Quote of the Day

"Mr. Leno sounds less like a fuzzy fellow worthy of Middle America and more like a dangerous beast from Middle-Earth—not unlike, say, Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. In J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic tale, Gollum is a once noble animal who (like Leno is his early days as a stand-up comic) was beloved by his peers. But then Gollum takes possession of an incredibly powerful ring, which not only extends his life but also gradually saps him of his humanity. Alone with no family or friends, continued possession of the ring becomes Gollum’s only purpose in life. Gradually, his proto-self 'Smeagol' disappears and is replaced by a nasty, treacherous personality, which leaves him two-faced to the world. In 'Slinker' mode, he comes across as servile, toothless and eager to please. But as 'Stinker,' he lurks quietly in the shadows, hiding in the closet, ready to bite off the finger of anyone who tries to get between him and his 'precious.'"

-- Felix Gillette in the New York Observer

Case in point: While it's true that there's been a near-constant barrage of mortar fire exchanged between Conan, Leno, NBC and the guy who's taking a substantial amount of pleasure in watching all of this -- David Letterman -- Leno's always tried to have it both ways. He's wanted to keep his squeaky clean, nice-guy image while secretly working behind the scenes to put himself back in place on The Tonight Show, what's ostensibly been Conan's gig, and getting off his fair share of below-the-belt shots at those he feels are wronging him. It came to a head last night when Leno, who's already almost universally disliked by his peers and whose public image may in fact be permanently tarnished, made a crack about Letterman's wife.

Meanwhile, Conan and NBC have reached a $45-million dollar deal for Conan to leave The Tonight Show. His final show will be tomorrow, but ramping up to that he's been doing a whole lot of hilariously corrosive bits aimed right at NBC. The latest, last night, involved hitting the network where it's been proven to hurt most -- spending a hell of a lot of NBC's money, supposedly $1.5-million, on just one sketch.

Listening Post

When you think of bands that have stood the test of time -- in that they've stayed essentially intact for three decades and have continued to make relevant music throughout -- Depeche Mode may not immediately come to mind. But they should.

It's shocking to think that these guys were huge back when I was in high school, and yet somehow 25 years later they've managed to release one of the best records of their very long career -- Songs of the Universe.

From that album, here's Wrong.

Bonus Quote of the Day

"I want a chastity belt on this man. I want his every move watched in Washington. I don't trust this guy. This one could end with a dead intern. I'm just saying. It could end with a dead intern."

-- Glenn Beck on Scott Brown, apparently appalled that Brown would pimp his two daughters on national television

Gotta give Beck credit. He's equal opportunity crazy.

Project Office Mayhem

Your assignment, as usual: Quietly put the following link up on every computer in your office, then crank all the speakers to full volume.

Mischief points: 1,209

Abadah Mahna Mahna

Quote of the Day

"Health care is dead!"

-- Fox News's Stuart Varney, barely able to contain his joy at Scott Brown's victory in Massachusetts

Just think about that quote for a moment -- it speaks volumes.

It's Pat!

The funniest thing you'll read all day:

The Onion: God's Wrath According to Pat Robertson/1.20.10

Animal Attraction

PETA must be losing its touch.

Normally, their ads go for shock value -- but come on, guys, Sasha Grey nude isn't shocking at all. In fact, the only thing shocking about this picture is that she's not surrounded by penises.

Guess this must be part of PETA's new "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sperm" campaign.

Related:

DXM: Feast of Burden/11.25.09