but it's not like she's the Secretary of State and it's not like she set a Korean grocer on fire or something. She's a stupid kid whose shitty judgment should preclude her from graduating college long before her skewed belief system does.

But needless to say, there are already those out there demanding that she be expelled. Not because she's an idiot, but because she said something that offended them...

So should Alexandra Wallace be punished in some way for bitching about her experiences with Asian students? No, actually. She's entitled to believe what she believes and to voice those beliefs.

Just like all the Asian and Asian-American kids who'll make response videos mercilessly mocking stupid, overly bubbly California bleach-blonds with big boobs will be entitled to that.

From "Ruffled Feathers" (Originally Published, 3.14.11)

Aflac hired one of the most gleefully loutish and obscene comics on earth -- a guy who's made a career out of defying good taste and who'll go to any length to offend and instigate -- then suddenly grew a conscience and cut him loose only when the people he was threatening to piss off happened to be valued customers (since Aflac does a lot of business in Japan). It almost goes without saying that while it's absolutely the company's decision who it wants to be associated with, it's interesting that Aflac apparently never concerned itself with whether Gottfried's material throughout the years might be offensive to its gay, black, Hispanic -- basically anybody he's ever mercilessly ribbed at one time or another -- clientele.

Aflac should've known what it was getting into when it decided to make Gilbert Gottfried the voice of its corporate mascot -- reacting with righteous indignation now is either disingenuous or ridiculously ignorant.

By the way, Gottfried's jokes -- while tasteless -- were fucking hilarious. And that's what a good comic is supposed to do: make us laugh, even through our pain.

From "Tuesday Is Recycling Day" (Originally Published, 10.27.09)

At this rate, ESPN's going to run out of people soon.

Hot on the heels of the decision to continue on without the services of both Steve Phillips and the psychotic little troll he inexplicably chose to put his penis in, production assistant Brooke Hundley, ESPN managers have announced that they're suspending Bob Griese for a really stupid crack made on-air over the weekend. In case you haven't heard because you have, you know, a life, the former star Miami Dolphins QB was calling a college game last Saturday when, during a promo for the network's upcoming NASCAR coverage, he joked that driver Juan Pablo Montoya wouldn't be racing because he was "out having a taco."

For the record, Montoya isn't Mexican -- he's Colombian. Which means it would've made more sense to say that he'd be out because he was "getting busted for trafficking coke and killing a federal judge and his family with a MAC-10."

By that last comment, you can probably tell where I come down on this whole thing: Really, when did we become an entire nation of hyper-sensitive, well, pussies?

Within minutes of the offhand on-air gaffe, Griese apologized -- twice. As expected, these apologies sounded sincere but couldn't be, simply by virtue of the fact that they were almost certainly the product of a stern talking-to off-camera by ESPN executive producers. The question, though, is, did Griese need to apologize at all? Was what he said really all that earth-shatteringly awful? He's a sportscaster doing locker room-style banter and it was obvious he didn't mean anything hurtful by his silly little crack. But after getting Griese to essentially grovel on national television, the suits at ESPN have decided that he still hasn't been taught enough of a lesson (which of course is merely a smokescreen; the reality is that they have to prove to a handful of potential angry protesters and a few jittery sponsors that the network takes "racist" comments seriously) and so they chose to bench him.

In a terrific bit of meta-broadcasting, radio hosts Opie and Anthony picked apart this supposed scandal yesterday on their show -- and used the opportunity to expose contrition-as-theater for what it is 99% of the time. They did it by replaying their own very serious-sounding public apology for a comedy bit that got them suspended for a month back in 2007 -- a rant by an on-air regular that targeted Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush and the Queen of England, among others. What was fascinating about their dissection of the uproar over the Griese comment and their own brush with America's perpetually aggrieved usual suspects was the level of refreshing honesty on display: O & A admitted flat-out that they were forced to apologize under the threat of losing their jobs; they came right out and said that they weren't, in fact, sorry and didn't mean one fucking word of what they were told to say on-air -- what was written for them by someone else.

From "Insolent Jest" (Originally Published, 10.30.08)

By now, regular readers of this site have probably figured out that I'm not very easy to offend. Sure, ignorance and stupidity piss me off to no end, but generally the kind of thing that will cause one group of people or another to demand blood, or at the very least an immediate public apology, will barely get a reaction out of me (and if it does, that reaction will usually be to laugh my ass off not only at the offending behavior itself but at those overly sensitive enough to take it so goddamned seriously). Don't get me wrong: Despite what you read here, I don't wander through my day wondering whose buttons I can push next. I may say some pretty obnoxious things from time to time, but rarely is any of it offered with malice or the intention of riling someone up just for the fun of it. That said, I'm a very firm believer that almost anything can be a legitimate target for a little ribbing -- myself included. What makes mocking or satirizing ostensibly untouchable cultural institutions like God, the church, political figures, and even, yes, Oprah so much fun is that they are held as sacrosanct by so many -- and that makes them, in a word, oppressive. There's a visceral thrill to be had going against the grain once in a while and defying the tyranny of political correctness. But more than that, it's necessary. Unassailable ideals and social mores are dangerous, and while holding something above criticism or ridicule, no matter the context or intent, may seem like the ultimate form of respect -- in fact, it's nothing more than the product of fear or idolatry. Just ask the editors of a Danish newspaper that dared to publish comic images of the Prophet Muhammed a couple of years back.

Which brings us to Denis Leary.

...Whether or not Denis Leary hates homosexuals I can't say for sure. I do know, however, that simply using the word "fag" doesn't automatically make someone a homophobe any more than simply using the word "nigger," irrespective of context, automatically makes someone a racist. I get that it's sometimes tough to tell a person's intent simply by his or her language -- and that the knee-jerk inclination might be to make broadstroke declarations banning anything that anyone may find offensive -- but that's when it's best to consider the source. Denis Leary, once again, is a comedian. He's made an entire career out of being an asshole; he even recorded a song in the early 90s proclaiming as much. Only a moron -- or, more likely, someone looking for something to be pissed about -- would pick up a book written by Leary and expect not to have his or her magnanimity challenged. Leary's stuff isn't designed to be everyone's cup of tea, but neither is it supposed to change the world. If you really think a book called Why We Suck should be filed under the self-help section at the bookstore, you need to have your head examined. It's meant to be funny. It's a fucking joke.

From "Occupational Hazard" (Originally Published, 1.10.08)

In case you haven't heard, The Golf Channel (Motto: "You're Fucking Kidding, Right? THE GOLF CHANNEL?") announced last night that it's suspending its lead anchor, Kelly Tilghman, for two weeks. The punishment comes in the wake of an offhand comment Tilghman made on the air last Friday night while casually bantering with analyst Nick Faldo. The two were talking about how Tiger Woods must seem unbeatable to young players on the circuit; Faldo joked that nothing could stop Tiger short of up-and-coming golfers physically "ganging up on him," at which point Tilghman chuckled "lynch him in the back alley."

I have no doubt that the second Kelly Tilghman said this, she regretted it and wished she could get a Mulligan -- mostly because she in no way meant it to sound the way she realized it could be taken (and of course has been taken by at least one demagogic jackass whom I'll get to in a minute).

The management of The Golf Channel, in justifying its reprimand called Tilghman's words "hurtful and grossly inappropriate."

Except that, once again -- she didn't fucking mean anything by it. It was a thoroughly innocuous comment made sinister only by the intractably cursed connotation we've bestowed upon a single word. Not that a person's true intentions are ever allowed to be taken into account in cases like these, but how insane is it that Kelly Tilghman is now having to apologize up and down -- she's forced to publicly prostrate herself at the feet of the aggrieved few who should have no say whatsoever in this matter anyway -- all because she accidentally blurted out some supposed linguistic pariah?

Turns out Tilghman is good friends with Tiger Woods and has been for some time. She apologized to him -- and guess how he responded?

The way you'd expect someone with Tiger's grace, class and good goddamned sense to respond. (Note: How funny is this line now?)

His spokesperson said this:

"Tiger has a great deal of respect for Kelly. Regardless of the choice of words used we know unequivocally that there was no ill-intent in her comments. This story is a non-issue in our eyes."

Needless to say, the fact that the only person who has a right to feel insulted by any of this doesn't feel at all insulted isn't stopping at least one other guy from voicing his substantial and ridiculous ire.

Care to guess who I'm talking about?

I won't even bother spelling it out for you. I'm just going to dispense with the decorum once and for all and issue a heartfelt plea:

Please, please, please -- would Al Sharpton just crawl into a bathtub somewhere and drag in a toaster-oven?

From "Jock Bitch: The Ongoing Saga of Don Imus" (Originally Published, 4.13.07)

I didn't find Imus's comment particularly offensive or incendiary -- though I admit to not being the target of it. I also didn't find it to be the least bit funny -- but I'm betting that some people did. Who determines that they don't have the right to find it funny -- or that I don't have the right to be indifferent to it? Who decides what's acceptable and what's unacceptable language -- which jokes are funny and which ones are without social merit?

At the moment, it would seem like the people who have cast themselves as deserving of the job are the same ones who never made amends for their own past transgressions (Hymie Town? Tawana Brawley?), who derive their power and authority from the very divisiveness they claim to decry, and who can rarely be counted on to express so much as an indignant thought when a group other than their own comes under attack by the intolerant.

This last fact should provide all the evidence needed to prove that the overall motivation of people like Sharpton and Jackson isn't justice or morality, but rather the subornation of an adherence to their own personal agenda.

If by some chance you'd like more more proof, consider this: no matter your opinion of Imus, it's an absolute fact that he spends a substantial portion of his time, both on-air and off, raising money to help children with cancer, through an initiative founded and maintained by his wife and himself. He has also, in the past, raised funds for U.S. troops overseas as well as raising awareness of the inadequacy of the V.A. hospital system. The point is that there are not only people out there who find Imus entertaining -- there are people who legitimately benefit from his presence on the air. These people have neither been consulted nor even considered by the torch-wielding mob now stationed at the gates of Imus's hilltop home -- that's because, to this particular mob, the good that Imus does for these people simply isn't as valid as the good to be achieved by removing him for making a completely insignificant comment. If you'll forgive such blatantly instigative language, they're essentially saying that the needs of kids with cancer aren't as important as the hurt feelings of a bunch of female basketball players -- that Don Imus, in fact, does more harm than good.

That's not simply unjust -- it's immoral.

From "The Nth Degree" (Originally Published, 11.21.06)

Allow me to begin by simply coming right to the point:

Nigger.

You obviously wouldn't be able to tell from where you are, but after typing that word I put my laptop aside, got up from the couch and walked to the refrigerator to pour myself a glass of iced-tea before returning to my computer a minute or so later. What's important about this isn't what happened during the short interval -- it's what didn't happen. The world didn't explode. Lives weren't lost. Hordes of people didn't pour out onto 125th street, or the corner of Florence and Normandie, or MLK boulevards all across the land to engage in weeping and gnashing of teeth at the assured knowledge that they would immediately be returned to a life of indentured servitude. The universe, as far as I know, didn't collapse in on itself, sucking reality -- or at the very least, a substantial portion of the population -- into a giant black hole of nothingness.

The reason of course is simple: Despite whatever heft, whatever power to destroy or dehumanize, that we've unwisely granted a single word -- any word -- in the end it is still just a word, and nothing more.

Except that in the most advanced and preeminent culture to ever exist upon this Earth, in the early days of the 21st century, it isn't just a word. On the contrary, the word "nigger" holds an unparalleled level of ascendancy in our society. There's no better testament to the truth of this statement than the fact that otherwise educated, intelligent people -- the type who normally would rather step on a live land mine than be taken for an idiot -- will gladly allow themselves to be reduced to spouting the vernacular of a four-year-old to avoid speaking it.

No matter the alternative's power to offend and instigate, is there anything -- anything -- more painfully ridiculous than a grown man or woman saying, "The N-word?" It's an absurd verbal tip-toe that not only proves that there is apparently no safe context in which the actual word can be uttered, but also that there exists an unspoken implication that those whom one would expect to be angered by the use of such a word are so stupid that they can't discern between the desire to dehumanize and subjugate and the need to openly discuss, and therefore should be protected from hearing the word altogether -- for the good of everyone. This latter possibility -- an indictment of an entire culture, whether out of condescension or outright fear -- is infinitely more offensive than the utterance of any one word.

From "On the Offensive" (Originally Published, 10.15.06)

By preaching the gospel of diversity -- by insisting that every person's every little hang-up be respected and that no one ever be made to feel the least bit uncomfortable -- we create a completely homogenous workplace which is actually devoid of any real diversity. True tolerance of the uniqueness of each culture and personality would allow for the occasional insensitive act or rude comment. That's not what we're after, though -- not these days. Instead, corporations are attempting to stave off ludicrous lawsuits by opportunistic employees and in doing so are catering to the culture of victimization which now holds us all hostage.

Battle: UCLA

One of my favorite stories at the moment -- meaning it's one that just makes me shake my head at the absurdity of every facet of it -- involves the "anti-Asian rant" that a UCLA student shot and posted to YouTube. If you haven't seen it yet, it's an instant classic -- the kind of thing that was destined for viral transmission, followed by mass-media pick-up, followed by the inevitable contrived controversy and shouts of righteous indignation (and eventually ending with a Web Redemption segment on Tosh). Basically it goes like this: a girl named Alexandra Wallace was apparently so miffed at the fact that UCLA is overflowing with Asian students and their idiosyncrasies that she -- wait for it -- took to the internet to bitch about it. Her three-minute tirade is mildly offensive to say nothing of unbelievably dumb, but it's not like she's the Secretary of State and it's not like she set a Korean grocer on fire or something. She's a stupid kid whose shitty judgment should preclude her from graduating college long before her skewed belief system does.

But needless to say, there are already those out there demanding that she be expelled. Not because she's an idiot, but because she said something that offended them.

The great irony of this, of course, is that Alexandra Wallace is herself a walking fucking stereotype. In fact, she's got the ditzy, stacked Southern Cali blond thing down so flawlessly that I almost thought the video had to be some sort of parody. When I lived in L.A. I was generally more irritated by people like Alexandra than I was by the city's considerable Asian population. In fact, quite a few of my very close friends were Asian-American; I can't say I ever wanted to spend even a minute of my time with girls like Bryttnee from Brentwood here. But regardless of what I think of her statements about the student demographic which seems to be ruining her collegiate experience, she has a right to speak what little exists of her mind and not fear official reprisal. As Wallace reminds everyone ad nauseam in the clip, this is actually America -- and while, no, it doesn't mean that blonds have more claim to it than anyone else, it does mean that even a stupid opinion can be aired freely.

And what about that opinion? Well, it's just that -- an opinion. By its very nature that means that it's one person's view and you don't necessarily have to like it.

Apparently Alexandra has had issues with Asian students that she feels create a situation that's statistically significant enough for her to complain about those interactions and imply that they're part of a bigger picture. Not saying it's right -- although as I've said here before I'm of the mind that stereotypes exist for a reason; not everyone in a particular group will live up to a cookie-cutter image but apparently enough people have to create that stereotype in the first place -- but once again, it's her view and hers alone. Are there a lot of Asians at UCLA? Oh, hell yes. In fact, one of my best friends in the world, who's of Vietnamese descent, graduated from there and used to rattle off the familiar joke that UCLA stood for "University of Caucasians Lost Among Asians." (For those keeping score, USC was "University of Spoiled Children.") Do Asian students tend to have certain cultural quirks? Of course they do. Would these quirks irritate the hell out of you if you didn't grow up with them in your own household and now had to deal with them almost 24/7? Depends on who you are, but it's certainly possible.

So should Alexandra Wallace be punished in some way for bitching about her experiences with Asian students? No, actually. She's entitled to believe what she believes and to voice those beliefs.

Just like all the Asian and Asian-American kids who'll make response videos mercilessly mocking stupid, overly bubbly California bleach-blonds with big boobs will be entitled to that.

Besides, at the rate things are going, the Chinese students will eventually own Alexandra's ass anyway.

* * * * *

Update: Well, if you thought there might be any surprises in store with regard to this little controversy, you can sleep easy tonight knowing that it's following its story arc down to the letter so far. Needless to say, Alexandra Wallace has now issued an apology via the Daily Bruin for her thoughtless comments. It reads as follows:

"Clearly the original video posted by me was inappropriate. I cannot explain what possessed me to approach the subject as I did, and if I could undo it, I would. I'd like to offer my apology to the entire UCLA campus. For those who cannot find it within them to accept my apology, I understand."

So, that settles it, right?

Of course not.

She's apparently received several death threats and with the worldwide circulation of the apology by outlets across the internet there are already the obligatory indignant comments from journalists and the public demanding to know, "Is her apology enough?" "Why didn't she specifically say she's sorry to Asians both at UCLA and around the globe?" and "OMG, Why wasn't I included in her apology since I was so offended?!?!"

Look, the kid said she's sorry. Drop it. Of course there's an argument to be made that her apology isn't all that sincere because, well, it was demanded of her and continues to be. Forcing someone to say he or she is sorry kind of negates the power of the consequent apology, and yet people do it constantly these days, pretending that it will somehow salve their deeply offended sensibilities. And speaking of offended, guess what? Alexandra Wallace doesn't owe a pound of flesh -- or in this case ten minutes of contrite public self-flagellation -- to every fucking person who took offense to what she said in her idiotic little screed. It's ludicrous to allow everyone who claims to be aggrieved to dictate what her punishment should be and to whom it should be directed. She said something dumb and she now says she's sorry. Once again, you're not gonna get any more satisfaction than that so knock it the hell off and go back to your life. Which apparently consists largely of looking for things to be unnecessarily pissed off about.

Ruffled Feathers

I'll make this quick.

You're not gonna believe this but Gilbert Gottfried said something completely inappropriate.

I know, right?

Now I'm not talking about the time a few weeks after 9/11 when he said that he couldn't get a direct flight into New York City because all the planes were scheduled to connect at the Empire State Building. Or his infamously horrific telling of the legendary Aristocrats joke that followed it. Or that time during the roast of George Takei that he got up in front of a standing-room-only crowd and did 20 minutes of cracks about "faggots." No, I'm talking about just a couple of days ago when he rattled off a series of jokes about the Japanese earthquake and tsunami on Twitter that included, "I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, they'll be another one floating by any minute now," "I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said 'is there a school in this area.' She said 'not now, but just wait.'", and "I fucked a girl in Japan. She screamed 'I feel the earth move and I'm getting wet.'"

What makes this last infraction against civil and polite society stand out is that it just got him fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac insurance duck. If you follow the logic, it goes something like this: Aflac hired one of the most gleefully loutish and obscene comics on earth -- a guy who's made a career out of defying good taste and who'll go to any length to offend and instigate -- then suddenly grew a conscience and cut him loose only when the people he was threatening to piss off happened to be valued customers (since Aflac does a lot of business in Japan). It almost goes without saying that while it's absolutely the company's decision who it wants to be associated with, it's interesting that Aflac apparently never concerned itself with whether Gottfried's material throughout the years might be offensive to its gay, black, Hispanic -- basically anybody he's ever mercilessly ribbed at one time or another -- clientele.

Aflac should've known what it was getting into when it decided to make Gilbert Gottfried the voice of its corporate mascot -- reacting with righteous indignation now is either disingenuous or ridiculously ignorant.

By the way, Gottfried's jokes -- while tasteless -- were fucking hilarious. And that's what a good comic is supposed to do: make us laugh, even through our pain.

Food (and Drugs, and Booze, and Women) for Thought

I just posted this as a comment on a Facebook friend's wall, during a discussion that had a couple of people playing the morality police and admonishing Charlie Sheen as "sick," and a "pathetic moron.":

"Why is Sheen pathetic, sad, a moron, whatever? Jesus, you pay a guy 2 million dollars A WEEK for doing essentially nothing and then, what, expect him to behave with humility? You really think he won't become a rampaging id with a God complex? Sheen's doing porn stars in the bathroom at Daniel and downing $2,500 bottles of champagne and believes he's invincible because, why shouldn't he? I always wondered, if you had the money and resources to live your life completely hedonistically -- and you had the ego to where the judgment of others didn't matter to you -- would it really be wrong or somehow immoral to live like it was one non-stop party? Who am I to suggest how someone else lives his or her life and to look down my nose at them disapprovingly? The only factor that I think makes Sheen's decisions very, very questionable is that he has children. Other than that -- good for him. Have at it. Lord knows I'm not gonna get to enjoy my life like that; I certainly don't see why I should pretend to be offended by his decision to as an adult. It's his life."

You can debate me on the truth behind the motivation for Sheen's insanely arrogant posturing -- in other words, you can be like any one of the cavalcade of pious "experts" the cable news channels have paraded out to comment on Sheen's behavior ad nauseam, saying that it's obvious how sad and lonely he really is -- but what if he is just having a hell of a good time with the admittedly unbelievably charmed life he's led? Morality isn't always a relative thing, but what if Charlie Sheen's decision to stop worrying even for a second about what anybody thinks of how he chooses to live is actually good for him?

Now, just for the hell of it because it seems so fitting, here's the Butthole Surfers -- The Shame of Life.

Assistant To the Quote of the Day

"Using your Twilight success as the reason why you should have been considered to direct the The Fighter (which would kick Twilight's ass if it didn't scare it away by winking at it first) is like saying you can scream the loudest so you should be a sound engineer. And also, you were fired from directing another Twilight, so maybe stop bragging about that one."

-- Jamie Frevele (who is apparently my biggest fan*) on Catherine Hardwicke's complaint that sexism prevented her from getting the job directing The Fighter

*See her byline at the top of the piece

Kid Gloves

Can you find the babies in this story?

Here's a hint: They don't include the one being smashed against a window.

From the Huffington Post:

"A vacation rental company says it will remove an image of a baby doll smashing against a window from a Super Bowl ad after complaints that the ad was insensitive toward child abuse and injuries.

Homeaway.com Chief Executive Brian Sharples said Tuesday the Austin-based company would remove from its website versions of the ad that depict the doll getting 'smushed, smashed, or dropped.' Sharples said the Super Bowl ad wouldn't air again.

The ad Sunday night from the company that markets rental homes showed people trying to fit into a crowded hotel room in a testing lab, resulting in a 'test baby' being flung against a window.

Sharples apologized, saying the company 'failed to understand the reality' of families dealing with serious injuries to children."

At what point are we going to learn that there's always going to be someone offended? Aggrieved outrage and indignation is the new national pastime, and no matter how hard you try to make sure no one's delicate feelings are hurt and everybody's nice and comfortable, there are always going to be one or two people who just happen to have recently tossed their baby through a window, or had a relative eaten by a shark, or watched a documentary on Tibet -- and those people are going to freak the hell out.

Allow me to jump on the bandwagon and invoke the ubiquitous Founding Fathers by throwing out a quote from Ben Franklin:

"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed."

Jesus, people -- it's a commercial.

Assistant To the Quote of the Day

"Isn't there a double standard at work here? You can't have it both ways. You can't claim that asking people to be 'armed and dangerous' is ok and then also claim that violent video games, which are explicitly fictional, have the influence to turn normal children into violent thugs."

-- JM Ashby at Cesca's site, making a fantastic point about the Fox News-propagated controversy over the new Bulletstorm video game

Flawless victory.

In a related item, I had never even heard of Bulletstorm -- now I totally want to play it. See how that works?

Pyramid Steam

Is this funny?

Eh, not particularly.

Is it offensive and does it warrant an immediate apology from Kenneth Cole himself for having the insensitivity to make light of the situation in Egypt?

Oh for God's sake.

If Kenneth Cole wants to make it up to all of the protesters in Cairo -- who you know took time out from being beaten savagely with truncheons today to complain about this tweet -- he should just ship over a bunch of shoes they can remove and throw at Mubarak's presidential palace.

Thought for the Day

You know, Madonna was on Ellen a couple of days ago to lend her two cents to the fight against the current "epidemic" of bullying in America, officially signifying that the whole Heathers-esque anti-bullying fad that's been sweeping the nation has finally jumped the shark. This can only mean that the inevitable pro-bully backlash will soon begin. So prissy little outcasts everywhere, get ready to be dragged kicking and screaming into the giant steel cage your school gym has been converted into, where you'll be beaten savagely by jocks wielding cafeteria chairs while hundreds of NRA-supporting parents in camouflage t-shirts and "Big Journalism" baseball caps look on unashamed.

Remember, everything in our culture these days is cyclical, and it's only a matter of time before people have had enough of being made to feel like they need to defer to the Glee kids.