And Now, an Apology in the Form of an Open Letter to America

Dear American Public,

I have no excuse. I have no defense.

I am a member of the American news media and have been for some time. This means that on more than one occasion I have -- willingly or unwillingly -- foisted upon you the trite, the inane and the monumentally ridiculous, and done so under the auspices of my supposed right to inform and educate you as to important events which effect your lives. I have been party to the beaming into your living room of seemingly endless video loops of JonBenet Ramsey dressed as a five-year-old prostitute. I have encouraged various interchangable Ken-and-Barbiesque meat-puppets, pompous and breathless, to sincerely attempt to convince you of the hidden threat lurking in your underwear drawer. I have conspired to make you believe that you were, at any given moment, in danger of being eaten by a shark. I have actually written the words "Every Parent's Nightmare" -- more than once in fact. I have dispatched correspondents to Aruba in search of Natalee Holloway. I have marveled at the ingenuity behind using an episode of Dateline NBC to promote The Apprentice. I've been good friends with Rick Sanchez for sixteen years.

In short, I have betrayed you. I have betrayed your trust.

I have let you down.

Yet I've never felt compelled to humbly ask for any sort of forgiveness for my offenses. I have never felt true shame, both for myself and my chosen profession -- until now.

I'm sorry for the coverage of the death of Anna Nicole Smith.

I'm sorry that so many supposedly venerable news organizations have elevated the all-but-inevitable self-destruction of a B-list former-stripper, Playmate, hack-actress, gold-digger, tabloid-queen, and all-around piece of human flotsam to the lofty heights of near-Shakespearian mythology. I'm sorry that we have treated an absolutely meaningless event as if it were somehow nothing short of a cultural earthquake, sure to send reverberations and tremors throughout society until they shake the very foundation -- the very soul -- of every man, woman and child in America. I'm sorry that we have devoted hour after hour to discussing and debating such asinine subjects as the paternity of this horrid woman's baby -- even being willing to proclaim, with a straight face, that its father might be the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor. I'm sorry that we've allowed Wolf Blitzer and Diane Sawyer to look no better than Pat O'Brien and Maria Menounos. I am truly sorry that we have, even for a moment, lent a shred of credibility to the opinions of Nancy Grace.

During the past week, those charged with the awesome responsibility of relaying to you the global, cultural, political, economic and medical news which you rightly expect and demand from us, have instead willingly allowed ourselves to be taken hostage by every permutation of loathsome, opportunistic degenerate -- each claiming to be able to add yet another spoonful of pabulum to the pot we're all too happy to stir. During the past week, hundreds of American soldiers and innocent civilians have been killed in Iraq -- as our focus shifted to one minor celebrity who died just off the Florida Turnpike.

We have failed you.

We have failed ourselves.

The only possible consolation is that many of us are well aware of our own ethical bankruptcy in the continued pursuit of this absurdity. I could explain at length my own feelings in the matter, but better I allow an anonymous colleague of mine to be the eloquent, impassioned voice for the thousands currently toiling away on this story at otherwise-reputable news operations across the country:

"I'm sorry, but I did not spend tens of thousands of dollars in school to cover this bullshit. She's a celebrity for fucking the unfuckable; that's not an accomplishment. I actually announced to the newsroom this morning that I didn't go to journalism school to cover a two-bit Texas whore and that, if this was the kind of news we were covering, I could use my diploma for toilet paper. It's unbelievable. BREAKING NEWS??? I'm really sorry that the drug addict OD-ed, but that's what happens when you're an overweight drug addict."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

With Contrition,

Chez

Back Tomorrow

Promise.

Happy Contrived and Consumerist Holiday Perpetuated by DeBeers and Hallmark in an Effort to Ensure that Men are Forced to Spend Even More Money They Don't Have Simply to Appease Their Mates' Collective Tendency Toward Affirmation-Through-Materialism and Desire to Show-off for Their Friends and so that Said Men Might Avoid Sleeping on the Couch for a Week.

That's me -- Mister Fuckin' Romance.

Beware of Greeks Bearing Undercooked Chicken

The weather in South Florida was fantastic, and of course the fact that Anna Nicole Smith took her final obnoxious breath about ten minutes from where I was staying was an added bonus.

Unfortunately, a visit made by my wife and I to a Greek food festival on Saturday ended with the two of us feverishly projectile vomiting and groaning in agony for most of the night and well into the following morning through yesterday afternoon. I'm still feeling pretty awful, which just goes to show that the Greeks apparently have a more potent weapon even than the Kraken...

Appetizers.

I may need an extra day.

Auto Reply: Out of Office

Screw this -3 windchill crap.

I'm going someplace warm.

Be back on Monday.

Heiress of Grievances

I'll make this quick.

Apparently, GLAAD -- the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation -- is demanding that Paris Hilton apologize to both the gay and black communities in the wake of a recently-released videotape in which she's seen using racist and homophobic language. The video, which is at least a few years old and was obviously shot by someone who knows her personally, shows Hilton doing what she does best: flailing around some club like a human coke spoon and giggling about how much better she is than everyone else. More than once, she uses the words "fag" and "nigger" to describe the aforementioned inferior beings.

GLAAD president Neil G. Giuliano, having finally won the battle for gay rights in all fifty states, took time out to personally chastise Hilton, saying, "These are not frivolous words, and to use them as if they are gives tacit sanction to the racism and homophobia they engender. Hilton has an obligation to go on record, explain herself, and publicly apologize to the LGBT (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Trans-gender) and African-American communities and all those offended by these slurs."

Unfortunately, demanding an apology from Paris Hilton gives tacit sanction to the idea that anything coming out of her mouth actually fucking matters. Paris is quite possibly the single most worthless human being on the planet; treating her as if her views hold any more influence than those of your average crack-whore just makes you look stupid. This isn't Mohammed el-Baradei we're talking about; it's Paris fucking Hilton. No one with two brain cells gives a damn what she thinks.

That said, I never thought I'd be defending this idiot, but guess what: she doesn't owe anyone an apology anyway; she certainly doesn't owe an "explanation" to a group which has taken upon itself the role of self-righteous, moral demagogue. A personal videotape in which someone makes a personal statement is still -- do you see where this is going? -- personal. As far as I know, it's still okay to be offensive. It's even okay to be a racist and homophobic moron without having to say you're sorry to another living goddamned soul. Putting the authority to decide what is and isn't right or wrong language into the hands of the masses is both dangerous and stupid, simply because someone will always be offended by something. Likewise, demanding an insincere mea culpa from every single person who's ever said or done something to irritate the sensibilities of another is not only useless -- it'll keep you unnecessarily busy for years.

You don't like what Paris said, knock her down the next time she's dancing next to you at Marquee.

Until then, keep in mind: Paris Hilton has every right to be an asshole.

So does anyone else.

Speaking of which, am I the only one who thinks it's funny that the president of a gay organization is a guy named Neil.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

I like to think that I'm at least somewhat adept at putting ideas into words -- that I can articulately argue my point in a way that might help others to understand, if not necessarily agree with it. Yet after giving it a few days to fully sink in, I'm still at a loss for a proper way to cohesively express the myriad thoughts swirling around in my head in regards to the events which took place last week in Boston. Of course I'm talking about the initial panic and subsequent indignation unleashed over a bunch of light-brites depicting cartoon moon-men giving the finger.

The entire controversy is so painfully dumb that I'm not sure it's worthy of any sort of thoughtful analysis, and it damn sure couldn't be improved upon comedically by me nor anyone else. The only thing that I can say for sure, without fear of contradiction, is that it's quite simply the stupidest thing I've witnessed in my thirty-seven years on this planet.

So, I have a few stream of consciousness thoughts on the whole thing, aside from that -- I got nothin'.

#1 The true losers in all of this are ultra-conservatives, who can no longer point to Boston as a dangerous haven for intellectual elitists.

#2 How, in God's name, did Boston Mayor Thomas Menino keep a straight face while blaming corporate greed and dredging up the ubiquitous boogeyman of "a post-9/11 world" to deflect the blame from his idiotic overreaction onto a couple of kids who meant zero harm whatsoever?

#3 Turner's "apology" was perfect; at no point did it say that the company was sorry for the ad campaign -- only that it was sorry for the panic that resulted. It may as well have just read, "We're sorry you people are fucking idiots." As for a demand for monetary restitution -- Turner doesn't owe the city of Boston a thing.

#4 The reaction from the other cities which have found themselves inundated with the same images of the Mooninites put the entire thing into perspective; none of them had assumed that it was about to be the target of a terrorist attack by Carlos the Jackass.

#5 There is nothing -- NOTHING -- more difficult than trying to explain Aqua Teen Hunger Force to someone who hasn't seen it; there is nothing funnier than watching that person then try to explain it to someone else.

#6 You'd be hard-pressed to find a single event which drew the line more clearly between those who "get it" and those who don't.

#7 Have our irrational fears rendered all but the most obvious statements -- commercial or otherwise -- susceptible to incorrect interpretations and knee-jerk reactions for which their creators can be held accountable by those who misunderstand their true intent? Doesn't this unwittingly elevate crap into art?

#8 The news conference held by the two kids responsible for placing the ads all over Boston -- the one in which they refused to talk about anything other than 70s hairstyles -- was a stroke of subversive genius. It showed the entire situation the respect it deserved (none), while frustrating the usual gaggle of self-important media morons to the point of near-madness. Hearing reporters whine like children about how they weren't being taken seriously was especially gratifying. Those two guys are my new heroes.

#9 Oh yeah, those kids aren't going to jail -- not even for a second -- and they know it. They're charged with staging a hoax, which would be a problem if they'd, in fact, staged a hoax; the DA's office needs to drop the charges and avoid any further embarrassment to itself. City officials meanwhile should be thanking God that there's no law against being monumentally stupid.

#10 The whole thing proved that I've never grown out of being a rotten little punk; I loved every second of watching supposedly mature adults inadvertently being made to look like fools by a joke they simply weren't in on. The Mooninites would indeed be proud.

The Icing on the Cake

So, a powerful winter storm is now dumping snow and ice on Georgia, Tennessee and the Carolinas.

Finally, the south gets what it's always wanted -- everything's white.