Tuesday Is Recycling Day

Quick, which mega-selling pop star consistently has the most drama in his or her life? Kanye? Britney? Eminem? Try Susan Boyle. You can Google her name just about any time and you'll always be sure to turn up a treasure trove of mind-bogglingly weird news items. When she's not suffering from exhaustion or having a full-on mental breakdown, she's being stalked to the point where her brother fears she'll end up like John Lennon or being saved from choking on a pineapple by a complete stranger. I get that Boyle never set out to be the supernova she's become, and that there's ample evidence of her being an entirely exploited and victimized Patient Zero in the world's current obsession with viral phenomena, but at some point she'll need to buck up and deal with the fame that's been foisted upon her. Once you willingly perform for the Pope, you've pretty much embraced your new standing in the world. Regardless, Boyle's next album is due out in November and, word has it, it will likely own the holiday season, thanks largely to her mammoth, big box discount store fan base -- which makes this as good a time as any to bring back this little piece from late last year. Lord, the hostile reaction I got to this sucker when it was first posted over at HuffPo. For the record, this piece was never really about Susan Boyle -- it was about hypocrisy.

"The Ugly Truth" (Originally Published, 11.13.09)

I'll try hard to make this quick for two reasons: One, because I've done my best to avoid writing about either of these people for a long time and so far have been mercifully successful, and two, I kind of feel like the point I'll make is so obvious it almost goes without saying.

The whole Controversy™ over Sharon Osbourne calling Susan Boyle a "hairy arsehole" who looks like she's been beaten with an "ugly stick" is completely fucking ridiculous.

Yesterday, in a move that had been predestined since about three seconds after the offending comment, Osbourne apologized to Boyle -- and by proxy everyone else on the planet, all of whom had taken it upon themselves to demand repentance -- for being so callous and insensitive during an appearance on Opie and Anthony (a radio show that's raised callous-and-insensitive to an art form). In the week since Osbourne made the on-air crack, you honestly would've thought that she'd driven her Bentley to Susan Boyle's house and taken a crap on her front lawn; the amount of contrived outrage from both the slavish celebrity media and the lifeless dolts who eat that kind of nonsense up has been hilariously deafening.

It really should go without saying, first and foremost, that Opie and Anthony do a comedy show; if you've never listened to it, trust me when I tell you that somebody calling somebody else a hairy asshole is probably the least offensive thing you'll hear on that show on any given day. The fact that people can't take a joke, a rude one, sure, but still a joke -- and most poignantly, one that wasn't really aimed at their tender ears in the first place and was only brought to their attention by a mass media machine that makes its living off of those who are constantly on the lookout for something to be outraged over -- is a hell of a lot more offensive in my mind than the joke itself.

But beyond that, the outpouring of indignation -- the shock and anger over a comment from a woman who's not exactly known for being classy or tactful, directed at a supposedly defenseless wallflower -- isn't just absurd, it's disingenuous. The reality is that Susan Boyle is unattractive. She's really unattractive. And guess what? The event that catapulted her to stardom in the first place capitalized on the fact that just about anyone who sees her believes this. When Susan Boyle stepped out onto the stage on Britain's Got Talent, you were supposed to think that she was an ugly, overweight frump who was doomed to embarrass herself in spectacular fashion the minute she opened her mouth. For God's sake, they practically played the Baby Elephant Walk from Hatari as her intro music. That moment, which became a cultural phenomenon, was all about the juxtaposition of her very impressive voice with her anything-but-impressive looks; the show's producers engineered it to shame the audience they knew would make an instant assumption: that somebody who looked like that couldn't possibly be talented -- not somebody that ugly.

People don't respond well to being forced to face the rottenest parts of their character -- like, say, the part that snickered when it first saw dowdy, awkward Susan Boyle and heard that she had dreams of being a successful singer -- and they usually respond by overcompensating in the opposite direction. Hence, you get thousands of people commenting on celebrity news websites or penning impassioned diatribes calling Sharon Osbourne "the one who's TRULY ugly" and making the obligatory knee-jerk demand that she be fired (from what exactly? Britain's Got Talent? America's Got Talent? Her job as Ozzy's manager?). Or how about this -- to really prove to themselves that they're good people, enlightened beings above petty prejudices, 68% percent of those who took part in a poll earlier this week by Access Hollywood engaged in the pop culture equivalent of voting for the handicapped kid for prom king: They proudly declared that when compared with Sharon Osbourne, Susan Boyle had more "sex appeal."

Think about that for a minute.

68% of those who watch Access Hollywood -- a show hosted by a couple of living Barbie and Ken dolls with hardly a brain cell between them, a show that traffics in gossip about the lives of the most gorgeous people in the world -- believe that Susan Boyle has more sex appeal than Sharon Osbourne.

Right.

What does that poll really tell us? It tells us that it's not even that so many in this country can't take a goddamned joke, it's that so many would rather lie, even to themselves, than admit that they're nowhere near as evolved as they pretend to be. That although she may have been crude about it, Sharon Osbourne wasn't saying anything the rest of us weren't already thinking.

Everybody Hates Chez

Just a few of the more entertaining responses to my Sharon Osbourne vs. Susan Boyle piece, "The Ugly Truth," from over at the Huffington Post:

"Mr. Pazienza, just because you find a woman not to your sexual standards, really does not justify calling her "ugly" or really unattractive. Would you be so cavalier were those standards applied to your mother or sisters or some woman whom you care about? Everyone has an opinion, but that does not excuse lowering everything to acts of berating others. I do not condone your idea of "Truth" and I call it ugly."

-- Milinda

"Regardless of (Susan Boyle's) appearance, she's a lovely woman... People who pick on her about her not looking like some plastic surgeon's creation are only showing their own ugliness. As for people who say they think she's attractive being 'enlightened beings above petty prejudice'...well this article was both petty and prejudiced."

-- sallythewerewolf (I'll give you a minute to stop laughing at the name.)

"Boyle's attractiveness is no more or less than millions upon millions of other people who inhabit the earth and definitely no less attractive than paziena [sic] himself. she certainly has much more talent than he does."

-- respectingothers (whose icon, by the way, is a picture of Garfield)

"You don't understand the reason behind all the rage against Sharon Osbourne. Susan Boyle has a disability!!! She's been mocked and bullied all of her life... Sorry, Sharon will NEVER be forgiven by a lot of people."

-- LoveLelique

"Whatever your name is, Chez?, you can't speak for me and my response when Ms. Boyle walked out on the stage! Don't even try going there. I was watching Ms. Boyle's facial expressions and thinking how sweet she looked. And I cheered her on. I knew that it had been set up by the producers, especially after Simon "winced" when he saw her. What'shisname rolled his eyes. At that moment I knew 1. It was a setup 2. She was going to knock our socks off! I wish her all of the success she so richly deserves. I wonder if eventually Ms. Boyle will be able to buy and sell Mr. Chez? I think so! You go, woman, you go!"

-- PatA

"So by your logic, people are pre-ordering Susan Boyle's CD in nearly unprecedented numbers because we feel sorry for her and that makes us feel better about ourselves. It has nothing to do with her singing ability and the feeling it evokes in her listeners... Please, don't insult our intelligence. You still have a lot to learn about life."

-- fepgam

(Author's Note:Dear fepgam, No, people are pre-ordering her CD because, as I said, she has a very good voice. Plus, you don't have to look at her while listening to it.)

Here's someone who doesn't realize that she's ironically doing the same thing she accuses me of (poor Bela):

"Susan Boyle is not Angelina Jolie, nor is she Bela Abzug."

-- Singermuse


And my personal favorite:

"Why would you even WRITE a blog like this, discussing (and affirming) someone else's lack of visual appeal? Ugliness is on the inside, not the outside. I met someone, once, a neighbor, with a screeching voice I could only compare to nails on a chalkboard. One of the nicest people I ever met. But for the first few weeks, I could barely stand to be in a room with her. For very long. After a while I didn't even notice her voice anymore. Her kind and beautiful spirit erased my reaction, it simply was gone. Her beauty, like Susan Boyle's, is on the inside. I wonder about your inner looks, that you would decide to pen a column like this. You can't even pretend to see past, apparently, the outermost layer."

-- wadenelson1 (whose icon can be seen at right)

But as usual, there are one or two people who get it:

"You know, I agree wholeheartedly with the author of this article. Most of the comments on this thread just prove the point that he is making. We live in possibly THE most looks-obsessed society on EARTH and here we all are pretending that the reason for this is the Sharon Osbournes of the world and DEFINITELY NOT ANY OF US! We you see, unlike Sharon, never judge other people by their looks, RIGHT?!!! In case you missed it, the author is saying that the magnitude of the vitriol spewed at Sharon Osbourne for saying what we were all thinking when Susan Boyle first walked out on to that BGT stage is in direct proportion to our hypocrisy. Sorry but Susan Boyle would be just another pretty girl with a good voice if she hadn't so not looked the way that voice sounded. Some patronising people are saying that we can't say she is not attractive in the way that our society values most because she is disabled. I think that's just as insulting as saying she can't be really hot because she's disabled! I'm in no way defending Sharon Osbourne's choice of words or the ridiculous obsession with physical attractiveness that exists in our society so that we are collectively shocked when Susan Boyle sings. It is wrong to judge people based on anything other than their character, but it is who we are. If we don't like it, we should revisit our social values."

-- BeFairNow

The Ugly Truth

I'll try hard to make this quick for two reasons: One, because I've done my best to avoid writing about either of these people for a long time and so far have been mercifully successful, and two, I kind of feel like the point I'll make is so obvious it almost goes without saying.

The whole Controversy™ over Sharon Osbourne calling Susan Boyle a "hairy arsehole" who looks like she's been beaten with an "ugly stick" is completely fucking ridiculous.

Yesterday, in a move that had been predestined since about three seconds after the offending comment, Osbourne apologized to Boyle -- and by proxy everyone else on the planet, all of whom had taken it upon themselves to demand repentance -- for being so callous and insensitive during an appearance on Opie and Anthony (a radio show that's raised callous-and-insensitive to an art form). In the week since Osbourne made the on-air crack, you honestly would've thought that she'd driven her Bentley to Susan Boyle's house and taken a crap on her front lawn; the amount of contrived outrage from both the slavish celebrity media and the lifeless dolts who eat that kind of nonsense up has been hilariously deafening.

It really should go without saying, first and foremost, that Opie and Anthony do a comedy show; if you've never listened to it, trust me when I tell you that somebody calling somebody else a hairy asshole is probably the least offensive thing you'll hear on that show on any given day. The fact that people can't take a joke, a rude one, sure, but still a joke -- and most poignantly, one that wasn't really aimed at their tender ears in the first place and was only brought to their attention by a mass media machine that makes its living off of those who are constantly on the lookout for something to be outraged over -- is a hell of a lot more offensive in my mind than the joke itself.

But beyond that, the outpouring of indignation -- the shock and anger over a comment from a woman who's not exactly known for being classy or tactful, directed at a supposedly defenseless wallflower -- isn't just absurd, it's disingenuous. The reality is that Susan Boyle is unattractive. She's really unattractive. And guess what? The event that catapulted her to stardom in the first place capitalized on the fact that just about anyone who sees her believes this. When Susan Boyle stepped out onto the stage on Britain's Got Talent, you were supposed to think that she was an ugly, overweight frump who was doomed to embarrass herself in spectacular fashion the minute she opened her mouth. For God's sake, they practically played the Baby Elephant Walk from Hatari as her intro music. That moment, which became a cultural phenomenon, was all about the juxtaposition of her very impressive voice with her anything-but-impressive looks; the show's producers engineered it to shame the audience they knew would make an instant assumption: that somebody who looked like that couldn't possibly be talented -- not somebody that ugly.

People don't respond well to being forced to face the rottenest parts of their character -- like, say, the part that snickered when it first saw dowdy, awkward Susan Boyle and heard that she had dreams of being a successful singer -- and they usually respond by overcompensating in the opposite direction. Hence, you get thousands of people commenting on celebrity news websites or penning impassioned diatribes calling Sharon Osbourne "the one who's TRULY ugly" and making the obligatory knee-jerk demand that she be fired (from what exactly? Britain's Got Talent? America's Got Talent? Her job as Ozzy's manager?). Or how about this -- to really prove to themselves that they're good people, enlightened beings above petty prejudices, 68% percent of those who took part in a poll earlier this week by Access Hollywood engaged in the pop culture equivalent of voting for the handicapped kid for prom king: They proudly declared that when compared with Sharon Osbourne, Susan Boyle had more "sex appeal."

Think about that for a minute.

68% of those who watch Access Hollywood -- a show hosted by a couple of living Barbie and Ken dolls with hardly a brain cell between them, a show that traffics in gossip about the lives of the most gorgeous people in the world -- believe that Susan Boyle has more sex appeal than Sharon Osbourne.

Right.

What does that poll really tell us? It tells us that it's not even that so many in this country can't take a goddamned joke, it's that so many would rather lie, even to themselves, than admit that they're nowhere near as evolved as they pretend to be. That although she may have been crude about it, Sharon Osbourne wasn't saying anything the rest of us weren't already thinking.