Class Act

The Official Absurdly Excessive Hip-Hop Faux-Aristocracy Name Generator

Step 1: Take the name of a popular character from a 70s sitcom.

Step 2: Add an extra syllable commonly found in the names of soap opera family patriarchs and Hamptons yachting instructors.

Step 3: Combine both with a brand of high-end luxury vehicle.

Bonus: Try to make the whole thing sound like a malapropism that's the result of a mistranslation between diametrically opposing cultures.

Example: Fonzworth Bentley (rapper, stylist, and Clown Collegiate host of VH-1's new reality series, From G's to Gents)

Other Possibilities: Squiggington Benz, Cunningham Aston, Dr. Johnny Feverthorn Hummer III

Listening Post

Sheer perfection.

Jeff Buckley's Mojo Pin -- live.

Trendspotting

Which one is more likely to destroy your children?

Judging Nancy

A couple of weeks ago, I did a quick interview with Radar Online magazine for a story it was putting together on the most hated pundits on cable news. At the time, I was just coming off an admittedly questionable decision I'd made to write a somewhat negative piece about Gawker and its sister site, Jezebel.com, and wasn't feeling the need to heap any more career-disadvantageous invective in a fresh direction. I think my exact words to Neel Shah -- the Radar columnist doing the interview -- were, "I've burned enough bridges for one week, thanks." In the end, he and I chatted for a while about the abstracts of the current punditry craze, but I never specifically cited anyone I thought should be held up for more scorn than the others.

In retrospect, I'm kind of sorry I held back -- at least when it comes to one person in particular.

I'm not really going out on much of a limb or breaking any new ground by saying that CNN's Nancy Grace is the most loathsome, feckless troll to currently, inexplicably, have a forum on national television. She's a vile, unscrupulous monster who peddles morbid prurience like a five-dollar whore and whose brand of rank solipsism is matched only by her near-sociopathic disregard for the lives she's ruined and exploited and by her apparent contempt for the tenets of responsible journalism (to say nothing of basic human decency). Seriously, I rarely spew this much unrestrained venom, but the woman could get hit by a bus and I'm not sure the world would be a lesser place for it.

Her tenure at CNN Headline News has brought a heretofore unknown level of shame to the entire operation.

But now, it looks like somebody might finally be about to hold her accountable for her bullshit.

On Thursday, a federal judge in Ocala, Florida refused to heel to the arrogant condescensions of the high-priced lawyers representing Nancy Grace and CNN, ruling against their calls for the quick dismissal of a lawsuit claiming that Grace pushed the mother of a missing toddler into committing suicide two years ago. The family of Melinda Duckett charges that not only did Grace coax the troubled 21 year old mother onto her show, then badger and bully her when she couldn't or wouldn't satisfactorily answer questions about her missing son -- leading Grace to of course imply that Duckett herself was behind the disappearance -- but that Grace then added insult to injury by airing the pre-taped interview after Duckett had shot herself.

Although police do consider Duckett the only viable suspect in the case, which is still open, attorneys for the woman's family rightly point out that whatever information Melinda Duckett may have had about her missing son died with her, thanks to Nancy Grace taking upon herself the role of Grand Inquisitor. Did Duckett kill her little boy? We don't know for sure, and thanks to Grace's purely ratings-driven brand of contrived, overly-aggressive indignation, we probably never will.

In a just world, the Duckett family's lawsuit -- which a skeptic could easily argue is little more than a cynical attempt to cash in on the death of a loved one -- would only be the tip of the iceberg, and Nancy Grace would face criminal charges of obstructing justice (at the very least) in addition to the wrongful death civil action. For now though, the threat of hitting CNN and Grace in both their wallets and the court of public opinion will have to do -- and their argument that a successful suit by the Ducketts would "severely chill" journalists' ability to cover missing persons cases is a staggeringly laughable conceit, given that Nancy Grace is the furthest thing from a journalist.

On the contrary, what she does every night on CNN is an insult to responsible journalism, and if the network were half the unassailable bastion of credibility it purports to be, it would have fired her odious ass a long time ago.

Maybe it will take the justice system -- the one Nancy Grace so vaingloriously touts herself as the defender of -- to do what greedy network executives are unwilling to: force her off the air.

And maybe it will do it by making them all pay.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

There's nothing more sadistic than making someone believe he's slowly going insane. There's also nothing more hilarious -- which is why that particular theme has been the backbone of some of the best comedy ever made.

Here's a perfect example: From 1951, it's the Tex Avery classic -- and probably the only time you'll hear the word "shelaliegh" used in a cartoon -- Droopy's Double Trouble.

On Notice

Believe it or not, I'd really like to let the subject of my untimely dismissal from CNN go once and for all (Say What You Will/2.18.08). As I'm quickly learning now that my new baby is home from the hospital, there really is no sense crying over spilled milk (particularly not when the spill in question happened almost six months ago). Yet every time I promise myself that I'm done bringing up the whole CNN thing, somebody sends me an item like this: Behold, the official memo sent out to all network employees finally stating in no uncertain terms just what CNN's policy is on personal blogging.

You know, the policy they didn't have in place when they made the decision to fire me and a few others like me, and the one that I've openly criticized them for neglecting to enact and clarify?

This was e-mailed to me by someone at CNN yesterday. Enjoy it -- many Bothan spies died to bring us this information.*

***NEW CNN POLICY REGARDING PERSONAL WRITINGS ONLINE***

We’ve gotten a number of questions from CNN staff wanting clarification of CNN policy on communicating publicly about our work, or on news or public affairs -- on the internet. In Blogs. In Chatrooms. On video sharing sites. On social networking sites.

Below are some of the typical questions -- and our answers. We hope this is helpful to everyone,

After reading -- please don’t hesitate to call or email anyone at Standards and Practices if you have further questions. (See contact info below).

MOST IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER:

UNLESS GIVEN PERMISSION BY CNN MANAGEMENT, CNN EMPLOYEES ARE TO AVOID TAKING PUBLIC POSITIONS ON THE ISSUES AND PEOPLE AND ORGANIZATIONS ON WHICH WE REPORT.

The best rule of thumb is, keep in mind whether what you are doing or saying is "in public." In most cases, what you write online is public or can be made public.

CAN I COMMENT IN A CHAT ROOM?

It depends on what you’re commenting on. A chat room is, of course, a public place. If you identify yourself, or could in any way be identified, then you should not comment on anything CNN reports on. Remember, even though you don’t say who you are, someone else might reveal your identity. AND if you’re discussing things that are in the news, keep in mind you could be seen as representing CNN, and therefore you should not comment on the issues CNN covers.

HOW ABOUT MYSPACE, FACEBOOK OR OTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES?

Again, on these sites only write about something CNN would not report on. Don't list preferences regarding political parties or newsmakers that are the subject of CNN reporting. Local issues that CNN wouldn’t report on would be OK. And of course private communication with friends or family about issues that aren’t in the news is fine. If you are not sure, ask your supervisor or S&P for parameters on posting. (S&P contact info is listed below).

Also keep in mind that you should not be commenting or writing about what goes on in the workplace at CNN without specific approval by CNN senior managers. For example, in some cases there have and will be exceptions made to have some staff get information out to an outside audience on platforms like Twitter about our upcoming coverage plans.

But without those approved exceptions, your workplace activity is proprietary and so you should not be writing on these sites about what goes on behind the scenes here at CNN.

CAN I POST MY WORK ON YOUTUBE, PODCASTS OR OTHER VIDEO SHARING SITES?

You should not post any CNN material online unless it is approved. Likewise, if you make a short video on your own time, if there’s any question about it being something that CNN might air, first ask someone before posting it. And again, if the subject touches on anything you might cover or CNN reports or may report on, you should likely stay away from it. If it is a close call, ask your supervisor or S&P.

CAN I POST TO iReport.com?

This site was developed specifically for non-CNN material, so no, you shouldn’t. However, a separate procedure has been developed for CNN’ers to send in material. It’s called weReport and you can see the details for how it works at http://sketch.turner.com/wereport. As always, if you capture pictures or video on news stories call the national desk and they’ll help you arrange to feed it in.

HOW ABOUT SECOND LIFE?

CNN’ers are encouraged to visit Second Life, just keep in mind it’s a public place and the same rules (listed above) apply as they would to “real” public life.

CAN I HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE OR BLOG?

Yes. But you should notify your supervisor about it, to have it cleared as a non-conflict for your work. Your supervisor may choose to then have it cleared at another level or by S&P. And again, you shouldn’t post commentary on anything you might cover in your work or CNN may report on, or write about the CNN workplace or post CNN material without permission by a senior CNN manager.

WHAT ABOUT POSTING LINKS TO OTHER WEBSITES, ARTICLES FROM OTHER PUBLICATIONS AND VIDEO FROM OTHER SOURCES?

Again, if your web activity clearly shows that you are taking a position on an issue CNN reports on or is likely to report on, you should avoid such activity.

In addition, you should not operate under an alias on your website or blog in order to participate in biased public behavior. Despite your use of an alias to express a view that may present a conflict of interest, it is still your opinion. Your real identity and occupation could be revealed by someone else at any point.

WHY SHOULDN’T I COMMENT ON NEWS OR CURRENT AFFAIRS?

Unless given permission to comment publicly on the issues or people we report on as a CNN analyst or commentator, it is important that you and all other CNN employees be independent and objective regarding the news and people that we cover.

If you publicly declare your preference for issues or candidates or one side or the other of the public policy issues CNN reports on, then your ability to be viewed as objective is compromised.

We appreciate that everyone has a life outside work and we encourage all of our employees to get involved with the issues that are important within their communities. That said, you need to avoid any appearance of bias or partiality. It’s just one of the responsibilities associated with working for a news organization.

WHAT IF I DON’T WORK DIRECTLY WITH NEWS GATHERING OR NEWS REPORTING BUT ELSEWHERE WITHIN THE SUPPORTING DEPARTMENTS OF CNN?

In discussions about this issue with your colleagues across CNN, it was felt by them that it was important to have this policy apply across the board. If you don’t follow this policy, and you are officially a CNN employee, the loss of objectivity won’t just apply to you, but could be associated with CNN. Therefore this policy applies to all CNN employees in all departments worldwide.

WHAT ABOUT FREELANCE EMPLOYEES AND INTERNS?

Supervisors should make sure freelancers and interns read this policy now -- or on their first day going forward -- and commit to following it.

CAN I GIVE SPEECHES, OR WRITE ABOUT CNN?

CNN reserves the right to say who gives speeches or makes personal appearances on behalf of CNN. A number of your colleagues do give speeches to schools, colleges, and other organizations. Those requests must first be approved by your supervisor and then will go through CNN PR for review. PR will bring them to S&P for final review and approval taking into consideration who the invitation is from, the subject matter to be discussed -- and/or whether travel expenses/an honorarium are being paid. Our employees write books, and occasionally do other outside writing, but it all must be approved by your supervisor first, and then by PR and by S&P as appropriate. This policy is outlined in Section E of the Standards & Practices Policy Guide. Every employee should have a Guide and should read it and review it. (If you don't have a Guide, please ask your HR representative for one.)

Considering my own story, I love that last line -- just love it.

Speaking of which, let's recap: I publicly chastise the managers of CNN's American Morning on this site and on the Huffington Post and within two weeks the show's EP is fired, followed shortly by his second-in-command. I point out the incompetence of that same show's main copy editor and, likewise, not long after, he's sent packing. Now this: I spend six months claiming that whether they consider it a matter of common sense or not, CNN's upper-level managers must make their stance on the blogging and online networking of staff-members crystal clear (as news outlets like the New York Times have already done), and they finally cave in and do just that.

At this point, I think I can probably get away with charging CNN a consulting fee (although I suppose Jon Stewart could say the same thing about his role in getting Crossfire canceled a few years back).

Regardless, it's about goddamned time, guys. Welcome to the 21st century.

Oh, and I await your Cease & Desist order. Just be glad I edited out Rick Davis's personal phone number.

*The one and only Star Wars reference I'll ever make on this site.

Listening Post

It's tough to pick a favorite U2 song, but this one's close to the top of the list.

Here's All I Want Is You.