Scar Issue

Whoever picked "slashed by a random stranger at age five," you win.

The New York Post: Tina Fey Explains Scar in Vanity Fair/12.1.08

The American President

I'll make this quick.

It was de Tocqueville who famously declared that in a democracy, the people get the government that they deserve.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a piece decrying what at that time was the mere whisper of a possible Hillary Clinton nomination for secretary of state within the Obama administration. My reticence stemmed from an understandable fear of the drama and scandal that always seem to accompany the Clintons and the desire not to see either hung around the neck of Barack Obama. I would never go so far as to second guess Obama -- since I'm in no position to do that -- but I did wonder aloud whether a Clinton appointment would be worth the baggage attached to her. I said that the bad would likely outweigh the good -- that her level of experience wasn't worth risking the hassle.

Barack Obama obviously didn't think so -- he doesn't think so.

And he's probably right.

Within the past few weeks, our president-elect has brought adversaries together, fused Republicans and Democrats, and ignored the calls for heavy-handed political retribution from many of those who put him in office in the first place -- people like me. He's begun to create an administration that truly puts the common good above the whims and the petty grudge bloodlust of the lowest common denominator. He's doing something remarkable: fashioning a brave government that's beholden to no one but is instead beholden to everyone.

Put simply, he's being precisely the kind of leader that I had longed for: one who is infinitely wiser, more just, and less impertinent than I am.

Our new president is already proving that he genuinely represents "the better angels of our nature" -- and it's a beautiful thing to behold after everything we've been through.

With due respect to de Tocqueville, Barack Obama's not simply what we deserve.

He's better than we deserve.

Mormonism vs. Scientology (Round 2: Be Wary, Be Wary the 10th of February)

The second part of our deathmatch between Mormonism and Scientology comes from February of this year, when the internet group "Anonymous" declared war on L. Ron Hubbard's magical space cult. This column was written exclusively for the Huffington Post.

Let me start off by paraphrasing a popular disclaimer: I'm not "Anonymous," nor am I affiliated with the mysterious internet group in any way.

That said, as a fan of The X Files I love a good conspiracy theory, which means that the recent antics of the shadowy entity known only as "Anonymous" have admittedly piqued my interest. In deference to those who just stepped out of a bathysphere, Anonymous is the name that's been adopted by a self-proclaimed collective of hackers and supposedly pissed-off average folks for the purpose of meting out justice via the internet -- and it's now declared war on Scientology. Two weeks ago, the group launched the first salvo in what it says will be an extended campaign to bring down the controversial "church"; it released an eerie video message attacking Scientology's tactics and promising retaliation for what it claims is a history of lies and generally sinister behavior on the part of the organization. To its credit I guess, Anonymous didn't keep anyone waiting: It launched a series of coordinated denial-of-service attacks on the official Scientology website almost immediately, effectively shutting it down. This was supposedly followed by prank phone calls and "black fax" transmissions to Scientology offices across the country.

At least two more videos have been released by Anonymous since its initial declaration of hostilities, one promising a global protest at Scientology centers on February 10th.

Needless to say, the normally confident Scientology big shots, who've raised damage control through vindictive litigation to an art form, suddenly find themselves in an amusing PR bind: If they dismiss Anonymous as a bunch of pathetic computer geeks -- which they already have, word for word -- they appear hopelessly arrogant; If they take the group seriously, they give it power; if they just ignore it altogether, they look stupid.

In other words, for all their supposed higher-brain functions, compliments of L. Ron Hubbard's questionable teachings, they can't win this one.

A group of internet savvy kid vigilantes has, to some extent, already beaten them.

The question some are asking though is whether Anonymous has crossed the line -- whether, in its battle to expose Scientology, it's engaging in the same kind of underhanded tactics it accuses the church of. The founder of one popular anti-Scientology website, Operation Clambake, has already criticized the group's supposed skulduggery, claiming that it'll only put Scientologists in a position to play the religious persecution card.

Maybe, but honestly -- who cares?

Almost since its inception as an organization, Scientology has been involved in one unscrupulous scheme or another -- at various points guilty of fraud, exploitation of its adherents for financial gain, and the illegal infiltration of government agencies. It's upheld the basic edict of its paranoid narcissist founder and set out to destroy its critics through intimidation, innuendo and impossibly dirty tricks. It was once called the "most lucrative cult the country has ever seen" by the Cult Awareness Network, a watchdog group which was eventually taken over by associates of the Church of Scientology. The whole thing, including the silly cosmology that serves as the basis for Scientology's belief system -- the kind of nonsense only a hack sci-fi writer could dream up -- would be laughable if it weren't so damn scary.

Anonymous claims that it was the Church of Scientology's efforts to suppress the recently leaked and utterly surreal video tribute to Tom Cruise which led to its decision to take action. Admittedly, watching Cruise -- looking not simply crazy but dangerously crazy -- spouting Hubbard's official-sounding acronymic lingo and making ex cathedra declarations of "no mercy" for psychiatrists is as mesmerizing as it is frightening. He almost seems like he's channeling his Frank T.J. Mackey character from Magnolia, demanding that we all "respect the crock."

The problem of course is that if you say any of this too loudly, the church will have no compunction about removing the choke collar from its legal pit bulls, which is what makes the mischievous guerilla attacks of Anonymous tough not to enjoy a little -- provided they never cross the line into the realm of genuine terrorism.

The bottom line: It's kind of satisfying to watch someone turn the tables on Scientology, using the same brand of furtive cloak-and-dagger absurdity to publicly shame an adversary that the church has used for decades.

If the Scientology people knew who to file a lawsuit against, you can bet it would've already happened.

That's why it's so much fun that they're left chasing shadows.

Related:

DXM: I'm Tom Cruise and I'm Going to Crush Your Fucking Skull While Laughing Maniacally/1.18.08

The British are Coming

The Daily Mail: Britain Leads the World in Casual Sex/12.1.08

Listening Post

Sherman, set the Way-Back machine for 1983 -- when new wave and pop were one indistinguishable genre.

I'd forgotten how much I used to love this song until I heard it again recently.

It's the Tubes -- She's a Beauty.

Mormonism vs. Scientology (Round 1: The Sectarian Candidate)

Because my little shot at the unfettered lunacy that is Mormonism seems to have struck a nerve with some readers -- who are debating how it stacks up against the equally unfettered lunacy that is Scientology -- I figured I'd bring back a couple of columns dealing with these "religions." Let's kick things off with this one, from December of last year. More to come later today.

***FROM THE CAMPAIGN TO ELECT MITT ROMNEY: NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE***

What follows is the initial draft of today's (12/6/07) scheduled speech by Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for President of the United States. The purpose of the address will be to allow Mr. Romney the opportunity to explain his Mormon faith to America, in the hope of creating a better understanding and acceptance of the faith's spiritual tenets and practices. The corrections, as well as the notes and instructions in boldface, have been written by Mr. Romney himself except where noted.

My fellow Americans,

You now have two Earth minutes to surrender or be destroyed.

I come to you today, not simply as a proud citizen of this country, nor merely as a candidate for President of the United States, but as a man of faith.

There's been some concern over the past few months about my religious beliefs, specifically, questions in regard to the Mormon faith itself. Many Americans want to know what it is, what it stands for, who is behind it, is it just as warm and cuddly as that "Big Love" show, what is its relation to Christianity?

I'm here to tell you that you have nothing to fear -- that the Church of Latter Day Saints has a plan for your life, and that it involves tax evasion and three wives in every home. The church and its storied belief system were founded by the great Prophet Joseph Smith, who, when he wasn't searching for buried treasure, trying to con local hillbillies, or sitting in a jail cell, dedicated his life to pulling a "religion" out of his ass in an effort to rip off his arch-nemesis, the U.S. Government spreading the word of the one true God. (Remember to pause dramatically in between one, true and God)

Prophet, Seer and Revelator Smith was the sole vessel for the most recent Testament of Jesus Christ, as told to him by several "angelic beings," including the resurrected prophet known as "Moroni." (The "C" is silent.) These were called hallucinations "Revelations." To make a very long and unbelievably convoluted story short, after transcribing the word of God on a set of mysterious, invisible golden plates, Prophet Smith built a brand new ponzi scheme church from the ground up and took himself and his followers west due mostly to the fact that they were run out of almost every town they tried to settle in, to Utah.

The faith the Prophet founded was special, like no other (insofar as it was, in fact, like every other faith simply because Prophet Smith created it by unimaginatively swiping tenets and concepts from already established religions like Christianity and Judaism). As such, it developed many dupes followers during its formative period -- the lengthy era between the church's inception and its final settlement in Utah.

Along the way, the Prophet was visited by many more visions -- even Jesus stopped by the see him, at one point presenting him with the "New Covenant" (what became known as "The Principle"). This dictated that polygamy was not only condoned, but demanded by God. (Look stern)

David Koresh Joseph Smith of course passed this commandment on to his people -- particularly the women, whose subservience was now nothing less than a holy mandate under pain of eternal torment -- and thus, plural marriage became a staple of this new religion , one that would only be truly abandoned when the entire state of Utah found itself ostracized and excluded from the union, and eventually the government began confiscating everything polygamist families owned.

As it grew, Mormonism became the church of inclusion and equality, unless you were black, gay or a woman which helped to make it the fast-growing faith that it is today.

It also is and always has been a religion of peace (not counting the Mountain Meadows massacre of 1857, in which Mormon militiamen executed hundreds of unarmed men, women and children, then tried to pin it on the local Indians) .

(***Note from Campaign "Technician": Please be aware that Romney-VI will need to be plugged into the charger for at least an extra 20 minutes to remain animated for this length of time.***)

As I stand before you to ask you to elect me to the highest office in the land, I want to reassure you about the warm relationship the Church of Latter Day Saints has always shared with the United States government -- which I hope to be the leader of in the near future. Mormons have always had the utmost respect for the United States when they weren't trying to secede from the union or were arrogantly refusing to recognize the jurisdiction of the U.S. government. And while none of Joseph Smith's insane pronouncements or prophecies ever came true, that's no reason not to believe that Scientology Mormonism is not a legitimate faith -- one that can and should be accepted by both the American people and the government we all hold so dear.

And about faith in general, I must say this...

"There are some who may feel that religion is not a matter to be seriously considered in the context of the weighty threats that face us. If so, they are at odds with the nation's founders, for they, when our nation faced its greatest peril, sought the blessings of the Creator. And further, they discovered the essential connection between the survival of a free land and the protection of religious freedom. In John Adam's words: 'We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion... Our constitution was made for a moral and religious people."** (I like this. Gotta keep it. It'll piss off the bloggers.)

"We separate church and state affairs in this country, and for good reason. No religion should dictate to the state nor should the state interfere with the free practice of religion. But in recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning. They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America – the religion of secularism. They are wrong."** (This is great. It'll show those God-haters who believe in all that science. Remember to keep this in.)

To sum up today ladies and gentlemen, let me make one final point about my particular faith -- and it is one which simply cannot be argued with.

The beliefs of Mormons are no more curious...

No more outlandish...

And no more preposterous...

Than than the beliefs of any other faith.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

(**Actual excerpts from Romney's prepared address. By the way, to learn every dirty little secret about the real history of the Church of Latter Day Saints, and its extremist spinter cell, the FLDS, I highly recommend reading Jon Krakauer's excellent 2003 bestseller, Under the Banner of Heaven.)

Road Trip