Assistant Quote of the Day

"My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it.' And they're like, 'Oh, well, forget it, then I don't want to date you.' Every guy thinks they're going to devirginize her, and they're not. She's never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever."

-- Chelsea Handler

There's nothing particularly insightful about the above quote, but the "never, ever, ever" thing is fucking gold.

Quote of the Day

"You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’"

-- Taylor Swift to Vanity Fair, taking a shot at Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for their jokes about her during the 2013 Golden Globe Awards

You'll remember, Fey joked, "You know what, Taylor Swift? You stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son," during her and Poehler's stint as hosts of the awards. She then followed it up by saying that Swift needed a little time to learn about herself. None of it seems out-of-bounds when you consider the fact that Taylor Swift is completely insane and if she weren't famous would have been arrested years ago for stalking. She's always been one nervous breakdown away from driving cross-country in a pair of diapers and carrying a trunk full of rope and duct tape -- and her pissy, childish reaction to being called out for inflating every little perceived slight to earth-shattering levels doesn't do much to prove otherwise.

What's fun about this is that it's actually the second time in a couple of months that somebody with a brain and some cultural cachet has publicly slapped down one of these pre-packaged teen sensations. Olivia Wilde made herself even cooler a few days ago by tweeting to Justin Bieber, "Put your fucking shirt on," after pictures of the shirtless little douche were snapped during his birthday bash in London. It goes without saying that the Belieber backlash on Twitter was instantaneous, with zillions of nobodies bombarding Wilde with gramatically challenged tweets defending their idol. Fey and Poehler faced the same kind of thing following the Globes and likely will again now that it's been confirmed that Taylor Swift was so hurt by their jab that she's probably going to write a song about how much she was hurt by their jab but how she's now standing tall because she's really, really strong, and, yeah, girl power and stuff, take that!

Swift is sincerely going to have the shortest shelf life of any of these pop tarts -- male or female -- because her cycle of dating-rejection-revenge song has already reduced her to a self-parody. Yeah, her fans don't care now, but once that cynicism gland starts going into overdrive around 19, she's done for.

Before that happens, though, can I make a suggestion to any Tiger Beat cover boy who's contemplating dating her? Please, I'm begging you, tell her right off the bat that you're really into doing it in the ass.

Because I'm seriously going to enjoy listening to We Are Never, Ever, Ever Having Anal Sex.

Picture of the Day

There simply aren't words to express how much I love the merry misanthropes over at 4Chan.

Taylor Swift is currently running a contest called "Taylor Swift on Campus," which encourages kids to vote for their school, with the winning school getting a live performance from Taylor herself (during which she'll presumably whine for an hour-and-a-half about all the guys who broke up with her, then simulate oral sex on an effigy of one of the Kennedys).

As you can see, the 4Chan kids are seeing to it that the right school wins the contest.

Yes, the Horace Mann School for the Deaf -- enrollment, 128 students -- currently has double the number of votes of its nearest competitor and almost four times the votes of the one behind that.