Don't Believe the Hype, It's a Sequel

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said that the true test of a first rate intellect is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still function.

For example: "Hillary Clinton would make an excellent secretary of state," and "Hillary Clinton would make a terrible addition to the Obama cabinet."

Or: "The current drama surrounding Hillary Clinton's potential appointment to secretary of state is almost entirely the creation of the conflict-addicted media," and "Hillary Clinton would almost surely bring unnecessary drama with her to any new post within the Obama administration."

Or, now that I think about it, maybe this: "I really liked Bill Clinton and thought he was a great president," and "Bill Clinton is a narcissistic sociopath who drags trouble behind him wherever he goes like tin cans tied to a wedding limo."

With all of these disparate notions fighting for supremacy, the question then centers around whether the good to be had by appointing Hillary Clinton to a high position in the incoming government outweighs the bad. Is she really worth all the political and emotional baggage?

Honestly?

No, she isn't.

I won't be one of those people who spent months vociferously supporting Barack Obama only to then criticize him the moment he wins; I in no way feel "betrayed" by any of the decisions he's made in the couple of weeks since securing a landslide victory and the mandate that comes with it. On the contrary, I'm encouraged by his desire to bring former adversaries into the fold; I think it's good for the country, by and large, and fulfills the promise Obama made during the campaign to shun the mistakes of his illustrious predecessor, a man who never met a spineless crony he didn't like.

But bringing Hillary Clinton on board is an entirely different animal.

I despised the kind of cynical and unscrupulous campaign Clinton ran during the primaries, but I'm willing to chalk that up to the nature of modern politics -- particularly because it has no bearing on her capacity to represent the United States as its top diplomat. What does present a problem, however -- and will continue to -- is that with Hillary Clinton, you never get just Hillary Clinton; it's always a package deal that includes Bill.

And if you think Bill Clinton won't find a way to inject his special brand of self-obsessed melodrama -- the proudly sly, Melrose Place-meets-the-White House shtick that we endured for most of the 90s -- into the otherwise focused, serious and drama-free environment created by Team Obama, I've got a story about not having sexual relations with an intern I'm sure I can convince you of.

Bill Clinton doesn't know how to lay low and relinquish the spotlight; he'd be an albatross around the neck of his wife and therefore a 300-pound millstone around the neck of the Obama White House.

And as Obama's own campaign said in reference to its opponent in the general election, that's not change -- that's more of the same.

Dead Presidents

Something to Believe In

A positive story on atheism -- in USA Today?

Things really are changing.

USA Today: Atheism, a Positive Pillar/11.18.08

Tuesday is Recycling Day

"That Man Begins" (Originally Published, 12.3.07)

When it comes to movies, Christian Bale is to relaunches what Kevin Costner is to crap.

Over the weekend it was confirmed that Bale will take on the role of reluctant robot killer John Connor in the next installment of the seemingly inexhaustible Terminator series -- Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. Besides being saddled with a title that calls to mind memories of Remo Williams (whose "Adventure" began and ended simultaneously back in 1985), the new film will supposedly be a sort of Wonder Years of the Terminator canon, focusing solely on the good old days of Connor's early fight against Skynet and those evil self-aware machines bent on the destruction of mankind.

Producers plan to make T4 the first in a new Terminator trilogy.

It should be noted that despite his exceptional talents and willingness to immerse himself neck deep in a role -- eg: losing so much weight for The Machinist that he probably looked the way Stanislavski himself does these days -- Bale's last flirtation with full-on "post-apocalyptic" was 2002's Reign of Fire, a movie which had the distinction of unforgivably squandering what may have been the coolest idea ever to come out of a Hollywood pitch meeting.

Whether the new Terminator film is good or not, this move firmly cements Bale, who's already effectively resurrected Batman, as the king of the series relaunch.

So with that in mind, I offer a few suggestions as to some other floundering film franchises that Christian Bale might help revive.

American Pie Preheated

Christian Bale takes on the difficult and coveted role of Jim's Dad -- made famous by Catskills legend Eugene Levy -- in this prequel to the highly-successful American Pie series. Set in the early-60s, the film follows the exploits of "J.D." as he wantonly violates his mother's jars of Borscht at every opportunity, leading to the kind of hilarious misadventures and misunderstandings one would expect to find in any episode of Three's Company, only with more homoeroticism. Bale spent two years in Hebrew school and performed a self-circumcision to prepare for the part.

Robocop: Police Academy

Christian Bale is Alex Murphy, a cyborg police officer who goes back to the academy to whip a group of new recruits into shape before the city can be overrun by an army of Robo-Bobcat Goldthwaits. Steve Guttenberg makes a triumphant return to the big screen after spending the past few decades playing "Sir Douchebag of Hackensack" at the Medieval Times in Myrtle Beach. Also starring Kim Catrall as "The Whore," and Samuel L. Jackson as that asshole who makes all the noises.

The Naked Gun .45: Reloaded

Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad, is back. But this time, as played by Christian Bale, he has to hunt down one of his own, when Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) is accused of killing his wife and another man, then staging a violent sting operation in Las Vegas to -- as he puts it -- "get the motherfuckers who think they can steal my shit."

Bacon Begins

In this shockingly reimagined prequel to the 80s teen-sex comedy classic Porky's, Christian Bale is the titular character of the series, turning in a gritty portrayal of a young man's blood-soaked rise from Everglades trailer park manager to powerful and respected purveyor of redneck ass. Also starring Leonardo DiCaprio as "Pee-Wee," Harvey Keitel as "Meat" and Kim Catrall as "The Whore." Directed by Martin Scorcese.

Jumping Jaws

Christian Bale plays The Fonz, a nebbishy Jewish guy who has everyone convinced that he's actually America's coolest television character. He finds himself forced to do whatever it takes to perpetuate this ruse, even if it means jumping a killer shark just as the credits roll at the end of the first Jaws film, since it was pretty much all downhill from there.

Cobra Kai: The Other Karate Kid

Christian Bale turns in a searing performance as one of cinema's great misunderstood anti-heroes: John Kreese. Long after he was sensei of the feared Kobra Kai Dojo -- the most powerful martial arts school in the Eastern San Fernando Valley -- he was a struggling, alcoholic writer who moved into a motel room in Las Vegas with no way out, and no plan but to drink himself to death. Elisabeth Shue reprises her role as Ali Mills, now a hooker with a heart of gold and a weak spot for $3.99 prime rib. Also starring Hilary Swank as some guy.

Star Wars, Episode VII: Fuck You, It's Jar Jar

Christian Bale is the only organic, non-CGI entity in this sprawling epic brought to you by the man who spent six years building childhood memories for you that would've lasted a lifetime had he not then turned around and spent another six years smashing them into the ground like Joan Crawford on a meth binge.

Alien Re-resurrection

Christian Bale fights off an Alien attack on Earth, while simultaneously fighting off the advances of Winona Ryder, who mistakes him for a purposely disheveled Brit-pop musician.

The Matrix Whatever

Screw it -- it's basically the same thing as The Terminator anyway.

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

Listening Post

There are break-up songs, and there are break-up songs.

Startlingly candid, The The's noir-ish 1989 single Kingdom of Rain is a song so visceral in its portrayal of a couple that's seen every bit of joy, passion, and optimism hemorrhage from their once-abundant love that it's almost uncomfortable to listen to -- like you're intruding on a moment that's simply too personal and intimate for you to be allowed an audience to.

It's the last gasp -- when there's nothing left but heartbreak, regret, and tragic resignation.

And there are times that it actually hurts to sit through.

But it's just an astonishing, and strangely seductive, song.

Here's The The, featuring a never-better Sinead O'Connor, with Kingdom of Rain.

Not Lee Harvey, the Other One

I know this is a little off-topic for this site, but bear with me.

In discussing children's programming -- which is, not surprisingly, a popular subject in my home these days -- I've already mentioned my loathe for Noggin's Pinky Dinky Doo and my love of Jack's Big Music Show.

But I think it's time somebody finally asked a few tough questions about Oswald.

For the uninitiated, the "Oswald" of the show's title is an octopus who's apparently on Xanax. He lives in an apartment in a New York City-ish metropolis. He has a hot dog for a pet and his best friends are a bitchy, patronizing gay penguin, voiced by the guy who played Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley; a slow-witted hippie-chick flower named, of course, Daisy; a Jewish, manic depressive tree named, inexplicably, Steve; and a butterfly called simply Madame Butterfly.

Oh yeah, and it's all set to the perpetually sedate music of Evan Lurie.

The whole thing is like the Ludovico treatment for autistic kids.

It's the most subversive cartoon on television insofar as it's pretty much tailor made for parents who are either really high or just desperately in need of something to soothe their frazzled nerves.

And of course I thank God for it every day.