Listening Post

One of my all-time favorite songs.

From the legendary concert in Central Park, here's Simon and Garfunkel doing Scarborough Fair.

The Spaces Between

Written this past Saturday night.

I lead a schizophrenic life.

When she isn't here, I fill my hours with work, play, routine -- anything to occupy myself so that I never have time to think about how much I miss her. I've become so good at it that sometimes when I know she's coming I actually dread the interruption of the life I've made without her -- the self-centric world that I had to create, against my will, when her mother finally forced my hand two years ago after months and years spent tolerating deceit and disrespect in the name of desperately trying to make our marriage work. I tell myself that I can live without her; it's the only defense I have against the punishing ache and the often overwhelming sadness.

But then she arrives, and I spend a day with her like I did today -- laughing, playing at the park, sharing and cherishing every little moment -- and those lies that I tell myself dissolve, the walls I build around the most fragile parts of me crumble. I'm forced to admit that she is the air I breathe, my reason for being, my everything. I tremble in the face of a feeling so powerful that it can make my heart swell to the point of bursting even as the knowledge of my own sudden vulnerability fills me with terror. I can't imagine being without her.

There's someone in her mother's life these days. He's been there for well over a year. It took almost no time at all for the woman who once swore an unwavering dedication to our marriage and our family to unravel and extract the roots she'd created with me and begin creating new roots with another. He's now part of my daughter's life. My daughter, who isn't even three years old. It's entirely possible that eventually, at some point, my child will call him "Dad," not because I won't be there as a father to her but simply because if her mother does in fact marry into the kind of future he offers, he could very well be the only man with whom she'll ever remember living. He will be family. She'll have two dads.

There hasn't yet been a language invented that contains the words that could properly describe the kind of pain this thought causes me. Her mother, meanwhile, doesn't even begin to concern herself with such trivialities -- and why should she, I suppose?

I never wanted to be a part-time father.

I didn't ask for this schizophrenic life.

Quote of the Day

"Meanwhile, the firebaggers can officially launch their Kucinich/Hamsher primary challenge and totally waste their time and money. Good luck to you."

-- Bob Cesca on the official launch of Barack Obama's 2012 presidential campaign

Yeah, so far the potential Republican challengers may as well be driving around in one of those tiny clown cars. But I've said before that the narcissistic dipshits within Obama's own party who can't shut up about how he's "just like Bush" because he didn't dismantle the military, make gay marriage and drug use mandatory and build a Whole Foods on top of Ground Zero are actually a hell of a lot more irritating.

Because remember, the most important issue currently facing this country is whether or not Bradley Manning is having a good time in jail.

Listening Post

Sorry it's so slow around here but I had a pretty wonderful weekend with my daughter. I wanted to write something about it, and in fact I did -- I just tend to think things through these days when it comes to disclosing my feelings about what's going on with my child and my ex. I may have more to say on all of this tonight or later this week.

For now, here's a completely unrelated song from Tegan and Sara -- On Directing.

Quote of the Day

"It's about using my body as a canvas."

-- Sasha Grey on her new book of photography and essays

Yeah -- a canvas.

I seem to remember a couple of movies that had her looking like a monochromatic Jackson Pollock by the end of them.

Happiness Is...

Listening Post

More trippy neo-surf music from Bethany Cosentino and Best Coast -- this is When I'm With You.

Happy Friday, kids.