A High Sheen

I'm honestly not sure there's any cocaine left in the world right now. Like, if you were to call your dealer and try to get an 8-ball, no matter where you happen to live, he'd have to respond with a dejected, "Nah, dog, sorry -- got none." And when you asked why, he'd answer, "Dude, Charlie Sheen. Did you hear that crazy eighteen minute rant when he called into Alex Jones today, yo?"

Now let me break out my crystal ball and predict that by this time tomorrow CBS and the producer of Two-and-a-Half Men -- whom Charlie called a clown and hit with an indirect anti-Semitic slur during today's little on-air meltdown -- will finally have thrown in the towel and canceled the show.

Really, you have to hear this to believe it. This motherfucker hasn't felt the lower half of his face in a week.

TMZ: Audio of Charlie Sheen Call To Alex Jones/2.24.11

(Update: Not that you needed to be Kreskin to see it coming, but I told you so.)

(But Wait, There's More: Never one to let good judgment come between his rampaging id and a really, really bad idea, Sheen wrote an open letter in response to the shutting down of Two-and-a-Half Men. It reads:

"What does this say about Haim Levine (show creator Chuck Lorre) after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...

Charlie Sheen"

Yeah, so, there's that.

By the way, Sheen's in the Bahamas right now with marijuana magazine model Natalie Kenly, porn star Bree Olson and -- bafflingly -- his ex-wife Brook Mueler. First of all, holy shit is this guy Caligula, and second, as a friend of mine said, what's the over-under on him coming back to the states in coffin at this rate?)

Adding:

Quote of the Day

"When the assistant opened the door, there was Charlie standing there naked with cocaine all over his face! ... He was delusional and just completely lost. Totally out of it... He was punching the walls of the hotel room and going crazy and shouting 'nigger, nigger, nigger' for no reason at all. It was absolutely bizarre."

-- Anonymous source for a story in Radar detailing the events that led to Charlie Sheen's hospitalization in New York City last Monday night

He tried to bang a porn star in a bathroom stall at Daniel, Tony Montana'ed a mound of blow and got tackled by police while naked from the waist down -- but it'll be the fact that he used the word "nigger" that ends his career.

And speaking of which, is it my imagination or has Radar become the go-to media outlet for exclusives about celebrities shouting racial epithets?

Regardless, how badly do you want to party with Charlie Sheen? He's totally bringing back the 80s.

The Two One Coreys

My guess?

Vampires.

The Los Angeles Times: Corey Haim Dead at 38/3.10.10

Actually, the real lesson here is: Never let a drug dealer into your home -- it renders you powerless.

Johnson and Wails

You know, last night I retweeted something from musician and apparently really tolerant boyfriend of obnoxious Project Runway ultra-flame Christian Siriano in reference to the, ahem, "untimely" death of heiress and vibrator thief Casey Johnson. He wrote: "If my fiance dies and I'm on Twitter an hour later saying 'RIP baby' and 'give me privacy,' please hit me."

I passed this along because reading Tila Tequila's tweets throughout last night made me just about laugh out loud. Needless to say, Tila responded to the death of her lesbian lover -- whom she claims is actually her "fiancee" -- with all the class, dignity and restraint you'd expect from a three-foot-tall Vietnamese whore (attention and otherwise).

I'll let the Huffington Post's uncharacteristic snark fill you in from here:

"Casey Johnson, troubled heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, was found dead in her LA home Monday. She was 30. Now her purported fiance, reality/Internet personality Tila Tequila, has taken to Twitter to grieve.

'Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family,' Tila tweeted Monday night when the sad news broke.

Minutes later she was back online to discuss her loss with the public. 'This is a very heartbreaking time for me. I just want some pricacy as I deal with the loss of my Fiance Casey Johnson. I'm heart is shredded,' she continued.

Then there was a surprising turn: 'I just got news that my fiance is not dead but currently in a coma!!! Omg please pray that she will make it! Hang in there my love please!!!

I know u can feel me Casey! Dot let go! I'm almost home baby please hang on! We have a beautiful life planned out for us! I LOVE u! Hang on!'

Unfortunately Casey was dead after all, and Tila once again requested privacy in dealing with her grief: 'I'm still in shock! Once again thank U for the outpour of love and support. I just wish to have some privacy at this heartbreaking time.'

Again she returned to Twitter, this time to tweet directly at her deceased lover: 'R.I.P my Angel. @caseyjonsonJnJ u will forever be in my heart! I love u so so much and we will Marry when I see U in Heaven my Wifey.'

Tila announced in December, while flashing her nipple and a large (possibly fake) rock, that Casey had proposed to her."

I wrote this in the comment section of the admittedly callous and crass Casey Johnson post from last night, but it's worth repeating here: Maybe last weekend, Casey, Tila, Paris and Lindsay were all partying together and decided, at the very last minute, to pass on doing some lethal coke. Now it's like Final Destination -- with death coming for them all, one at a time.

We can only hope.

Last Call

Grim Reaper To Do List for 2010:

-- Casey Johnson

-- Tila Tequila

-- Lindsay Lohan

-- Paris Hilton

USA Today: Johnson and Johnson Heiress, Party Girl and Tila Tequila "fiancee" Casey Johnson Found Dead at 30/1.4.10