All Talking, No Points

I'm going to do my damndest to make this my final political post for a few days, but I make no guarantees seeing as how the Foley fiasco is not only equal parts hysterical and infuriating, but quite simply a goldmine of quality material.

That said, it would seem that as expected, Ken Mehlman is putting his fax-machine into overdrive in an effort to not so much circle the wagons as rally the troops. The past 24 hours have seen the usual Right-Wing provocateurs bloviating as one -- rattling off a carefully-coordinated series of GOP talking points designed to stop the hemorrhaging of public support. The strategy is familiar by now: Attack. Confuse and distract. Claim the moral high-ground despite having relinquished it long ago. Pretend that nothing has changed.

The problem though, is that almost everything has changed, and the tactics which once worked so well for the Republicans -- from the hysterical buffoonery of the Fox News Channel to the overwrought schtick of Limbaugh and Drudge to Tony Snow-Job himself -- now seems almost pitiful. It's like the bully standing up and attempting to regain his fearsome dominion after being badly humiliated on the playground; it just don't fly anymore.

The Conservative mouthpieces have decided that the best way to deal with this crisis of both political and moral authority is to claim that the young targets of Foley's advances deserve to share in the blame for this miasma (which is like blaming a rape victim for being attacked); to engage in misdirection by questioning the timing of the scandal and indignantly wondering aloud whether it was a Democratic hit-job (which is like blaming the police for discovering that you committed a crime); and to downplay this fucking travesty as if it were much ado about nothing by reminding America of every Democratic congressional scandal since the signing of the Declaration of Independence (which is like blaming everyone else).

The difference once again though, is that this time all of that hot air is just that -- hot air and little else. These kinds of arguments -- despite being patently absurd -- used to strike fear into the hearts of the GOP's political enemies. This time however, I think it's safe to say that many are seeing them in a whole new way.

This time, they look like exactly what they are.

Desperate, deplorable bullshit.

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

So Foley now says that he was molested by a priest.

That's it kids; as of this moment, we're in uncharted territory.

I have a feeling we may soon be hearing about UFO abduction and sexual slavery at the hands of rogue Scientologists (technically one and the same).

But as his lawyer says, it's all part of Foley's "recovery." Yes, that's it -- holding a news conference one day into rehab to publicly blame anything and everything other than yourself is always the first step toward getting better.

Redemption, here he comes.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm fucking speechless.

Once Again, a Word from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth*

Rehab?

Rehab?

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Alright, I think it's about time the common-sense fairy came down from on high and clued you in on something there asshole: rehab is for the benefit of alcoholics and drug addicts; it's not for the benefit of shameless fucking pederasts who abuse their exalted positions in government and betray the trust of both the constituents they bullshit and the young pages they lasciviously covet.

All the rehab and 12-stepping in the world won't stop you from being a fucking scumbag. You checking into rehab for your problem is like going to a proctologist when your head hurts -- although in your case maybe that's a bad anaolgy.

Jesus, who's your sponsor gonna be -- Pat O'Brien?

Foley, I really hope you're paying your lawyer a hell of a lot of money; he deserves it for being able to keep a straight fucking face while asking people to pray for you and remember all the great things you've done for America. I've got to figure he's talking about all those times you fought to keep kids safe from sexual predators just like you.

Hold on just one second.

(Takes a moment to laugh uncontrollably at the thought of Mark Foley cowering in the corner of his hospital room, sobbing like a baby.)

Okay -- just had to do that.

You're not an alcoholic.

You're not fucking mentally ill for Christ's sake.

You're not sick.

What you are, is guilty.

You want to make amends? Start by taking responsibility instead of hiding out and blaming all of this on your double life -- on your "secret drinking problem." Dear God is that a load of shit. You pompous ass; how dumb do you think we are?

You did this.

You're 100% to blame, you lecherous, hypocritical fuck. You don't need rehab or help or understanding; at the very least you need a jail cell, and at most you need to be shamed into killing yourself.

Got it?

By the way, I fucking hated that whole Rock & Sock Connection.

Oh wait, that was Mick Foley?

Whatever.

Douche.

(*The views and opinions expressed by Garth do not necessarily reflect those of Chez, who in fact wishes Mark Foley nothing but the best as he begins his new bid for office. With his extensive experience in both politics and pedophilia -- he should have no trouble being elected the next President of NAMBLA.)

My Nightly Middle Finger to MTV

Last week I divulged my strange yet unquestionable fondness for My Chemical Romance.

Their upcoming release, The Black Parade, is a grand, ambitious concept album that the band hopes will evoke memories of Queen's A Night at the Opera, Pink Floyd's The Wall and of course -- Sgt. Pepper (Use Your Illusion I & II -- not so much).

It'll be surprising and revelatory, bloated with self-importance, or some combination of both.

The bottom line though: the first single is fucking great.

Tonight's pick is the new video from MCR, Welcome to the Black Parade.

The Party's Over

Quick -- how do you save a drowning elephant?

What at first glance seems like the set-up for a rather sophomoric joke is actually a question the Republican Party is no doubt taking very seriously right now. If you know the answer, I'm sure Ken Melhman would love to hear from you; until recently, he hasn't faced a crisis that a hundred GOP fax-machines with perfectly-coordinated talking points couldn't get him out of.

I freely admit to gleaning a noticeable amount of enjoyment from the downturn in the fortunes of the party which has kept an unchallenged stranglehold on this country for the past six years. However, that sense of political schadenfreude is less a result of policy than it is a result of pretension. This has been said by many, but it bears repeating simply by virtue of the fact that it cannot be emphasized enough: there hasn't been a political party in general or an administration in particular of my generation which has so thoroughly cloaked itself in the kind of monumentally arrogant sense of entitlement and self-righteous hubris as the current governing body. The Republicans have operated as an unwavering, power-mad juggernaut -- a monstrous political machine -- that has acted with impunity and contemptibly crushed dissent by means of suggestion and innuendo, treachery and character assassination; it has done so through the ignorance of a Vichy press corps -- too frightened, starstruck or easily manipulated to adhere to its journalistic obligation -- and through the complicity of its own private media outlet. The ruling party has consistently behaved as if half of the country -- the half comprised of those who disagree with it -- doesn't exist, and it has done so simply because it is the ruling party; it has done so, because it can.

At this point, watching the swaggering schoolyard bully fall -- watching the machine collapse in a confused mess -- is nothing more than human nature.

The recent perfect storm of scandal, discredit and revelation will not spell the end of the Republican Party, nor should it. It will however give the GOP the chance to purge itself of the blustering demagogues who've spent the last several years corrupting the party's once-good name; whether or not it chooses to actually do this remains to be seen.

So how do you save a drowning elephant?

You can't.

It can only save itself -- but chances are, if it believed that it could walk on water to begin with, it may not have the smarts to do that.

Breaking News

Gunman shoots three an then kills himself inside an Amish schoolhouse in Pennsylvania.

You know the cops are gonna want to talk to Lukas Haas.

I'm Mark Foley, and I Approved this Message

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take One

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I'd like to talk to you about something that's important to all of us.

Our children.

Throughout my distinguished career, I've always made children a priority. From my work as the head of the Congressional Caucus on Children's Issues, to my personal, hands-on experience with teenage boys, I've always...

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Two

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I'd like to take a minute to talk to you about something that's important to all of us.

Our children.

Throughout my distinguished career, I've always made the well-being of children a priority. I got head from children with issues...

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Three

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I... uh... I forgot my lines, can I get a page to bring them to me?

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Four

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

We all want our children to grow up healthy and strong -- especially our young boys. Mmmmm... young boys.

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Five

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley and I'm from Florida.

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Five

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hi there folks, I'm Mark Foley... and I'm running for Archbishop.

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Six

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hey, that fat bastard Hastert said it was okay!

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Seven

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps

Hi folks, I'm Mark Foley... and the only thing I fuck harder than male congressional pages, is the Republican Party...

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Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Eight

Music: The Miracles' (I'm Just A) Love Machine/Opening Montage of Mark Foley in Bermuda Dancing with Jim McGreevey and Various Shirtless Boys -- Dissolve to Foley Sitting at Office Computer (Right Hand is Hidden from View)

Hi, I'm Mark Foley.

So I secretly lust after teenage boys... so what. The truth is that as a Republican, as long as I self-righteously stand against the twin-scourges of abortion and gay marriage... and of course fight to keep a feeding tube stuck down the throat of any Floridian who happens to be in a persistent vegetative state... the rest of my brain-dead constituency will be sure to keep my political career going in some form or another. Sure, I had to tender an obligatory resignation. I'll lay low for awhile, then reappear and issue a heartfelt mea culpa wherein I say something about having sinned against God and looking for forgiveness and blah, blah, blah. The Florida voters and the GOP will probably give me another chance. I mean, come on... the guys at the top of my party's food chain knew what I was doing and kept it quiet. I know we're religious and all, but who would've thought we'd officially adopt so much Catholic Church doctrine.

Look... our party's given you George W. Bush, Tom DeLay, Rick Santorum, Duke Cunningham and a guy who tells Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself and shoots old men in the face. Our unopposed rule has seen the 9/11 attacks, two wars, the loss of our respect and moral authority around the globe, too many scandals to mention, and the drowning of New Orleans. Yet look who's still in control. You guys are like the victims of spousal abuse... you just keep making excuses and coming back for more. You let this happen.

So vote for me, or don't. Remember, this is Florida... I'll get elected regardless.

Music Swell -- Voice Over

"This message brought to you by Boy Scout Veterans for Truth."

Contact Mark Foley at www.myspace.com/congressman4boyz

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(I realize I said that I would be taking a few days off, but come on -- this whole scandal is the equivalent of a really awesome birthday gift; I'm sure the Democrats think so too. After years of its seemingly bottomless wellspring of arrogance, it's both satisfying and hysterical to watch the self-immolation of the entire Republican Party.)