Look Back in Languor

I spent the last few hours writing a lengthy post on the cultural oversaturation of today's "celebrities" -- and how much it pisses me off.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about:

Jessica Simpson -- "The Stepford Babe" I called her (oh, that's a good one) -- isn't just a singer and an actress; she's a restaurateur and a cosmetics designer and a reality TV star.

Lindsay Lohan is given a recording contract and a production deal -- and no doubt a BIG bag of cocaine.

Paris Hilton gets a book deal.

Diddy gets a TV show, a fashion line, a restaurant and hotel chain, a production deal, and an elementary school named after him (wait).

The point was that it's become impossible to ignore these people because they're literally everywhere; the only way to avoid them is to avoid waking up in the morning or leaving your home.

Anyway, it was pretty decent -- and then I somehow lost it while I was trying to publish it.

I could scream and gnash my teeth and curse the heavens, but the truth is I'm too tired right now. I'm going to interpret this minor catastrophe as a sign that I need to take a few days off. Since I started this little experiment of mine, I've become far more prolific than I ever expected to be and I suppose I should be proud of that.

So with that in mind, I'm a ghost until the middle of next week.

At the suggestion of my wife, and because believe it or not there are new readers to this crazy site daily, I'm going to post a few links to some of my favorite stuff from the past four months. Hey, if Cutting Crew could release a greatest hits collection after only two albums, I can do it after only four months.

Either way, this is the material that I've thought to be not half bad.

Enjoy folks.

5/30/06 Hustle & Blow

6/2/06 Anatomically Incorrect

6/28/06 I'm Super, Thanks for Asking!

7/7/06 A Sell-Out Crowd

7/17/06 You're the Dog Now, Man

7/18/06 Welcome to My M. Nightmare

7/31/06 Till Human Voices Wake Us

8/7/06 Kitsch a Falling Star

8/8/06 Gray's Autonomy

8/16/06 Penny Laid

8/25/06 Things to do in Texas When You're Dead

9/11/06 Five Years On: 9/11 in Two Parts (Part I)

9/18/06 Five Years On: 9/11 in Two Parts (Part II)

9/11/06 And Now a Message from Satan

9/20/06 Return of the Attack of the Creeping Surrealism

9/22/06 The Cynicist Manifesto

9/26/06 Tempus Id'jit

Borat in 2008

"If there is one more item of Uzbek propaganda claiming that we do not drink fermented horse urine, give death penalty for baking bagels, or export over 300 tons of human pubis per year, then we will be left with no alternative but to commence bombardment of their cities with our catapults."

I'm not even going to attempt to improve on this comediacally in any way; it would be like challenging Michael Jordan to a pick-up game. Besides -- I'm far too busy laughing my ass off.

God bless Sacha Baron Cohen for creating Borat.

God bless Borat for prompting the government of Kazakhstan to take out a four-page ad in the New York Times in an effort to refute a fucking joke.

God bless our idiot president for providing the ultimate punchline by reportedly planning to debate this "controversy" with Kazakhstan's president during their meeting today.

Dzienkuje.

My Nightly Middle Finger to MTV

There are a lot of words which perfectly describe Radiohead.

Unconventional. Fascinating. Complex. Surprising. Powerful. Bewildering.

But the third single from their 1995 album The Bends may be the only four minutes in the band's career during which can they be described as sincere.

Tonight's pick is one of my all-time favorite songs; it's the near-perfect Fake Plastic Trees.

The Best Frakkin' Show on Television

I've spent a good portion of my adulthood attempting to distance myself from my formative sci-fi geek years. It's true that once I discovered the Ramones and the Sex Pistols I put aside my Star Wars action figures and burned my life-size cardboard stand-up of Captain Kirk; I have no choice however but to admit to the fact that I owned these items to begin with.

Since this ceremonial rite of passage from space-obsessed dork to, well, music, alcohol and porn-obsessed dork, I've pretty much abandoned science-fiction television. This wasn't an intentionally calculated act; I simply never came across a show that didn't go the perfunctory route of gearing itself toward the very specific and generally goofy audience of late-teen-to-early-20s, emotionally-stunted man-children, who when they weren't masturbating to vidcaps of Mirina Sirtis's topless scene in Blind Date, were discussing at length how her character would fare were she suddenly called upon to aid Frodo and the Fellowship in returning the One Ring to Mordor.

It took the brilliant Joss Whedon to briefly change my view of latter-day sci-fi television by changing the genre itself -- effectively turning it on its end. My love for and loyalty to his fantastic show Firefly is well documented; for cancelling such a rare combination of excitement, creativity, humor and pathos, I'll hold a grudge against Fox that ten seasons of 24 won't alleviate.

After the demise of Firefly, I went right back to not caring one bit about science-fiction television.

Then in 2003, something truly surprising happened; a show from my childhood -- from the days before I realized that there are some things you simply don't admit to enjoying if you hope to ever get laid -- was resurrected. But here's the thing -- the original version of the show was one of the dumbest hours ever foisted on the TV-viewing masses week after week; the new version however, is flat-out one of the best.

Battlestar Galactica, which will soon begin its third season on the Sci-Fi channel, is quite simply the finest drama on television. It's science-fiction for people who hate science-fiction. It's smart and daring and tense and exciting and beautiful and moving. Lead by the always-excellent Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell, the cast of otherwise relative newcomers don't play their characters so much as inhabit them -- a feat that's not only remarkable, but one which consistently draws the audience in and forces it to care about the thrilling and sometimes terrible plot machinations of which these characters are at the mercy.

The premise is essentially the same as the original series: after a devastating attack which killed billions, the last pocket of humanity is on the run -- pursued by a relentless race of killer robots known as the Cylons. But whereas in the original series, this supposedly merciless enemy was composed of slow-moving extras in clunky chrome suits -- making them infinitely less scary than Richard Hatch's haircut or Lorne Greene's overacting -- the flawlessly computer-generated Cylons of the new series are fast, fearsome and gorgeous. The new show also adds a clever twist by introducing a series of Cylons which appears human and is indistinguishable from the crew of the Galactica, piling on an oppressive paranoia to the already dark and claustrophobic atmosphere. This lends the series some of its biggest and best surprises, including a season-one finale that literally made me jump off the couch and stand in the middle of my living room with my mouth hanging open.

In addition to creating multi-layered personalities (Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, played by Katee Sackhoff, is easily one of the most complex and troubled characters on television), and ones which have changed drastically and realistically throughout the story-arc, show developer Ronald Moore has also brought a hefty dose of social relevance to the proceedings. The Cylons are man's creation, and consider themselves to be the beatified children of the one true god -- essentially making them religious zealots; they believe mankind to be guilty of apostasy, as it worships a series of supposedly false gods. Some have drawn parallels between the Cylons and al-Qaeda, or America's Evangelical Right; regardless, their elegance and focus stand in stark contrast to the flawed and fallible humanity of their quarry.

What may ultimately set Galactica apart from every other show on television though -- putting aside the astonishing interpersonal relationships and perfectly understated acting -- is its willingness to take chances. During the final moments of last season's finale, the show did something so ballsy and unconventional that it must've had network executives scrambling for bottles of Pepto-Bismol. Very few shows on network or even cable television truly take risks; this one has turned it -- literally -- into an art form.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

The season premiere of Battlestar Galactica airs next Friday, October 6th at 9pm on Sci-Fi.




Incidentally, this is one of the Cylons from the new series (Grace Park as Sharon Valerii). If that's not a reason to watch, I have no idea what the hell is.

Tempus Id'jit

The following is a transcript of the interview between former President George W. Bush and Fox News Reporter Chris Wallace, which took place on September 22nd, 2014. It is the sole property of Fox News Channel, and may not be reproduced in any way without the permission of the News Corporation, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Viacom/Universal/Pepsico Inc.

TC: 12:24:36 EDT

CW: A pleasure to see you again Mr. President.

GWB: Well, it's a... It's a pleasure to see you again Greg.

CW: Chris, sir.

GWB: Right, right... Chris.

CW: You've been out of office for six years now...

GWB: Has it been that long? Heh heh.

CW: Yes, sir... six years... and, well... tomorrow marks the dedication of the George W. Bush Presidential Library... certainly something you must be very proud of...

GWB: Yes, yes I am. It's a truly uh... truly.. truly distinguishtable feat to be able to formerly dedicate the George W. Bush Presidential Library for People Who Don't Read Good. Quite an honor Craig.

CW: Chris, sir.

GWB: Heh heh.

CW: What specifically can visitors expect when they come to Crawford and visit the GWB Center?

GWB: Well, at first I asked that they have a lot of pistachio, because I've always loved that flavor... but then I was told that libraries don't serve ice cream... they... uh, well... they have books there. So I made a couple of specific requests... ya know, things that I figured people would like to see to take them back to the good ole' days of my presidency.

CW: Such as?

GWB: Well, first of all... uh, when folks walk in the first thing they'll see is the remains of the constitution. I just figured that would really hit a perfect note right off the bat... kinda laying out my domestic legacy, ya understand? My library also has a... a very large Biblical section to remind folks how God picked me to lead America through its darkest time... TERRORISTS!

CW: I'm sorry sir? Oh right... no sir, don't worry... there aren't any terrorists around.

GWB: Right Carl, well ya know... August the 24th reminded us all that America has enemies, and they hate freedom... you do see that, don't you?

CW: Yes sir, the attacks of August the 24th were indeed devastating. In what way do you plan to commemorate that horrible day in your library?

GWB: Well, the mayor of New New York has been so kind as to relinqu... relinqa... to give up the spire that used to be on top of the Empire State Building. It'll of course be vacuum-sealed inside a large case to prevent the radiation from gettin' through... but I really think the folks'll enjoy seeing it. We're also gonna have the flag of "Jesusica," which is now kind of a... heh heh, well you might call it a collector's item.

CW: Yes, after the long-fought battle to put the union back together I could see where it would be an interesting piece of national memoribilia.

GWB: You betcha, heh heh.

CW: Are you at all angry that President Clinton turned down the invitation to attend tomorrow's ceremony?

GWB: Naw... Naw I guess not. She's got a lot on her plate right now... what with the New Syriana Islamic Republic summit she has to attend if she wants to get gas back below eight dollars-a-gallon. I really figured those folks over there would love freedom... it was on the march ya know.

CW: I know sir.

GWB: But I still believe that the fight to bring democracy to Iraq and Iran made us all safer.

CW: But sir, how can you say that when this country suffered several horrendous terrorist attacks since -- one nuclear -- and the entire Middle-East is now united under the anti-American flags of Hamas and Hezbollah? Wait, don't answer that.

GWB: Heh heh. August the 24th... did I mention that?

CW: Yes sir you did.

GWB: We had to fight the terrorists there so we wouldn't have to fight 'em here. See what I'm sayin'?

CW: Yes sir, you're right... we never even got a chance to fight them... it was over too quickly.

GWB: Heh heh.

CW: So sir, since I have you here, there are a few questions my readers xeri-commed to me that I feel I have to ask.

GWB: Okay, shoot. Whoa, Dick isn't around is he?

CW: No sir... truly tragic and very mysterious his being thrown down a bottomless chasm by his apprentice. Although not as unexpected as Condoleezza Rice's untimely stomping death at that outdoor concert. Most of us didn't even know she was an Indigo Girls fan.

GWB: Yeah, that one was a little fishy... heh heh, get it... fishy?

CW: Yes sir, I get it... anyway, those questions... are you angry that you didn't capture Osama bin Laden, and that he remained a fugitive until two months after you left office?

GWB: Hey now, wait a minute... I know what you're doin' here... you're doin' a Fox News liberal hit-job on me.

CW: You don't think that's a legitimate question?

GWB: I bet you never asked President Clinton why she didn't do more... I mean, during her first two days in office.

CW: I think you should answer the question sir.

GWB: But I thought this interview was supposed to be all about the George W. Bush Presidential Library for People Who Don't Read Good. Man, I miss the old Fox News.

CW: Well, sir... you of all people should know... free market economy. Rupert Murdoch is a Republican, but he's a businessman first. Once you and your administration destroyed the once-good name of America's conservatives by allowing far-right demagogues to hijack your party and its message, well... a good portion of America happily swung in the opposite direction... after the Christian wars of course.

GWB: Yeah well... I don't need you... I've got still got Karl.

CW: Actually sir, Mr. Rove was killed in a car accident last night... he was apparently performing oral sex on Bob Novak when Mr. Novak crashed his car... ironically right into the lobby of the Watergate Hotel.

GWB: Oh... uh... well...

CW: Yes sir?

GWB: You want some of this pistachio ice cream Ken? Gotta get rid of it somehow.

CW: It's Chr... oh nevermind... hand me a cone.

End of Transcript

My Nightly Middle Finger to MTV

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands.

Tonight's video is Zero 7's Home.

Nothing If Not Consistent

Yesterday I mentioned the findings of the recent National Intelligence Estimate; it stated that the war in Iraq has -- contrary to the talking points of the White House and its apologists -- fueled global Islamic radicalism and made America less safe.

I also assumed that President Bush's reaction to this report would be the usual; he would dismiss it by simply saying that he disagrees with its findings, as if any fact is somehow subject to debate or outright negation at his whim.

His response today when asked about the report?

"I strongly disagree."

I wish I could claim some sort of preternatural prescience when it comes to such matters, but the unfortunate fact is that the actions of a confused and frightened monkey are never that difficult to predict.