Burger King

Do yourself a favor and follow Neil Hamburger on Twitter immediately.

Britney Spears is currently doing a live Q&A via Twitter and Neil is pelting her with questions like, "What are you more thankful for, prescription drugs or pitch-correction technology," and "How do you make it look so easy to dance and lip-sync for 2 solid hours with a stomach full of Carls Jr.?" while of course drawing the hilarious wrath of her rabid fans.

Twitter.com/Neil_Hamburger

Toy Sorry

A transcript of the conversation posted yesterday on my Facebook wall:

Status: Today's topic over beers: just in time for the holidays, inappropriate children's toy ideas. And... Go!

Chez: Peep Show Booth Cleaner Barbie (with Detachable Mop)

Noel: Vibrating Veggie Tales

Del: A Tea Party set

Chez: Fisher Price My First Period

Votar: Akbar Toys' "My First Suicide Vest"

Del: Barney's BDSM Starter Kit

Mark: Thomas the Tancredo

Chez: Fisher Price My First Time

Votar: All Aboard the Auschwitz Choo Choo

Votar: Tickle My Taint Elmo

Chez: Ratz

Scott: Tickle-Me Mark Foley Doll

Del: Swallow Some Semen Cindy

Chez: Inhellivision

Chez: The Auschwitz EZ Bake Oven

Votar: The Post-Katrina Superdome Playset

Chez: The Nidal Hasan Jihad Joe Doll

Ilsa: There is seriously a Fisher Price My First Period? I just died.

Votar: Bionic TSA Agent with X-ray Vision

Chez: Fisher Price My First Anal Scene (these are endless)

Paul: Spunk & Spell

Chez: The Commodore Prick 20

Paul: Pubic's Cube

Chez: Teddy Meatspin

Chez: Optimus Sex Crime

Paul: Titty Twister

Carlos: Mr. Potato Head: Michael Jackson Edition

Paul: Mr. Mouth (a real one which, in this context, sounds filthy)

Chez: XXXbox

Michael: Barbie with a Hidden Camera Inside... oh, wait

Carlos: Transgenders: More Than Meets the Eye

Chez: Mr. Snuffleupsomecoke

Votar: Atari's 9/11 Flight Simulator

Votar: Pokéboy

Chez: Suckle Me Elmo

Chez: Ravaged Snatch Kids

Chez: Rape Ape

Lake: The Dexter Doll Set (complete with knives, for dismemberment)

Votar: Hannah Does Montana

Chez: Port Authority Bathroom Barbie

Lake: Harry Potter Vibrating Quidditch Broom (oh, wait, Walmart already did that)

Chez: Play-Dildough

Votar: Dora Gets Deported

Chez: Mr. Microphone Tyson

Votar: Nerf Underwear Bomb

Lake: Uncle Bob's "It's Our Secret" Board Game

Monica: This post was just read out in its entirety at lunch with 7 other people. Good job. Cancer Cluster Barbie, complete with water well.

Chez: The Queef Football

Chez: Gaystation

Chez: 2 Girls, 1 Lincoln Log

Chez: The Stims (for autistic kids)

Chez: Robitussin Buzz Lightyear

Votar: The Chronicles of NAMBLA: Stories About Boys in a Closet

Votar: Touch My Wii

Chez: Kvetch-a-Sketch (perfect for Hanukkah!)

Chez: Spook Nuke 'Em (available only in the South)

Adam C: Collapsed Mine Playset -- battle your friends for the working air mask

Adam C: Little Miss Ladder-Climber with REAL Sucking Action

Votar: Emo Girl Dress Up Kit -- Now With Detachable Lip Ring, Fishnet Leggings, Fake Goth Tat, and Digital Camera (12 Hours of Free alt.binaries.my.dad.is.so.humiliated Newsgroup Access Also Included!)

Chez: Columbine Barbie

Chez: Heather Mills Leg-o Set

Maribel: Dr. 90210 Playset, complete with Botox Injections and Liposuction Canula

Chez: Travis Bickle Me Elmo

Where the Juvenile Things Are

Favorite conversation from last night's "Howl" Fundraiser Costume Ball, at the Sky Lobby in the Bank of America Tower, Downtown Miami:

Me: Okay, I'll give you ten bucks if during the evening you can slip the word "jism" randomly into conversation with strangers ten times.

Votar: You mean, like, "That's a beautiful costume -- really gorgeous. And I love the way it brings out the jism in your eyes"?

Me: Yup.

Votar: I'll take that action.